Is this considered in contempt?

[pw7285]

I am a NCP living in AZ.  My daughter and her mother moved to IA just over 3 years ago.  She is 7 now and means everything to me.  We have JC and I see her every 7-9 weeks and we try to talk every other day or so.  Recently things have been getting less frequent for various reasons and I am feeling a bit anxious.  I was just up there for a week in early March and since that time have not talked to her very often.  The ex says she is busy, tired, needs a bath, has homework etc...  I understand all of this but it has never been an issue before, we at least talk for 10 or 15 minutes.  The ex is a very controlling, a "thrives on being the victim" kind of person so her life is far worse than anyone else's on the planet...bit of a drama queen.  The ex has a live in BF that my daughter gets along with very well.  I have met him several times and he is a nice guy.  He has 2 girls of his own a little older and is good with my daughter.

The decree states that we can talk a minimum of 3X per week.  This
happens most of the time but not always.  In the past when I have brought up the decree she of course gets angry and defensive.  I guess at this point I don't know whether to look at this as a problem (that I havn't spoken to her) or let it go and continue to call every other day in hope that I talk to her or wait for her to call me.  I have literally talked to my daughter for 11 minutes in the last 9 days!  Extremely unacceptable to me.

Any suggestions or opinions?

Paul

[Ref]

I wouldn't run to the courts. What I recommend you trying is to come up with some dates and times you would be available to call you DD. Then call DD and if BM answers and comes up with another excuse, have her commit to having DD available to talk on one of your future times. Follow up the agreement with an email to her. Keep it light for now. If she doesn't commit, you should send her emails stating when you will be calling to contact DD and to ask her to discuss with you any issues she may have with the times.

Is there any time that DD is home and BM isn't? That was the very best time for DH to call SD.

When you do get a hold of DD, agree on the next time you will talk and shoot BM an email letting her know your intentions.

Good luck,
Ref

[Ref]

deleted

[mistoffolees]

If the decree says that you can talk a minimum of 3 times per week and the ex isn't allowing it, then it is contempt. However, it may be a challenge to convince a court that it's a big enough deal to take action - unless it continues for a while (and you can prove it) or it gets worse.

You certainly have every right to talk with your daughter frequently. Keep in mind that that is your goal - and try not to drag your feelings about your ex into it.

I would suggest:

1. Start recording the dates and times when you call EVERY TIME as well as the result (you talked to your daughter, or what excuse you were given). Keep a good journal.

2. When the ex says you can't talk to your daughter fro whatever reason, ask her when it is convenient. Set up a time when she can agree on (recording your conversation if necessary).

3. If she continues to deny you access, send her a registered letter with a copy of the relevant section of the agreement and tell her you're going to be forced to file for contempt if she doesn't comply.

HOWEVER, beware. She could always let you say 'Hi' to your daughter and THEN say that it's time to hang up for homework, bath, etc, and still meet the court order as you've described it ("Your Honor, there's no grounds for contempt because I did let him talk to our daughter 3 times a week which is exactly what the agreement requires"). There are other ways that she can comply with the order while not giving you any useful conversation with your daughter.

Therefore, you should seriously consider whether you want to make an issue of it. You will probably want to ask yourself if there's anything you can do to get more time with honey rather than with vinegar (such as asking when it's convenient to have your 3x per week conversations). You might even go so far as to send her a note thanking her for her cooperation when she DOES cooperate.

Just a few thoughts.

[MixedBag]

go over to Socrateaser's page and do a search on "elements of contempt".

It's the third one that is difficult to prove particularly in your case since the order is VAGUE.  Yes it says 3x a week, but it doesn't say WHEN during that week.  So it could be 3x in a day and that satisfies that week.

[Jade]

>I am a NCP living in AZ.  My daughter and her mother moved to
>IA just over 3 years ago.  She is 7 now and means everything
>to me.  We have JC and I see her every 7-9 weeks and we try to
>talk every other day or so.  Recently things have been getting
>less frequent for various reasons and I am feeling a bit
>anxious.  I was just up there for a week in early March and
>since that time have not talked to her very often.  The ex
>says she is busy, tired, needs a bath, has homework etc...  I
>understand all of this but it has never been an issue before,
>we at least talk for 10 or 15 minutes.  The ex is a very
>controlling, a "thrives on being the victim" kind of person so
>her life is far worse than anyone else's on the planet...bit
>of a drama queen.  The ex has a live in BF that my daughter
>gets along with very well.  I have met him several times and
>he is a nice guy.  He has 2 girls of his own a little older
>and is good with my daughter.
>
>The decree states that we can talk a minimum of 3X per week.
>This
>happens most of the time but not always.  In the past when I
>have brought up the decree she of course gets angry and
>defensive.  I guess at this point I don't know whether to look
>at this as a problem (that I havn't spoken to her) or let it
>go and continue to call every other day in hope that I talk to
>her or wait for her to call me.  I have literally talked to my
>daughter for 11 minutes in the last 9 days!  Extremely
>unacceptable to me.
>
>Any suggestions or opinions?
>
>Paul
 
Your child just may not want to talk to you at that time.  I know that my 7 year old and 5 year old don't always want to talk to their father when he calls.  And then there are times that he can't get them off of the phone.  

My ex also hears them saying that they don't want to talk to him as I tell them who is on the phone.  I don't know if that is the situation with your child, but it is a possibility.  

[Ref]

to teach the kids that they can ignore their parents. When SD is here we make it a point, out to respect, for her to answer the phone when it is her mom. Even if it is to say that she is tired and will call her back the next day.

I think it is deminishing the importance of the relationship by regularly letting the kid turn his/her back on the phone. I liken it to the kid deciding not to talk to the CP for a week. At some point the CP is bound to get pissed at the disrespect the kid has for not listening to them.

Sorry, this is a little but of an emotional issue for me.

Ref

[cinb85]

But......if the CP keeps pushing and pushing then the child thinks of it as a punishment.  I'm just speaking from experience.

My DD's father doesn't call her much, but when he does, I make every effort to have her take the call (which most times she does after my prompting).  She is 16 years old and he has had VERY little to do with her since she was a baby.  However, I continue to encourage a relationship between the two of them.

When she is not home, he tells me to give her a message to call him.  I give her the message and remind her about two other times, but if I continue to remind her, she takes this as nagging and doesn't want to make the call!

I will never understand why any parent wouldn't encourage their child to talk the the other parent (unless there is some history of abuse or something along that lines), but it does happen.

Maybe the poster should talk to the CP and tell her how much the phone calls mean to him and how much he enjoys talking to his child.  If the CP truly wants what is best for the child, she will start to encourage the child to take the call.

Good luck to the original poster!  

[mistoffolees]

I think that there's a fine line.

One parent should never actively interfere with communtion between the child(ren) and the other parent. Furthermore, each parent should encourage communication with the other parent.

But I don't think it's either parent's responsibility to FORCE the kid(s) to talk to the other parent.  In my view, that starts to open the door to too many control issues on each side.

[cinb85]

nm