I am a little lost, I am sure I am not the only one

[spinner]

Hi,
I have been on this site for over 4 years now and batteling with ex wife for time with our son for as much.

Over the years I got more time with our son to the point where now even though the order says she has custody, the parenting plan says 50/50
Every other week-ends and 1 night a week plus extra days every month, ...

I rescently got remaried and adopted my step daughter as my daughter (in my heart not on paper, her dad is not there) so I call her my daughter, our son calls her his sister, ...

For the past 4 month our son has came over in a more than usual need for cuddles (even before he always had a mother that is not showing her love with cuddles even though she loves our son deeply) to a point that he started to ask me why his mother loved him less than me.

Of course I said not less, same love but she shows it differently but she loves you, ...

But since last week, he started to have "separation anxiety" but very bad. keep in mind that he is in Kindergarten for a year now and never had "separation anxiety" before.

Today we had a meeting with his teacher, his mom and him and I to see if there was a problem, ... teacher said no, this happens when changes happens. However when it was time for me to go he would not. did not put a fit or whinning, more like simply crying from emmotions. went as far as saying thta he would prefer to go to my home tonight in front of his mother saying no, ....

I know you are all gona think I am taking my side of course but even though I tell him his mother loves him as much as she can, the bottom line is that she is never there for swimming class, at soccer practice she never shows up. the tooth ferry never comes to her home, my kid actually hide his lost tooth from his mom to bring them to my home and pretend it just felt. 5 years old, this is bad.


So I have to say that I am at a lost here.
I am a firm believer of 50/50 that even though she does drop him at her mom when she has him for the week-end that he is entitled to see both of us 50/50 but now he is hurt. It breaks my heart and I don't know what to do anymore.

Everytime I bring the subject to his mom that maybe she could spend 5 min to cuddle him more or maybe show up at soccer practice she think I attack her and says she is not a bad mother and end up missing the point.

We have done so many mediations with no results, ....

what can I do to help our son feel better. I cannot not show up at soccer or swimming lessons or stop giving him love. his new sister cannot not play with him, they love each other so much.

what can I do. please give me thoughts.

[HelpingHands]

You can't control what other do, you can only control what you do. Be the best parent you can be to your son. That's what you need to continue doing. Can you take him to counseling on the ONE day a week you have him?

Your little boy is crying out for attention and he needs to let an impartial party get involved to help him sort out his feelings.

Good luck.

[spinner]

yes I agree, I was actually thinking about asking the school if they have a school counselor. Do you think a school counselor would be a good choice?

I talked to our son on the phone tonight. He seems to be better if I call him, ... and not feel so sad.

Is he afraid that because his sister is with me all the time that I will forget him?

[mistoffolees]

>yes I agree, I was actually thinking about asking the school
>if they have a school counselor. Do you think a school
>counselor would be a good choice?
>
>I talked to our son on the phone tonight. He seems to be
>better if I call him, ... and not feel so sad.
>
>Is he afraid that because his sister is with me all the time
>that I will forget him?
>

A school counselor would be better than nothing, but they typically don't have the time to deal with kids who need a lot of attention. Better to get a private counselor.

[wysiwyg]

I work with many schools and typically there is 1-2 school counselors for every 1,000 to 1,500 kids and they are not trained to deal wiht these type of issues, I agree a school counselor would be better than nothing, but a well trained behavior specialist is best.  Additionally you might read some good books on kids and divorce, Douglas Darnall has a very good book on protecting your child from parental alienation, I believe there is a chapter on insecurity and young children, additionally I am sure there are several others on this same subject. For this a school counselor can perhaps reccommend a few that they would use/know of and you should also consider a book for your child called dinosaur divorce, which deals with a kids level understanding.  I dont think that your child is showing unusual types of behavior, I have gone thru this when  my parents divorced and remarried, and I have seen my kids go thru it as well.  You just need to figure out how to handle it on your end to help him, and if you cannot take your son to a counselor, perhaps you should go yourself to have them help you to  help the relationship between your family and your son.

I hope this makes sense, it is early morning adn I have not yet had my coffee...........

[Sherry1]

as well as severe ADHD which we already knew about (as well as other issues).  We took him to a top notch psychologist.  The psychologist told DH (with YSS sitting there) that he has seperation anxiety either from what has recently happened or in the past.  Recently, BM got married to someone more hateful and vile then she is who would rather her of  not had any kids, let alone teenagers in the house.  She immediately shoved the kids into the back seat and the only important person in her life was her DH and their huge beautiful house.  The kids became second class citizens.  The new DH verbally, emotionally and started to physically assault YSS.  DH had to file pretty aggressive paperwork to get YSS out of there because BM was adamant he would never live with dad.  BM has had about 5 boyfriends that have lived with them.  They all were physically abusive towards her, and we suspect, some to the boys. BM also "dropped" YSS off for 3 months with her sister when he was 9 months old while she ran off with another guy.  This also probably attributes to his separation anxiety.

I guess my point to telling you this two-fold.  You cannot change your child's mother to care about her children.  It sounds like she would rather not be bothered with her kids.  She is probably always going to be this way and you cannot do anything to make her be a good parent.

I would find a good child therapist for your son.  The therapist will help your son with his issues as well as help guide you through things you can do to help him cope with the lack of love from his mother.