Some Advice

[boosdad]

I'm going to try and keep it short...as possible:
My wife and I dated for 7 years prior to marriage.  During that time I basically paid for EVERYTHING, home, car, car insurance, health insurance, food, pets, vacations, our $30k wedding (didn't even get a present from her parents - and no they are not poor), etc., etc.  We got married and she was pregnant within 4 months.  During the pregnancy she had drastic mood changes (not being rude or mean, but she wasn't the nicest person prior to getting pregnant anyway) and once our son was born she became almost unbearable.  She started telling lies about different small things, I couldn't do anything right, she supervised me when I changed my son's diaper, was criticized when I fed him, etc.  Not to mention she ran up a bunch of credit card bills ($20k in about 5 months) and in the mean time decided to no write checks for my debt related items (i.e. credit cards - I know I should never have given her the check book, it was a poor decision on my part) and almost sent me into bankrupcy.  We obviously started having serious issues in the relationship and I told her that I wasn't happy and wanted a divorce.  She did not really respond at all and then asked to talk on a Thursday evening and informed me she was moving out the next day while I was at work.  She did and she took EVERYTHING with her including our son.  She left, not me and took our son with her and told me that our son would always be with her, not me.  We tried a Collaborative Divorce solution, but it didn't work (quite honestly both our attorneys were useless) and now I am getting screwed.  I see my son 8 hours on Sunday, pay her $1,250 in child support and have absolutely no rights.  She calls me every week and tells me that I must tell her exactly what I did with my son, what time I did it, what I fed him, what time he went down for a nap, where he slept, etc.  It's actually become comical - I let my collegues in work hear the messages.  I am trying to hire a new attorney, but quite frankly none of the attorney's I have spoken with have made me feel like I have a chance to have 50/50 parenting time and they all basically say I will get some visitation and have to pay child support to my wife.  I don't mind supporting my son (actually I want to), but why can't we have 50/50 parenting time and we just go our separate ways.  She chose not to get an education and career, why should I be punished for working my butt of to try and suceed?

[mistoffolees]

You need a better attorney. In most states, 50:50 parenting is getting to be pretty routine - in fact, it's the legislative standard in some states. Any more, one should treat 50:50 as the default and insist on some reason to vary from that.

Unless there's more that you're not telling, that should be your goal. Search until you find an attorney who will support you - they work for you.

As for the rest, it's going to be tough to hear, but all of your financial issues are completely irrelevant. The court is not going to care at all who paid for your vacations. In fact, it could backfire if she argues that she quit working to support your career (as my stbx is arguing). It's time to move on and put that behind you - it has no bearing at all in discussions of custody and support.

[notnew]

You don't say what kind of custody is in the divorce order.

Joint?, Joint Legal, sole (with mom having custody).

Based on your post I am assuming she has sole custody.

You MIGHT be able to get your order changed to 50/50 parenting time eventually, but it will be a long road.

The problem is, you unknowingly let an order be put in place that is detrimental to your relationship with your child and basically removed your parenting rights. I am in the same boat.


You can ask for a change in the custody order to read 50/50 and ask to have your child 50% of the time, but unless there has been a material change in circumstance, you most likely won't get it.

If you don't get the 50/50, be prepared with an alternate proposal for liberal visitation and a comprehensive parenting plan (there are several on this site that are pretty good). Your next order needs to state that you are allowed to receive doctor and school records. My order didn't say I wasn't allowed to see them, but because it didn't say I could, school and doctors offices didn't want to get involved. I now have an order that specifically states this as an add to the existing order.

The earlier in your childs life you try to address this issue, the better it will be for you and the child.

The events surrounding your divorce don't pertain to this action. The court is not interested in he said/she said situations. They want the two of you to come up with a settlement on your own and if you can't, then they may order a lot of things, maybe a GAL (attorney to represent interests of the child), a custody evaluation (to recommend a custody/visitation plan), mediation, etc.

Always remember when you are speaking to anyone involving the case that everything is in the best interest of the child. That is the core issue. It doesn't matter how YOU feel about how you are effected by the order, it matters how the child is impacted by things and how the relationship the child has with the parents is effected by the orders.

Clearly you see that you made critical mistakes at the onset and during your divorce. There is nothing that can be done about that now. You have to put the past behind you and look to the future.

You do not say how old your son is or how long ago the divorce was. If it was not too long ago, your chances may be better at getting a more liberal schedule with your son.

Enjoy the time you have with your son. You do not have to answer to your ex wife for what goes on with your son while you have him. Do not allow her to exercise this control any longer. Tell her that what you do with your son during your time is your business. Do tell her when you drop him off of any issues she needs to know about such as fevers, rash, etc. (common sense items). Your activities are none of her business and she has no more control over them then you do of her's when she has the child.

If she begins to become aggressive and/or hostile towards you durning exchange of child, I suggest meeting at a neutral place like a police station to keep the peace.

Keep interviewing attorneys. It sounds to me like the attorneys you've spoken to have been realistic in what you can get. Let them know you want to ask for 50/50, but you will settle for liberal visitaiton and if she has sole custody, do all you can to get it switched to joint with her having physical placement. The child has been with her and that has created a status quo. They will not change that unless you can prove she is an unfit parent and that can be very difficult.

Take baby steps now to get more time and see what develops from there.

I wish you the best of luck.

[Kitty C.]

.........can you say 'anal retentive'?  SS's BM used to be the same way....her daycare provider told me she had to 'use her journal' and from Day 1 the provider had to write down EVERYTHING, when and how much eaten, all naps (when and how long), and including what was in the diaper and HOW MUCH.  Way too extreme.  BM got her maternal education from books and magazines, so if it was something she read, it was gospel to her.

So at one point, SS had not been feeling well, prior to us going camping one weekend with him.  BM sent a 'list' of things she wanted to keep track of:  foods he ate, how much, and when.  Well, I'm an EMT and I took it the the extreme....literally.  Not only did she get all that info, but SS had his BP and temp. taken every 4 hours and I also noted EVERY bathroom event, how much, and at what time.  Mind you, SS was about 8 at the time.  It must have sent her over the edge, because she's never asked for anything like that since.

Now, a tactic like this can also backfire on you.....if she's too far gone, she may continue to take it to further extremes, if that's even possible.  You don't mention how old your child is, but I bet he's pretty young.  Keep an eye out on her behavior....there may be something going on there and you need to watch for any changes (negative and/or sudden).  And if you have any serious concerns about your child's safety while with her, don't hesitate to contact CPS/DHS.  You can even call you local law enforcement to do a welfare check, where they will go to her house to check on him.  Keep that in mind.....

[boosdad]

Sorry, you were nice enough to have responded to my post and I actually didn's bookmark the site and couldn't find my way back, but now I am.  We are not divorced as of yet, the agreement we have was a temporary agreement that I was "forced" to sign on December 22, 2006 or risk not seeing my son for the holidays.  My wife and her attorney came into a meeting with my attorney and I and stated that before they discussed anything they wanted to know what I was going to be paying and how much I wanted parenting time I wanted and if it wasn't enough money or if I wanted more than a day or two with my son they were going to get up and walk out.  For some, unknown reason my attorney didn't stand up for me and I, quite frankly, was scared I was going to spend the holidays without my son (I have no other family where I live) it was a less than ideal situation.  I have been trying to get my wife to suggest a settlement because I REALLY, REALLY want to be divorced and she is delaying the divorce (she has asked me at least three times if I wanted to get back together - which is just absolutely insane) because she cant afford it.  I was trying to work out a settlement without the attorneys involved, but she is just too unreasonable.  She's mentally unbalanced, but I really don't feel like she is a threat to my son, she is just completely irrational regarding everything.  It's always an arguement to be her way only.

[boosdad]

wow, I think your SS's BM has a twin sister...and I married her.  My son is 16 months old and about a month ago I was informed that I was "irresponsible" because I fed my son grapes.......  I was told that his body was too young to be able to breakdown grape skins and that "a lot of grape skins were in his poop when I broke it apart".........I informed her that my body (37 years old) must also be too young because when I "poop" after eating grapes I too have undigested grape skins.  Then I asked why she would be inspecting a solid poop?  She said she always checks his poop......is that not weird?  My son is also 16 months old and she refuses to feed him anything but 2nd stage Gerber food.  Everyone else I know with children are in shock that my son still doesn't eat "table" food and so am I.  Every other child I know of at that age is eating normal food or at least mixing with baby food.

My wife reads books (there one in particular which the name escapes me) and thinks that it is the end all / be all.  She is just clueless.  My wife (hopefully soon to be ex-wife) needs help and while I don't fear for my sons safety or well being in the sense that he would be mistreated or harmed I worry about his well being related to his ability to cope in the world when his mother is just over him 24/7 and doesn't let him be a child.

[Kitty C.]

I strongly recommend you go with her on one of your son's pediatric appts., even if it's just a check-up or immunization. And if she wants to know why, tell her it's YOUR responsibililty as a parent.  Ask questions of the MD right in front of her.  Ask the MD if your child should be eating table food right now and I bet you dollars to donuts the doc says yes.  If your wife is truly anal about this, she will literally question the doc, which in turn will make the doc mentally, and possibly verbally, question her as well.  Also ask the doc to document the conversation...something you might need for documentation later on....if you know what I mean.

Do NOT hesitate to engage a doctor with questions.  That's their job to answer them.  I've been in some form of healthcare for over 20 years and I cannot be intimidated by even a brain surgeon anymore.  It's their job to educate and inform, not just treat.  If you feel that your MD is cutting you off or giving you a cold shoulder, definitely assert yourself, even if you have to put a hand on his/her arm and say 'I'm not done yet'.  Whether it's your child's care or even your own, you have a responsibility to take charge of it and get all the info you need to make smart decisions.

[Sunshine1]

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