Is this considered in contempt?

[pw7285]

Thank you for your response.

My ex is very spiteful and can turn on me in an instant.  Although my daughter and I have a wonderful and open relationship the ex feels she is in control of it.  If she doesn't think we should talk I won't get to, if she is out playing the ex won't step outside to hand her the phone if even for a minute just to say Hi and let her know I am thinking of her.  She is the epitome of a drama queen and as I have said before, thrives on being the victim.  I find myself at times walking on eggshells to not upset her so it doesn't interfere with my communication with my daughter.  Pretty pathetic I know.


I did get to talk to my daughter last night for just over an hour.  We read a book, talked about school then I helped her get past a stage on her Paper Mario game on the Game Cube.  I found a site that walks you through each stage of the game.  This way I can still play the game with her over the phone :-)

The next obstacle will be our summer visit starting in June.  I asked the ex if it would be OK to have our daughter for an additional 3-4 days on top of the 14 and she flipped.  Said it was too stressful on our daughter and way too much time, 14 days is plenty.  I don't beleive that for a second and quite frankly think it is just another way for her to control the situation.

Anyway, thank you all for your posts.

[cinb85]

I am sorry that your ex is the way she is.  She is not doing your daughter any favors!  Children need both of their parents in their lives.  Just keep doing what you are doing.  Don't ever stop calling just because the ex makes it hard for you!

I only wish that my ex would call our daughter more often.  I suggested to him that he call her once a week.  He agreed!  The last time he talked to our daughter was on Christmas day.  He lives about 30 miles from our house!  He never asks to see her.  Lucky for him that I bring her down to his mother's house quite often so our DD can visit with her grandmother.  He lives with his mother, so he sees her when she comes down (but he has not been there many times when we come down).  You would think that when he KNOWS that she is coming down, he would make sure that he will be there!!!

Good luck to you!

[Jade]

>to teach the kids that they can ignore their parents. When SD
>is here we make it a point, out to respect, for her to answer
>the phone when it is her mom. Even if it is to say that she is
>tired and will call her back the next day.
>
>I think it is deminishing the importance of the relationship
>by regularly letting the kid turn his/her back on the phone. I
>liken it to the kid deciding not to talk to the CP for a week.
>At some point the CP is bound to get pissed at the disrespect
>the kid has for not listening to them.
>
>Sorry, this is a little but of an emotional issue for me.
>
>Ref

My ex understands that kids don't always talk on the phone and actually respects them enough to not try and force the issue (as if you can force a child to talk).  

Now, if a child wants to talk to the other parent and the one that the child is with is saying no, that is wrong.  

[gemini3]

The problem I see here is when young children pick up on their CP's (spoken or unspoken) messages that they don't like it when they talk to the NCP.  This might cause the child to say that the don't want to talk because they think it's what their CP wants to hear, but in truth they really want to talk.  Kids are very, very perceptive.

This is a touchy subject for me too.  I went for months without being able to talk to my youngest daughter on the phone.  I could hear her saying that she didn't want to talk when her mom asked her, but that didn't make me feel any better.  I knew why she was saying it.  When she did want to talk her mom would start playing a game with my other daughter, or turn on the tv, or something of that nature.  This would effectively distract her and get her off the phone with me.  Now my oldest has a cell phone (that I provided), and my youngest calls me on it all the time when her mom isn't watching.  So, I know it's not that she didn't want to talk - it's that she didn't want to talk in front of her mom.  

Children shouldn't be put in this position.  They should be allowed unrestricted phone access to their parents.  This means the parent who the child is with shouldn't send messages to the child by saying things like "You don't want to talk to your dad, do you?".  They should be encouraged to talk, this way the child knows they wouldn't be going against one parents wishes if they talk to the other parent.  This is especially true for young children who sometimes feel "wierd" about talking on the phone in general.  The CP shouldn' hover around the child when he/she is trying to talk to the other parent.

[FatherTime]

In my situation, my daughter was grounded from the phone for calling me.  2 weeks, time with me doesn't count towards the two weeks, so 2 weeks and 4 days.

but what can I do? nothing, absolutely nothing. Hence, we don't talk on the phone.  Our time together is our time.

FatherTime

[mistoffolees]

>In my situation, my daughter was grounded from the phone for
>calling me.  2 weeks, time with me doesn't count towards the
>two weeks, so 2 weeks and 4 days.
>
>but what can I do? nothing, absolutely nothing. Hence, we
>don't talk on the phone.  Our time together is our time.
>
>FatherTime

If your divorce agreement/parenting plan says that you're entitled to phone conversations, then the CP is guilty of contempt. They're not allowed to do anything to interfere with whatever is defined in your agreement.

Just one more reason to make sure the parenting plan is comprehensive and doesn't leave anything to the goodwill of the parties.

[gemini3]

I have learned a very expensive lesson on just how important it is to have a comprehensive parenting plan.

Another problem is enforcing it.  It's one thing to say that your ex is in contempt, it's another one completely to try and get a judge to do anything about it - and she knows it.

[Jade]

>The problem I see here is when young children pick up on
>their CP's (spoken or unspoken) messages that they don't like
>it when they talk to the NCP.  This might cause the child to
>say that the don't want to talk because they think it's what
>their CP wants to hear, but in truth they really want to talk.
> Kids are very, very perceptive.
>
>This is a touchy subject for me too.  I went for months
>without being able to talk to my youngest daughter on the
>phone.  I could hear her saying that she didn't want to talk
>when her mom asked her, but that didn't make me feel any
>better.  I knew why she was saying it.  When she did want to
>talk her mom would start playing a game with my other
>daughter, or turn on the tv, or something of that nature.
>This would effectively distract her and get her off the phone
>with me.  Now my oldest has a cell phone (that I provided),
>and my youngest calls me on it all the time when her mom isn't
>watching.  So, I know it's not that she didn't want to talk -
>it's that she didn't want to talk in front of her mom.  
>
>Children shouldn't be put in this position.  They should be
>allowed unrestricted phone access to their parents.  This
>means the parent who the child is with shouldn't send messages
>to the child by saying things like "You don't want to talk to
>your dad, do you?".  They should be encouraged to talk, this
>way the child knows they wouldn't be going against one parents
>wishes if they talk to the other parent.  This is especially
>true for young children who sometimes feel "wierd" about
>talking on the phone in general.  The CP shouldn' hover around
>the child when he/she is trying to talk to the other parent.


I think that it is a touchy subject for you.  So touchy that you can't see that there are kids who really don't want to talk on the phone when the other parent calls.  And it has nothing to do with spoken and unspoken messages on the part of the parent that they are with.

The only time that I hover is when they are in the bath (sometimes ex calls at inconvenient times) and they want to talk on the phone while bathing.  I do that for safety reasons.  Other than that, I am in or out of the room depending on what I am doing at the moment.

I also have the phone set to ring a special so that they know it's their father and that they can go ahead and answer the phone.

Not all CP's interfere with phone calls or visitation.  I noticed the kid's age and know from experience that they don't always want to talk on the phone.  I was just pointing out that that may be the case here.  

[Jade]

>In my situation, my daughter was grounded from the phone for
>calling me.  2 weeks, time with me doesn't count towards the
>two weeks, so 2 weeks and 4 days.
>
>but what can I do? nothing, absolutely nothing. Hence, we
>don't talk on the phone.  Our time together is our time.
>
>FatherTime

For what it's worth, I think that is very, very wrong.  And I wish that you could do something about it.  

[Ref]

BM has taken the phone off the hook for weeks, hung up the phone when she found out that it was DH, makes faces when SD tells BM about me or DH, taught SD that it is ok to screen calls, blocked email, returned letters, got rid of the cell DH bought for SD, changed SD's cell phone when DH did get the number and call it, blocked our family blog page that we created for SD, blocked our 800 # from SD's cell. In general she has not only physically made it impossible to contact SD, she has made SD know that it upsets her when she talks to DH. This has been going on for years now. She is 16 now and never calls. Never answers messages. She has no respect because she has been taught it is ok to ignore DH.

I am not saying all CP's do this. I hope that the percentage is low. Even beyond this extreme case, I think it is rude and disrespectful to ignore your parents. I am not sure why some CP's can't teach the kids that by teaching the kids how to say to the parent "I'm tired. Can I call you back tomorrow?"

BM allows SD to go weeks without returning calls. When SD is here we never let BM go over 48 hours without a return call, even if it is for SD to say that she is busy. Usually if it is over 24 hours BM calls back screaming and yelling about how DH must be keeping SD from her and how he MUST have SD call back or else. Before that BM will call SD cell phone every hour at least 3 or 4 times.

Are you saying that if SD wants to blow off BM when she is here, we should let her? I think BM would get a little pissed at that. Ofcourse she is always fine doing that to DH.

Ref