Children refusing to return to BM

[Shelee_Shney_Bney]

I am in hopes that somebody can spread some light on my situation. I share custody with BM.

My parenting time is due to end soon and my kids are already putting up a fight, refusing to return to BM's home.

We are in the middle of an already 2 year litigation over custody and are due back in court for another round of hearings this fall. According to my children that's not soon enough for them.

Can my kids legally refuse to return to their residential home without a court order?

BM has told my kids that she doesn't care what they want and is determined to fight even them in court to remain residential. In an uproar the kids are being rebellious and have repeatedly told their mother over phone calls that they will put up a fight and refuse to return with her at the end of my parenting time if she comes out to retrieve them.

I on the other hand support my kids and can't force them to go back with her if they feel threatened.

What Measures Can I Legally Take to Help them Remain Here?? We've already petitioned temporary custody during the pendency of this case, but we won't know the outcome of that for a long while! The kids are getting crazy with threats!

My attorney's secretary, in a scuffle over my kids (12 & 14) rash attempts at alerting our county's D.R. Judges thru emails, told me that what my kids need is a good spanking in order to force them back into BM's home.  x(  I am not happy with her comment!  I refuse to scold my children over this. What kind of parent would I be if I forced them back into an environment that they feel threatened to be in?

Help!

[janM]

They are minors, and if they don't go back, you'll be in contempt of your court order.

Why do they feel threatened? Have they told a doctor/counsellor or other professional why they don't want to go back?

I know you're sympathetic to their feelings, but you should be reinforcing that they have to go back until the court says otherwise. If you have joint legal custody, have them see a counsellor who can determine if they are sincere or if there are legitimate concerns as to their safey.

[Jade]

>I am in hopes that somebody can spread some light on my
>situation. I share custody with BM.
>
>My parenting time is due to end soon and my kids are already
>putting up a fight, refusing to return to BM's home.
>
>We are in the middle of an already 2 year litigation over
>custody and are due back in court for another round of
>hearings this fall. According to my children that's not soon
>enough for them.
>
>Can my kids legally refuse to return to their residential home
>without a court order?
>
>BM has told my kids that she doesn't care what they want and
>is determined to fight even them in court to remain
>residential. In an uproar the kids are being rebellious and
>have repeatedly told their mother over phone calls that they
>will put up a fight and refuse to return with her at the end
>of my parenting time if she comes out to retrieve them.
>
>I on the other hand support my kids and can't force them to go
>back with her if they feel threatened.
>
>What Measures Can I Legally Take to Help them Remain Here??
>We've already petitioned temporary custody during the pendency
>of this case, but we won't know the outcome of that for a long
>while! The kids are getting crazy with threats!
>
>My attorney's secretary, in a scuffle over my kids (12 & 14)
>rash attempts at alerting our county's D.R. Judges thru
>emails, told me that what my kids need is a good spanking in
>order to force them back into BM's home.  x(  I am not happy
>with her comment!  I refuse to scold my children over this.
>What kind of parent would I be if I forced them back into an
>environment that they feel threatened to be in?
>
>Help!

The kind who wants a chance of winning your custody dispute.

You don't return the kids, you just may end up with supervised visits.  

Have they said why they refuse to go back?  

[mistoffolees]

The kids need to go back. Period. (unless they want to visit with you in jail).

If they're 12 and 14 AND can present to the judge some good reasons why they want to stay with you, then there's a good chance they will get that AFTER THE HEARING. But those need to be solid, rational reasons. "Mom is mean to me" doesn't cut it.

I would tell the kids that you sympathize and are trying to use LEGAL channels to get them with you full time. If you explain to them that if you violate the court order they may go full time with BM, they're old enough to understand it.

The only exception would be if there is a real, imminent risk of serious harm. In that case, file with CPS right away and tell the court you need an emergency hearing. But since I don't see any sign of that, that's moot.

[true]

hmmm

Obviously, You could send the "kids" back with a "Plan" that so disrupts their life.  This would entail interupting their Social life at school, their academics, and any after school activities that they had participated in, most importantly their home life.

You, could continue to conduct and maintain the issue(s)  through consistent and constant emails to your children.  Also, you could reinforce your postion through voice messages as well.

The normal behaviours  that have happened upon return of parenting time within school time, would obviously change.  As they would be consistently reminded of "your needs, wants or desires" etc.

Teachers would be willing to speak and perhaps write letters upon Your behalf should You choose to approach them. Considering there most likely would and will be a change in behaviors most especially given the ages of the children.


Much could happen to pursuade the Judicial system within your favor.


Best of luck to YOU, as always document, document.

I wish no one, children, anyone to be a part of the "plan".

true

[gemini3]

Why are the kids refusing to go home?  Are they in danger?  Why do they feel threatened?  This would shed a lot more light on the situation for me.

I have noticed that kids are hyper-sensitive to what's going on between their parents.  I've heard my step-kids tell out right lies over the phone about things that have happened at my house, right in front of me.  You have to consider that they may be manipulating one or both of you, or they may be attempting to find security in their relationship with you by showing loyalty to you over their mom.  Kids express things in strange ways sometimes.  

I hope that you are encouraging them to have a healthy relationship with their mom, and to talk about their feelings with her and try to work out their problems instead of threatening not to come home.  This is not a healthy way to resolve problems.  No matter how bad their mom is, you have to remember that she is their mom.  They're going to have to deal with her and her issues eventually, no matter what.  Even if you were to find a way to completely remove her from the kids lives, THAT would have an impact on them.  It's your job as their parent to teach them how to handle things in a healthy way.

Bottom line is, they have to go home.  If their safety is a real issue, you could work out a safety plan for them.  Explain to them that they have to go home or you could end up in jail.  Explain that you love them, and that their safety is important to you.  Figure out a plan with them of things they can do if they feel threatened.  It's important that they understand that this is only to be used if they feel genuinely threatened, and not to manipulate the situation.  Some examples could be to call the police, to go to a "safe zone" (a friend's house or pubic place), to talk to their school counselor, to talk to their therapist if they have one, talk to their coach or a teacher at school.  

There are lots of things you can do to help your kids feel safe and help you not worry as much.  But they do have to go home, as hard as that is.  

[jenjen]

I have had some experiance in this matter as my children 9 and 11 refused to go back to there custodial parent and a few things I have learned is...you have a right to protect your children!!  please DO NOT tell your children that you will go to jail if they dont return, try to find out why they dont want to return, have someone you can trust that will be neuttral find out why (not cps, police, or any legal official) my child would not tell me the problem and when the other parent came to pick up children they refused to leave...then the other parent called the police who spoke to me and I informed the police that the children did not want to go and they are welcome to come and get them, of course they never came and the children stayed with me for about a week and one of the children felt safe enough to tell of sexual abuse to a family member, who reported it. (as close as i am to my children i dont no why they just didnt tell me but, i soon found out later why they wouldnt tell me) when the child was interviewed by cps the second time it was at school in front of the counselor and the perpetrator so of course the child froze and said nothing. the child was also told that if they didnt return that I would be in trouble and might go to jail....so feeling once again helpless and for the love and prtection of me the child went back.........and was sexually abused again. later after finally geting custody after the perpetrator was caught (and let go and since fled the country) My children were always under the threat that if they told me what was happening that the other parent would have me put in jail and they would never see me again and other things would or could be done to me(that i wont mention) this children believed this because they witnessed first hand when i would pick them up for my parenting time the other parent threaten me withcalling the police and the police show up in droves and getting in my face forcing me to leave and the children not being able to come with me...they bdelieved the other parent had all this power and they didnt dare tell the police because the police believed everything that the parent said even when the child said they wanted to go with me the police spoke to them and said no. these children thought they were protecting me and didnt want to take the chance of never seeing me again. (there were other things that were done to them..psycological things I wont mention) please dont show your children that someone or anything has power over you, you are there comfort and protector....If this kids happen to run away from mom, they need to know they can run to you and be safe cause if they feel the need to run they will run and you dont want tem to be in the street, judges will allow children at that age to speak, mine got the opportunity to do so. Let them express there feelings.  better now then later after the damage has been done. those are your children...No lawyer, judge, cps worker or any state agency cares more for your childrens well being than you and dont you forget it!! please listen to your children