Do I have any options, I've heard no

[orais007]

I am in a situation, my future ex-wife (after being separated for a year) is seeing another man man as we are going through our divorce. My two daughters 3 and 8 have met him and spent time with my wife and him as a couple. My issue is (after a few weeks of seeing him) my wife sneaks him into her home(he has a key to her house now) after the girls go to sleep and he sneaks out just before they wake up, the other night my 3yr old woke up in the middle of the night to find him sitting in the livingroom alone(outside her room, downstairs away from her Mother's) while her mother slept upstairs. I am very upset over this especially because I've met so many women that have told me how at one time in their life someone (stepfather, friend of family) molested them in one form or another (my wife was one). I spoke to an attorney (I live in CA) that was a former Deputy Dist. Attorney about the situation and she said there really is nothing that can be done unless I can prove harm to my children. What is sad is that you have to wait till something terrible happens before something gets done.
I have gone out but have made the effort of doing so without my children knowing or meeting the person I see (even though statistics are very low that a woman would molest a little girl, yet very high for a 28yr old male), let alone sneak her in while they are sleeping.
I've voiced my opinion to the Mother-in-law, she just thinks I'm jealous that her daughter has found someone new, my future ex will not speak to me about it at all.
Do I have any options, other than pray that my daughters are safe?
Thanks

[wendl]

You can request in your custody order that neither parent are allowed to have overnight guests while the children are in there care.

Some judges will go for this some won't.

Why don't you do a background check on this person, there are sites you can do this thru for a fee.

**These are my opinions, they are not legal advice**

[orais007]

My future ex-wife will not give me his full name, only his first. I would do a license plate check, but from what I've read, it's not available in CA.

[mistoffolees]

>You can request in your custody order that neither parent are
>allowed to have overnight guests while the children are in
>there care.
>
>Some judges will go for this some won't.

Actually, it seems to me that this is more common than not. In my state, it's almost the default.

>
>Why don't you do a background check on this person, there are
>sites you can do this thru for a fee.

I'm not sure what the point is. My stbx is constantly trying to interfere in my life and wanting to know about who I go out with and so on. I think it's highly inappropriate since we're on our own now.

The OP has a right to protect his kids and I agree completely that the custody order should say no overnight guests. I draw the line at snooping into the person's background.

YMMV.

[wysiwyg]

Why do you not just take the bull by the horns and introduce yourself and talk to him?  

Pardon me for saying but I think you have already judged him without knowing him or having any valid reason to distrust him to go behind his back and interfere in his personal business.  I understand that parents always assume the worst in a divorce case, but is it founded?  See if you two can speak on amiable terms.  Make your judgemnet after that and go from there.

[mistoffolees]

>Why do you not just take the bull by the horns and introduce
>yourself and talk to him?  
>


Maybe because he shouldn't be interfering in his ex's life?

I think it's innappropriate when my stbx is constantly trying to interfere in my life. I'd see that as the same thing.

I would focus on the kids. It's reasonable to say 'no overnight guests when the kids are in the house' in the divorce decree, but I don't think it's reasonable to otherwise interfere.

[gemini3]

I disagree that you have to wait until something terrible happens.  If you can show a good reason that this person may be a harm to your children (ie: he is a registered sex offender), you can do something.  But the court can't, and won't, do anything about you worrying excessively about your children.

I am on the other side of this discussion because I am the person a parent started dating.  I have been stalked online, harrassed and denigrated by the stbx, and with no cause whatsoever.  I haven't seen anything in your post that gives any reason for you to think this guy might harm your children.  Try to give him the benefit of the doubt.  How do your kids feel about him?  Do they like him?  If they do, then you have even less reason to worry.

I know it must have been scary for your daughter to wake up and find a someone in the house unexpectedly, and I understand your concern for that, but you shouldn't allow your concern to go past that unless you have good reason for it.

Yes, you can ask for your decree to state no overnight guests, but remember that you will have to abide by the same.  Eventually you will move on and find someone that you want more than a few dates with, and your children are very young.  Try not to let your emotions get the best of you.

[wysiwyg]

I ma not suggesting to interfere, although interference can be construed in all sorts of ways.  however I was simply suggesting that he introduce himself, (might get last name then too) and from that one can formulate an opion to either delve deeper of not, for all anyone knows he might be a very nice man who has little direction on this situation, some people do not mind if another jumps in and takes the reins - other dads are more sensitive regarding another mans presence.  I think just introducing can answer alot in a short amount of time on order to make a decision on how to move forward productively, whether it be a positive relationship or one that needs more monitoring.

I agree re: sleeping - but some judges think that in itself is interference.  Its all a matter of ones opinion.

[mistoffolees]

>I ma not suggesting to interfere, although interference can
>be construed in all sorts of ways.  however I was simply
>suggesting that he introduce himself, (might get last name
>then too) and from that one can formulate an opion to either
>delve deeper of not, for all anyone knows he might be a very
>nice man who has little direction on this situation, some
>people do not mind if another jumps in and takes the reins -
>other dads are more sensitive regarding another mans presence.
> I think just introducing can answer alot in a short amount of
>time on order to make a decision on how to move forward
>productively, whether it be a positive relationship or one
>that needs more monitoring.
>
>I agree re: sleeping - but some judges think that in itself is
>interference.  Its all a matter of ones opinion.

Sorry, but having to deal with it, I think ANY contact with the ex's personal life is interference.

My stbx is constantly asking me what I'm doing and who I'm with and it's just plain none of her business. I feel the same in this situation. I don't think trying to make friends with the ex's new bf is appropriate in any way.

[orais007]

>I disagree that you have to wait until something terrible
>happens.  If you can show a good reason that this person may
>be a harm to your children (ie: he is a registered sex
>offender), you can do something.  But the court can't, and
>won't, do anything about you worrying excessively about your
>children.
>
>I am on the other side of this discussion because I am the
>person a parent started dating.  I have been stalked online,
>harrassed and denigrated by the stbx, and with no cause
>whatsoever.  I haven't seen anything in your post that gives
>any reason for you to think this guy might harm your children.
> Try to give him the benefit of the doubt.  How do your kids
>feel about him?  Do they like him?  If they do, then you have
>even less reason to worry.
>
>I know it must have been scary for your daughter to wake up
>and find a someone in the house unexpectedly, and I understand
>your concern for that, but you shouldn't allow your concern to
>go past that unless you have good reason for it.
>
>Yes, you can ask for your decree to state no overnight guests,
>but remember that you will have to abide by the same.
>Eventually you will move on and find someone that you want
>more than a few dates with, and your children are very young.
>Try not to let your emotions get the best of you.

Thanks for the imput, but you're just defending yourself and what you're doing. You obviously do not have young daughters of your own to be concerned for. If you did and took a moment to read the newspaper, read statistics, watch TV, you would be concerned with any other man being in the house with your children, it only takes one "nice" guy to change a life.  They're all nice guys until found otherwise.  I have no problem sending the women I see home at the end of the day, they have a home and I have one for that reason,(and it's a sign of respect towards the children)  I can spend the night without my children being involved on off nights.  If it isn't so wrong then why does she have to sneak him in?  
Sure I may be very "emotional" about this, but sometimes  that's part of being a parent, the worst part is saying "if I had only done something sooner".  If we don't watch out for our children, you can bet there is someone out there that is watching them.