Don't know if this is the right board for my question, but....

[sweetnsad]

My SO and I are engaged and have been for a couple of years now.  We will be together for three years in August and I am pregnant with our second child.  Here's my dilemma:

My SO's parents think that I am hurting their son's case by being present at lawyer's meeting, court dates, etc...they think it looks badly for him to be dragging me along with him while he is still in the middle of a divorce mess with PBFH.  Oh, and the fact that I'm pregnant doesn't look good either...it makes him appear "irresponsible"...

I love my SO with all my heart and we are like one person.  We support each other and our children (mine, his and ours).  He totally disagrees with his parent's opinions on this and has told them that without me to support him and be there for him, he doesn't know what he would have done.  We do everything together and support each other 100%.  I can't imagine staying at home while he fights this battle himself.  

Does anyone have an opinion?  Am I wrong to want to be there for him every step of the way?  He's often said, "my problems and your problems are our problems...we fight them together".

Thanks for the advice in advance.

[Brent]

>My SO's parents think that I am hurting their son's case by
>being present at lawyer's meeting, court dates, etc...they
>think it looks badly for him to be dragging me along with him
>while he is still in the middle of a divorce mess with PBFH.
>Oh, and the fact that I'm pregnant doesn't look good
>either...it makes him appear "irresponsible"...

It appears that what they're saying is that they would rather he go through this without your support and assistance. That's very short-sighted of them, in my opinion.


>Does anyone have an opinion?  Am I wrong to want to be there
>for him every step of the way?  He's often said, "my problems
>and your problems are our problems...we fight them together".

I think you're doing the right thing, and his parents should either  be grateful for your help. I applaud you for your committment to him and the children.

[MKx2]

You might not like what I have to say sweet ... but it is being said in the best interest of all of you and the legal issues your SO is facing.

1.  You don't have to be "physically" with your SO in order to be supportive, etc.

2.  In actual fact, while there are no laws that state a person is irresponsible, if this person is still not divorced, living with someone, and has a child and is expecting a 2nd one with that someone ... the "image" if you will, may in fact harm his case.

Understand that even though judges are not to let things outside the actual law influence them, it can and I'm sure has in many instances.  I don't recall what state you're in, but in VA, in the midst of DH's custody battle, just prior to our marriage - our attorney told us point blank - we do NOT want the judge to find that you are co-habiting.  They don't like it at all.  Do NOT (referring to me) be present.

Others may have a different opinion, and that's fine.  I am older and a bit "old school" - and yes it IS being somewhat deceitful, double-standard, blah blah blah.  The world is made up of double standards and the sooner you learn how to live with and work/work with them, the better off you are.

Unfortunately there are games one has to play in life.  If there is even a REMOTE chance that the judge could be influenced by your presence, I wouldn't take it.  No way, no how.

JMO ... and I DO understand how much you want to be with your SO during these times, but if you're that close then the physical presence really isn't needed.

[sweetnsad]

Thank you Brent for your kind words and encouragement.  It means alot.

MK, I understand your points as well...they make alot of sense.  To clarify, I live in Canada, so I don't know if that makes a difference or not.  I'm not familiar with the court systems or the judges' policies.  

My SO has often said to me and his parents that he doesn't pay his lawyer to like him or his lifestyle...kind of funny!...she's paid to provide a service whether she likes the way he lives or not.

I understand your opinion on not being "physically" present, that it may hurt his case...I've always looked at it differently...that if I'm there, it makes us look like we are committed to being a family and doing the right things for the kids involved.

Thank you for your responses.  They are appreciated.

[Brent]

I can't disagree with what you've said, you made some good points that are well worth taking into consideration.

>1.  You don't have to be "physically" with your SO in order to
>be supportive, etc.

True.



>person is irresponsible, if this person is still not divorced,
>living with someone, and has a child and is expecting a 2nd
>one with that someone ... the "image" if you will, may in fact
>harm his case.

Also true, and sometimes image is important; there's no denying it.




>marriage - our attorney told us point blank - we do NOT want
>the judge to find that you are co-habiting.  They don't like
>it at all.  Do NOT (referring to me) be present.

Some judges do have a reall issue with co-habitating, others don't. If in doubt, tread softly.



>Unfortunately there are games one has to play in life.  

Also very true, unfortunately.

[Indigo Mom]

I've yet to see a Judge who hasn't come from the Jurassic age.  Most of them are older than dirt, and do come from the "old school" where you get married THEN have children.  They do tend to look down on those who aren't doing things the way they "should" be.  And you know how "old" people are...they've NO problem what so ever telling you what an irresponsible idiot you are...LOLOL

Your husband is still married, yet working on his 2nd child from someone else.  While they may seem normal to the younger generations, the older ones don't like it one bit.  

MKx2 is correct, you don't have to be standing right next to him to support him.  We support you, and you've no clue what we even look like.  If your 2nd pregnancy is such an issue with his family, maybe you should back out of the actual court hearings and meetings.  He will know, even though you're at home, that you're still with him.

One more thing.  I bet his stbx spits nails each and every time she sees you with child.  That could set her off and make things more difficult for your sweetheart...though it's not right, it's bound to happen.

Support him in what he does....but stay back.  For his sake.  

[sweetnsad]

You've all made some very good points and I will remember them and do what's best for him and our family.  I certainly don't want to be the reason he gets screwed in court.

Thanks again.

[hisliltulip]

*Note:  DH and BM married and separated in 1999 (married 4 months).  

DH and I started dating in summer of 2000, started living together in summer of 2001.  DH served BM with papers in summer of 2002 for custody of their child in common.  Winter of 2003, "officially" became engaged (I got the ring).

In the beginning of DH's court mess attorney told me to stay away (temporary custody hearing) which I did.

For the trial (summer of 2003), I asked attorney whether or not I should stay away again.  He was adament that I be there, and that our relationship would look less stable to the Judge if I was NOT there.

My advice is check with your attorney.  It may all depend on the Judge.

BETH

[nosonew]

I believe everyone has had different experiences regarding this matter, however, here is MY opinion:

You have 2 children together, how long has this court stuff been going on? 2 years, 3, years, 4 years? More? Is the man supposed to stay single all this time?  Heaven forbid!!

I say go, be supportive, if YOUR ATTORNEY approves of you being there! He should know the judge and his opinions of this type of stuff better than most.  If you have time and know which judge you will have, sit in his court room for a week, check things out.  See how he rules, what he favors, dislikes.  

Myself, I think judges have better things to do than "judge" every person that comes across his room.  And, if it was 1960, I would say, yeah, stay out of it!  2004, Hell no, be there!  

And Brent, I agree with your 1st Post.  MK2, I usually ALWAYS agree with what you say, and what you said has alot of merit, IF it is the same in this case.  I say they check it out first, then see what their options are and how best to proceed.  

Love you guys!

[Neversaynever]

DH went to court on CS case.  BM mentions that she has had something going on with newborn and the judge says:  You have another child?  Who's support him?      And BM says:  Oh, the dad lives in the home with us.      Judge looks at her and just sits there shaking her head.  Obviously it mattered to DH's judge.