Behavior Issues

[stepmomtogreatkids]

My husband's daughter is a sweet girl (9 years old), I love her to death.  My problem is this:  Any time my husband has to discipline her, she flips out on him.  She yells, screams, threatens to not come down anymore.  She tells him that we (my husband and I) do nothing for her, that we only do things for his two boys.  I am at my wits end...she is a great little girl, but seems to have severe anger issues.  I know she will be a teenager soon, but is this just her being a teenager too soon, or is this something we should really be concerned about?  Any help on this issue would be greatly appreciated!  Thanks!

Mandy

[mistoffolees]

It never hurts to see a counselor - or have your daughter see one.

I went through that with 2 SDs, (ages 6 and 7 when I married their mother). A lot of the same things - and even "if you keep treating me badly, I'll go live with dad".

Personally, I would suggest that your husband ask himself the following questions and try to answer them as honestly as I could (getting an independent opinion from you to see if he's being completely honest with himself).

1. Are the things I'm asking reasonable or have I taken an arbitrary position on something that doesn't matter (I've learned that I used to make issues of things that don't really matter in the long run).

2. Am I treating the daughter fairly when compared to the boys? Admittedly, this is hard due to the different circumstances and most men are more protective of daughters than sons, but try to be completely fair.

3. When she screams, yells, etc, does it work? If it works, she's going to continue it. If you've taken a fair, defensible position on something and she doesn't like it, don't let a tantrum make you change your mind - EVER.

4. Do her anger issues appear only when she doesn't get her way on something or is it a recurring theme? If it happens only when she doesn't get her way, I'd think real hard about question #3 again. Kids learn pretty quickly to do what works. If the tantrums stop working, they tend to go away.

5. How do I react to frustration? If yelling and threats are my response to frustration or anger, how can I expect her not to do it.

If the answers to all of the above satisfy your husband (with you acting as a sounding board), then I might be inclined to write it off as pre-teen behavior, but a visit to a counselor would be justified if it's frequent or severe (or if you ever sense any chance that she'll hurt herself, of course).

HOWEVER, if you do visit a counselor, make sure that you really believe that you're not going there to 'fix' her. The counselor's job is to help you both to learn to to resolve conflict and to work through problems in a constructive manner rather than a destructive one. If you have it in your mind even a tiny bit that it's her problem rather than a family problem, you risk making things worse rather than better. Problems like this are almost always a 2 way street.

Oh, and don't worry too much about the threats. Assuming you've got a shared parenting plan that's working, it generally takes quite a bit for the court to change it and a 9 year-old's tantrums generally don't cut it.

At least, that's my $0.02.

Good luck.

[stepmomtogreatkids]

Thank you so much for the advice.  It is greatly appreciated.

[stepmomtogreatkids]

Now my husbands daughter says that she isn't coming down anymore.  What should we do?  Should we tell her it's ok that she doesn't want to come down?  Any advice will be greatly appreciated.

mandy

[WHN]

Seems like kids say things to see what your reaction is.  If you tell her "that's fine, you don't have to come down" she'll hear "we don't care enough about you to force you to spend time with us."  

I think that her father should sit down and have a talk with her, hear her out and see why she feels the way she feels.  Something's going on with her whether it's just what's going on w/in herself or something outside having an effect...Either way I think he should sit down and let her say whatever is on her mind.  No anger no frustration, just let the kid vent...Then maybe he and she could come up with a reasonable conclusion as to how to work on it, together instead of battling constantly.

Definitely, don't tell her it's okay to not visit, though.  

I was not much older than her when my parents split up and eventually my mom just gave up, I battled always saying I didn't want to see her and such, but in reality I had a lot of doubts as to how much she loved me (due to the circumstances) and was really confused...At that age confusion and anger are a lot alike.  She needs to feel like her daddy loves her enough to fight everyone (including her) to be with her.  That's important, whether she consciously thinks so or not.

Just my opinion, though, take it for what it's worth...
Good luck to you.

[Jade]

>Now my husbands daughter says that she isn't coming down
>anymore.  What should we do?  Should we tell her it's ok that
>she doesn't want to come down?  Any advice will be greatly
>appreciated.
>
>mandy


At her age, her father should definitely insist on exercising his parenting time.

[mistoffolees]

That's certainly not OK. There are endless studies which show that kids need regular access to BOTH parents.

Not to mention that your court order probably spells out visitation periods so you have every right to enforce them.

If you care about her at all, don't tell her that she isn't welcome. That sends a ton of terrible messages.

I would suggest your husband talking with her to see what the issue is. If he doesn't get anywhere, I'd suggest counseling since there seem to be some major communication issues involved. As I said above, don't present counseling as a way to 'fix' anything, but as a way to help improve communications so people can say what's on their mind without starting WWIII.

Oh, and btw, the person who said this is normal preteen/teenage behavior is right. Kids that age say things they don't mean all the time out of anger and/or frustration.

[Kent]

Whether she comes to the court ordered parenting time is NOT her choice.
DO exercise all your parenting time.
9 years is an age where 2 things generally work well to curb tantrums;
1. Time-out.
2. Take privileges away.

Keep in mind, the time-out is not only for her to come to her senses, it also helps you to make a well-thought decision on how to process her out of the time-out. Oh, and the time starts running the moment she follows the time-out direction (like, "sit on that chair"). As she stays calm (if she doesn't, the time-served is not counted), you think real hard what would be a fair punishment for her behavior. That's where the privileges come into play.

A good counselor will help YOU (not her) with these techniques.

Good luck!

Kent!