I need help :( I miss my kids & no one is telling me anything...

[pickaguitar]

It has been 2 weeks and one day so far since my wife has left me and/or been separated from me.  There was no argument...it seemed to be a fairly pleasant day when she left all of the sudden.
fyi...my kids and I have a great relationship which I'd describe as very loving, healthy and supportive.

We have been together for 6 years & in the last 2 We have have had many things come our way.

1. She was spending money excessively without telling me and thus putting us further into debt.
2. She seemed depressed and/or bipolar...she showed all of the text book signs.
3. I caught her being unfaithful...talking/dating another married man she met at her work.
  (She finally owned up to and said is was wrong and that she was sorry however she didn't seem very forthright about it and wanted move on a little too quickly from it)
4. She lies a lot.
5. We have dealt with deaths of members of our non-immediate family.
6. We've had trouble communicating and went to marriage counseling.

These are just a few of the top things that I can think of for now...

Now her family won't talk to me.  They seem to not be helping the situation in anyway and I don't have a high opinion of them or their decisions.  My wife unfortunately takes advice from them a little too much and does not seem willing to think independently even though she is a 28 year grown woman.  I have no history of abuse nor would I ever.  She has a therapist that she went to once which I was happy about however now the therapist is calling me for phone numbers on how to contact her because she hasn't gone back.

I DO love her and I really love and miss the kids.
So for now I'm wondering if I'm naive to the fact that this is over and I should actually file for divorce or should I hang on hoping for some type of change for the better.

I married her in sickness and in health and I'd like to see her get help if she's sick (bipolar).
I've talked to one attorney who said that there is only divorce I want to find out anything and see my kids.  I'm not sure what to think about that advice.

-Can I possibly find another (good) attorney that can help me see my kids for the time being without pursuing divorce?

Please advise and ask any questions if I left something out.  I am in shock of this situation and feel lost without any info.  I can't understand the silence...it makes me think something much bigger is going on here such as her possibly being pregnant from the other man...maybe my mind is working overtime here??

[FLMom]

Welcome to SPARC. Check out the archives and read anything that you think may help.

This may sound kind of harsh, so please don't think I'm bashing you in any way, shape or form. Since you're here asking for advice, just keep in mind it may not be what you'll want to hear.

I understand that you love your wife. Divorce sucks, no doubt about it. If she's gone as far as she has right now, she's probably already been thinking about this for a while. Don't let the love you still feel blind you. She has left with the most precious things in the world to you----your children. Get mad, and get mad quick.

You need to not only file for divorce, you need to file for emergency custody of the children, and I mean RIGHT NOW. You've got one major thing over her right now------in the eyes of the court, she's a vagabond and you're a stable father who is still in the family dwelling. Courts don't want to mess with kids' continuity. You need to show in no uncertain terms how stable you are and how stable she isn't by upsetting their lives through leaving with them.

As for the "RIGHT NOW" part-----the longer you give her time to settle in somewhere, the more she creates a nasty burden called "status quo". This happens all the time. A wife files for divorce and moves away with the kids. It takes the husband a few months to understand that the divorce is going to happen before he reconciles himself to it. He decides to file for custody, which could take many months----sometimes up to a year before a judge finally takes things under consideration. By then she has created a "status quo". The kids are now more used to living in the NEW place than they were the family home. They're settled in, and a judge won't want to upset that apple cart. Boom, custody lost. You become an every other weekend and two weeks out of the summer dad.

RUN to an attorney this afternoon.

If this is an emotional issue on her part, and she ends up getting her act together and realizing she wants to be with you and be part of a cohesive family unit, great! You can stop a divorce many months from now. You can celebrate your second marriage with a ceremony even better than the first. What you can't do, unfortunately, is undo time.

It's a 50/50 crap shoot that you'll have a relationship with your kids if you wait. Those odds fall every day that they're settling in somewhere else.

And BTW----if you've got a little voice that's poking you on the shoulder and making you go through your mental Rolodex of possibilities, it's doing it's job. Those same signs that you're thinking of as mental illness are also the signs of a woman getting ready to fleece her husband before she starts a new life.

Please keep us updated. I wish you the best of luck.
FLMom

[pickaguitar]

ok...thank you FLMom

Question...I think I've found a great attorney but he costs $7500 up front and depending on how much work he does depends on how much I get back if I choose to end the divorce.  I am not a rich man...mostly live month to month.  Harold Shapiro is his name...Plano TX.  He seems very confident but is very expensive.

Should I shop around more...how does one know when they've got a good attorney that's the right price?  Any suggestions for the Dallas/Plano, TX area?

What about a no-fault divorce?  Apples and oranges?

[FLMom]

There's a lot of theories in shopping for an attorney.

You want to make sure he or she is an experienced family law attorney. You want someone who is busy enough that they have a great reputation, but not so busy as to not be accessable when you need them. Think of anyone you know that has been through a divorce--even a friend of a friend--and ask whom they used and if they would recommend him or her.

One thing I found out is that you absolutely want an attorney, man or woman, who isn't a "yes" man. They act outraged when they hear your story, tell you that you have a 100% chance of everything going your way, and they nod like a bobblehead at everything you say. I needed someone who would tell things to me straight, and not be afraid to set me straight or even hurt my feelings.

You may have luck doing what I did. I called the local county clerk of court and asked who they saw regularly there filing paperwork that was a family law attorney. They gave me a few names, and I think I called the first three on the list. One called me back by lunchtime, the others never bothered to call back. Voila, I found my attorney.

There's also the state bar association's website---Texas has to have one---you could start there and see who is family law certified in your area. If they have an office that's in a ritzy area, keep looking until you find one in the right neighborhood for your cost level.

I don't think $7500 is too far out of the ballpark, although I was able to find an attorney here in Florida for about half that amount as the retainer. Read the fine print before you sign anything, and move on if you don't like what you read.

I haven't a clue about no fault divorce or what Texas law is like in that regard, so I can't help you there. I can tell you one thing, though. Don't sign anything "temporary" thinking it will change later. Temporary orders have a way or morphing into permanent orders.

Just remember one thing. Your lawyer works for YOU. There's a fine line between steering you straight and taking you for a ride. If you can't get him or her moving at your speed, you want someone you can get in telephone contact with quickly. One question I'd ask is how long on the average it takes for them to return phone calls. If they answer honestly, great. If they get flustered and huffy, move on.

[FLMom]

Let's see if there's anyone from Texas that will see this flagged. They may be able to give you some more pertinent advice.

[bdmarket]

I am very sorry to hear about your situation.  I am going through the exact same thing except for 2 slight differences.  1) We were together for 11 years. 2) We were not married.  You could possibly be in a better situation than me because you are married and have rights.

That being said, it will not be easy and I'm sorry to tell you but you can NOT (as someone else said) let the love you feel for her blind you.  When it gets to the point that she is lying and being unfaithful, she made up her mind a long time ago that's what she wanted to do.  You are just putting yourself through more heartache.  Now that doesn't mean that things can't change in the future, but she's already left and that there speaks loudly.  Just ask yourself this question, would you leave her if you loved her and wanted to be with her?  See what I'm saying?

I know that you miss your children very much just as I do.  It just doesn't seem fair but hang in there, find out what your options are immediately and take action if you are able.  Unfortunately I am still in grad school and do not have the finances to just go and grap an attorney.  I wish you the best and if you ever need to chat or anything, you can email me.  I don't know if we can post emails on here but I will get it to you if you'd like.  

Stay positive and find a support system if you can to keep your mind off it.

[Davy]

Pickaguitar,

First up, FLmom gave you some good advice.  I was basically word for word just like you in 1983 or was it 1984.  Plano (1980 - 2004).  17 yr relationship, 14.5 yr marriage then kids taken to another state.

Interstate custody matters are long, frustrating, expensive,... and most of all damaging to all parties. Collin county did everything they could to destroy my children in favor of maintaining the status quo ... mother custody (97% nation-wide in 1983) ... no matter what.  

I know things are much better in Collin county these days for children and fathers. I think the Collin County web site outlines custody proceedures (developed by family law specialist Richard Robertson (one of my attorneys').  So be encouraged.

In my particular situation, I never dreamed in a thousand years the mother would cause harm or allow harm to be caused to the kids.  I was VERY WRONG.  Once back in her hometown (where we never lived as a family)  Mother did a huge about face becoming her parents little girl
and acting like she was 16 again.  Eventually, she proved herself unfit (out of state) so 2 of the 3 (not daughter) were recovered and continued to be raised by this single father in Plano (oldest 1989 PESH; youngest 1992 PSHS).  So be encouraged.

I interviewed numerous attorneys and conducted a lot of research to find a way to file for custody without filing for divorce.  In a nutshell, some states allow for handling familiy matters separately (bifurcation) : divorce, custody, property, support, visitation, etc).  TX statues demands filing for the marriage to be dissolved in order to entertain custody of children.  TX frowns on a divorce filing that contains the phase "I don't believe in divorce".  

Some things of immediate concern : maintain Collin County venue and family home if at all

possible, ACT but never REACT to adversity, and always FOCUS on the children rather than your emotions or the mother.  Be prepared when interviewing attorneys and decipher between the system's  (court/attys) "social policy" and the authentic short & long term best
interest of the children.  That means (if possible) the children have both parents in their life.  And Dad, do not be taxed or allow your children be taxed by the mother's wrong-doings, insecurities or selfishness.  You have better than equal footing.  So be encouraged.

You may know HS as the attorney representing the father terminated by DCFS because "he should have known" his wife would severed his baby's arms.  How bizarre !!  I know HS as a high profile Country club school board member the husband of the mayor and now state senator.
Robertson is also very good and may be more expensive ... very much a strait shooter on what you can expect or will happen (even if you don't want to hear it).  You may want to interview with him. Both attorneys have practiced in Collin county for a very long time representing fathers.  There may be others as well - even females.  So be encouraged.

I had a lot of flex time and occassionally became a casual observer in family court (puke) ... very much a learning experience.

Click on my user name to send a personal message if you wish. I'm very close to Plano ... my youngest son and I operate a business in the area that originated in Plano.

Best to you and your kids !!!!
nm

[wendl]

You can save some money by educating yourself.  Read up on the laws in your state, you can also maybe do some of the paperwork to help the costs of the case.

7,500 isn't to far fetched when it comes to divorce.

If you have joint accounts put  FREEZE on all accounts. Also if you have a 401K I would take a loan out on it BEFORE you file for divorce once you file she is entitle to 1/2.

You need to protect yourselve.   Sometimes the soon to be ex's regarless of male/or female turn dirty and mean in the midst of a divorce.


**These are my opinions, they are not legal advice**

[Jade]

>You can save some money by educating yourself.  Read up on
>the laws in your state, you can also maybe do some of the
>paperwork to help the costs of the case.
>
>7,500 isn't to far fetched when it comes to divorce.
>
>If you have joint accounts put  FREEZE on all accounts. Also
>if you have a 401K I would take a loan out on it BEFORE you
>file for divorce once you file she is entitle to 1/2.
>
>You need to protect yourselve.   Sometimes the soon to be ex's
>regarless of male/or female turn dirty and mean in the midst
>of a divorce.
>
>
>**These are my opinions, they are not legal advice**

And she will get the half of the amount before the loan.  Taking a loan out during the divorce process to reduce the amount of money the other would get really isn't a good idea.  Just like reducing your income isn't a good idea.  

[mistoffolees]

>And she will get the half of the amount before the loan.
>Taking a loan out during the divorce process to reduce the
>amount of money the other would get really isn't a good idea.
>Just like reducing your income isn't a good idea.  
>

It's worse than that. If you take out a loan on an account and then file for divorce, you can (in theory) be held in contempt - even though you took the money out before filing.

Granted, it may not be very likely, but anything that you do along those lines makes you look bad before the judge and you could end up regretting it.