Fathers rights When no custody is established and mother wont let me see the child

[imagin2005]

Here's my situation.Its lengthy.My child is now 7.Me and the mother have been split since the child was 1.She kept switching phone numbers and moving in the past few years and i have not been able to find them.Recently i did.She let me see my son but told him i was a friend instead of his father.Apparently she remarried and told our son that his father is her husband.Anyway i went along with her telling him that so i could see him.I have been paying my child support on time the past few years.I dont owe anything.I recently moed from pa to florida and since then she still wont tell him nore put him on the phone.I have called at least 4 times a month and asked her to speak with him.She declines saying that she doesnt want to tell him i am his father because he thinks that her new husband is.Froom out of state its kinda hard to go to her house right now.Anyway ive asked her to send me copies of his report cards..she wont.I dont have his ss # to gain access to medical records.Then recently she sent me medical bills over $1000.00.There was two of them.I asked her what they were for and she told from a sledding accident in 2005.The bills are both from july 4th 2005.So first im wondering why doesnt he have insurance on him?Then im wondering how could a child get into a sledding accident in july in pa.Thats impossible.So i asked her if he has insurance..she said yes.But it turns out she doesnt have any kind of insurance on him and her and her husband are not working.My insurance does not go out of state.So now we are going thru domestci relations to find out what is going on.Well in the process she takes me for more money.In the hearing says loudly that she still hasnt told my son who i am and isnt going to.Then tells me and them she doesnt have insurance on him.They are now taking her for contempt for not carrying insurance because she is 100 percent liable according to our court order.Her and her husband have not been working for awhile.They also have another child of theirs living in the house with them.I have no idea how these ppl live besides the support i pay for my son.Domestic relations appreanly doesnt see a problem.they just keep taking me for more and more money.I still dont know why my son was in the hospital and why she is hidiing it.Her husband has an abusibe background which scares me.And now apparenlty she is taking me for full custody.So all this time nooone has custody.I haev talked to lawyers and they have told me because my son thinks her husband is his father the only thing i would get is SUPERVISED VISITATION and phone contact maybe once a month.Still in the process she wont tell me anything about my son.Ihave no idea how he is or what school he is going to..why he was in the hospital.If he has medical needs.Anything.So basically DR has no problem having me pay for her family and my son while i told them i cant afford it because i just moved into a higher cost of living area.I am married and have a disabled step son living with me now.And i have been supporting my family is all aspect(my son who doesnt even know me and my family at home).but they now raised it to 600 dollars a month..which is 300 more then i was already paying ..i cant afford it and they dont care.So now i will be forced to probbaly move out of state again to afford my rent.I moved to fl because my job relocated me and im making more money..but in the same hand my rent doubled and so did my expenses.Can anyone help on this situation with rights and how i can get my son to know me..and how this is even legal.Thanks:(

[mistoffolees]

You need another attorney. Or go to legal aid. Or anyone except your current attorney. In fact, if what you're saying is true, then you could probably file a complaint against him to the State Bar Association.

Sue for custody on the basis of parental alienation. What she is doing could easily cost her custody. At the very least, the statement that you can't get rights because she told the kid that someone else is the father is nonsense. And the claim that you'll have only supervised visitation is even worse.

There are several issues:
1. If you were not married, you'll probably have to prove paternity. Sue for custody and a patenrity test.

2. Check with your attorney, but I don't htink that you should be paying her any money. If you do, ask your attorney if you can submit it through him rather than directly to protect yourself. If you prove paternity, she can easily claim that you owe her 6 years of child support - and that all the money you gave her was a gift. You could easily end up with 6 years worth of arrears.

3. You probably want to check your attitude. What you described is not evidence of a bias against fathers. It is simply the fact that she acted first and has had custody and you let it go for 6 years without enforcing your rights. If the shoes were on the other foot, the same thing would have happened.


Finally, I'm assuming that there's nothing else you haven't told us. For example, if you have already taken a paternity test and the boy is not your biological son, your situation is much weaker.

[imagin2005]

Well i already know he is mine.WE had parentity done when he was born so they have been taking me for child support.Also no one has custody she never went for it and neither did  i.Ive talked to a bunch of lawyers in pa and they all pretty much told me the same.plus i didnt have the money at that time.Its like 300 dollars to file for cusody in pa then lawyers fees on top of it.Thanks

[Jade]

>Well i already know he is mine.WE had parentity done when he
>was born so they have been taking me for child support.Also no
>one has custody she never went for it and neither did  i.Ive
>talked to a bunch of lawyers in pa and they all pretty much
>told me the same.plus i didnt have the money at that time.Its
>like 300 dollars to file for cusody in pa then lawyers fees on
>top of it.Thanks


Someone does have custody.  And you have been paying child support to her.  

[imagin2005]

noone has legal custody.She has physical custody because a custody has never been established in a court.So should i file for visitation then?or partial custody? a lawyer said my chances of getting joint or partial are really slim being that he doesnt know me because she has him beleiving that her husband is daddy.

[mistoffolees]

>Well i already know he is mine.WE had parentity done when he
>was born so they have been taking me for child support.Also no
>one has custody she never went for it and neither did  i.Ive
>talked to a bunch of lawyers in pa and they all pretty much
>told me the same.plus i didnt have the money at that time.Its
>like 300 dollars to file for cusody in pa then lawyers fees on
>top of it.Thanks


Someone's lying to you. If you've been established as the father, there's no way in the world she can get away with telling the kid that someone else is the father - and then use it as an excuse to keep you away.

You need to get a real lawyer.

THEN you need to file for legal custody on grounds of parental alienation syndrome and anything else your attorney can think of.

[imagin2005]

Thanks for the help..ill be calling new lawyers tomorrow..i have read on parental alienation syndrome and for some reason it isnt very successful in pa..but it is a good thought..i think just alone with them doing psyc evals will help too..because apparently the mother has told me that he is an emotional child..and nce they ask him about his father ..it will bad on her side...this whole sitaution throws me through a loop..i still cannot understand how i have been mislead for so long and how every person i have talked to about this has told me they dont understand how she gets away with it...she walked into domestic relations the other day n our court hearing(i was teleconferencing bc of living out of state)and told me on the phone right in front of the case worker that she still hasnt told him im his father and that she isnt goint o..and is going to take me for full custody...the case worker didnt say anything but based my child support off my income and uped to 300 dollars a month..even with her being responsible for medical and having contempt charges on her right now from the for not providing our son with medical insurance apparenlty for the past 3 years or so...i swear the whole area she lives in  just looks at me like a paycheck..she straight out said to them she isnt working neither is her husband..and she cannot afford stuff for the child..so instead of them pulling our son out of the house being that she isnt providing..they just want me to pay the money to her so she can use it whereever..because obviously it aint going towards his medical...because she has no insurance and sent me those bills?this totally boggles my mind

[janM]

If you were not married, she has custody, physical and legal. You would have to prove her unfit to have that changed, although this degree of alienation one would think could overturn it. Doesn't always work that way.

You need to file for custody though, and settle if need be for at least joint legal custody, and ask for a period of short visits for you and your son to get to know each other. Supervised, if need be, by a third party for a while. You may want to ask that he see a counsellor to deal with the deceit.

And...it doesn't matter if she (and hubby) can't support him. They will just expect you to take up the slack. Sad but true.

[williaer]

>every person i have talked to about this has told me they dont understand how she gets away with it...


ummm, you've let her.


>she walked into domestic relations the other day n our court hearing(i was teleconferencing bc of living out of state)and told me on the phone right in front of the case worker that she still hasnt told him im his father and that she isnt goint o..and is going to take me for full custody...the case worker didnt say anything

child support and visitation are two seperate things- the case manager doesn't represent anything but the interest of the state in getting the most $$$$ they can out of you. They DO NOT care what she does with it- so long as your child is fed and clothed- they DO NOT core if she tells the boy George Bush is his dad...it doens't matter to anyone but you, her, her husband and the kid. A judge can not MAKE her tell him anything- that's physically impossible. What a judge can do is ALLOW you to tell him, bu giving you parenting time that is enforceable by a court order.

 >but based my child support off my income
That's what child support will always be based off of- get used to it. If you've been paying $300 for 7 years and are not responsible for any part of the medical- then count your lucky stars.


>she straight out said to them she isnt working neither is her husband..and she cannot afford stuff for the child

She doesn't HAVE to work- you are the one court ordered to pay money- not her. Obvioulsy the child's basic needs are being met- since he isn't in the custody of children's services...right?


>so instead of them pulling our son out of the house being that she isnt providing..they just want me to pay the money to her so she can use it whereever..

You would be hard pressed to find a court that is going to turn a kids world upside down because a non-custodial parent that the child doesn't know would like for them to....and yes, she can spend it any way she sees fit- sucks, but reality.

>..because obviously it aint going towards his medical

I can't figure out why this one bothers you so much- since you are not legally obligated to pay it. She can send you her electric bill too- you would just ignore it the same way you did the medical, right?

I hope this doesn't come off as too harsh- but being a step-mom myself and living on both ends of this- you have to deal with some things that are your reality right now. You haven't been around the child- she has- she will tell him whatever she wants- you may not like it- but it is her right to say whatever she wants in her household. It may not be "right"- but I know very few NCP's who have the time or money it takes to really get a CP punished with contempt.

Let the court work for you- take what they give you and build on it. You have to crawl before you walk with these things. Too many parents- loving , good parents like it seems you are- get crushed by trying to start out running.

[sherrie ohio]

My advice to you is to write an ask for the following at your next hearing...
A short period of sup.visitation,then every other sunday- or- saturday for a set period of time un-sup.
Then every other weekend.Example:Friday 5:00 p.m. to Sunday 5:00 p.m.
 Also her updateing you  on your child's current school records/grades and health issues now and keep giveing you current info.
There isn't much you can do about her haveing the child call her husband Dad,my husband has dealt with this sense finding out their child was his daughter.For several years this has went on through new husbands and boyfriends,and the court only see's things from her veiw.
Even thou my husband is in the child's life on a weekly basies(weekends) and attends alot of the school funtions.
Their only concern is to make sure she get's her check from my husband so the can pay her less state welfare.(And yes he is paid in full when it comes to support)
I wish you luck in your attempt to get to know your child.I truely feel for what your going through.