question......input requested.....

[krazyfamily_6]

Have some questions on our court order.  I am the custodial parent of my 11 year old son.  BM has the standard EOW visitation with an additional weekend every month.  This is specifically what our court order states......

"XXXXX (BM) is granted parenting time with the minor child pursuant to Loc.R.19, and shall have one additional weekend per month as long as she guarantees that minor child attends all his regularly scheduled activities when he is in her care.  XXXXX (me) shall advise XXXX (BM) at least three weeks in advance as to which weekend XXXX (BM) may have for her third weekend each month."

So every month I email BM a schedule for the next month, with copies of any and all school/extra curricular activites included.  BM asked for a week of time with our son during August which I agreed to outside of the court order.  I notified BM that our son had football practice for four days of that week and she agreed to take him.  I told her that if she couldn't take him for some reason, to let me know and I would take him.
Needless to say, BM did not take our son to practice for that week.  

My attorney advised me to file a contempt charge as this is not the first time that BM refused to comply with the court order.......examples......not returning our son on time after her visitation, not taking him to scheduled activities, not allowing phone contact on extended visits with our son............and so on.  

So I filed for contempt.  BM had our son over the weekend and brought him almost an hour late for his first football game of the season......so he was made to sit out.  She just dropped him off and left.

My son was upset after the game because he didn't get to play and he had practiced very hard all week.  When I asked him what was bothering him, he said that his mom told  him that I was taking her weekends away from her and that she got her car taken away because she has to give me money.  He also said that his mom promised to take him to an amusement park but didn't take him because I make her pay me money.  

Ok, she was court ordered to pay a meager amount in child support which she just started paying after over a year of not paying a dime.  Also, none of her weekends have been taken away from her, she has gotten our son on all of her scheduled weekends in addition to several other times outside of the court order.

I guess the question I am asking is how do I handle this?  

How many of you have filed a contempt charge?  Did the BM get charged?

How many of you deal with BM telling the child outright lies about you?  How do you deal with that?  

I don't want to badmouth my son's mother to him but I feel like I should be able to sort the truth out for him.  He has all this anger towards his mother but has been directing it towards me for most of this summer.

I welcome all advice, thank you.

[Giggles]

but perhaps a certified letter to the BM requesting that she not discuss issues of an adult nature (ie custody, child support, etc) with DS as it is not in his best interest and is causing him distress.  Explain to her that DS is becoming angry with her actions and you would like to discuss a solution that works best for him.

I think I would have prior to filing for contempt, sent a letter to her regarding the late drop off's, missing activities, etc.  That if they were to continue, contempt would follow.

I don't know what dynamic you have with the BM or how cooperative she is, but I found in my 15 years of dealing with custody issues, a proactive approach seems to work best...but not always.

[Kent]

I won't comment on the legal issues, as you seem to have that covered.

In dealing with your son, I have faced exactly that same issue (mom telling half-truths and lies, and badmouthing me). At first I was at a loss as to what to do about it. I didn't want to badmouth his mother. So I did nothing. I let my son talk out his frustration to me, and you know what, it didn't help at all.

Then I took a different approach, and looked at it this way (and I know many people here disagree with me, but I took advice from a well-respected child psychologist and child advocate); If BM tells your son a half-truth or lie, and your son tells you, and you do not respond, then that is the only thing your son hears, so it much be true.

Now, there is a big difference between badmouthing the ex and rectifying false information (with most of it being perceived in how you present the information), so only react to what he tells you.
But DO inform him, in his age-appropriate language, of the facts.

As for the examples that you present:
Explain to him that you are not trying to take her weekends away. You want to foster a good relationship between him and his mother. However (and here comes the part where you can wash off all blame), the JUDGE says that his mom has to bring him back on time, and has to bring him to his practice and games on time, and if she refuses to do what the judge says, then the judge may take her weekends away.

She does not give YOU money. She gives the money to be spent on your son. His food, clothes, football uniform, etc. Tell him how much these things cost, and how much she pays (but use figurative numbers, like: for every $ 10.00 I spend on you, she pays $ 2.00 to spend on you - even though she is just as much your parent as I am)

It is inappropriate for her to promise your son to go to an amusement park but not take him because she has to give you money FOR HIM. She knows that she needs to give money FOR HIM, it is not something that suddenly came up.

After I started to inform my son of how things really were, he started to see his mother for who she really is. It helped him understand things better, and it taught him to be critical of information he receives.

Kent!

[krazyfamily_6]

Thank you for your advice.  I have tried over the years to coparent with BM..........I've tried the "let's work together for the best interest of our son" approach many times.  

I have tried what you have suggested and she still will not comply.  That is why I decided to go ahead and file this contempt charge.  BM knew what was expected of her per the court order.  I have tried to be flexible and work with her giving her time with our son outside the order and she continues to violate the agreement.  I guess I feel, how many warnings does she need?

[krazyfamily_6]

Thank you Kent.  The examples that you have presented pretty much sum up what I have been telling him lately.  

I dont' like to involve him in these matters however I hate to see him so torn up over all of this.

I have told him that I don't make the rules, the judge does.  And while I like to compromise with his mother and let him spend as much time with her as possible, his mom is a parent as well and has the same responsibilities as I do.  

It's been a long road so far.  My son has been in counseling for over a year to help deal with these types of issues.  Counseling has been put on hold for a bit due to his counselor taking an extended leave, but his case has been left open for a new counselor to take over.  BM refuses to participate in the counseling and insists she is doing nothing wrong.  

Bm insists that by my sending her our son's schedules, that I am trying to control her and what she does with our son.  I only send her the schedules so she is aware of what is going on in his life.  BM only practices the visitation rights that are convienent for her.  She takes him EOW and one extra weekend a month, however it is usually her parents who pick him up and he stays with them.  She does not practice her mid week visit, does not practice her summer visitation and does not call him in between visits. She does not attend or participate in any activities that our son is involved in either.  She doesn't go to school functions or parent teacher conferences.  She will call me to ask whether or not it's her weekend even though I send her a schedule every month.  I'm tired of feeling like I have to parent her as well.  I do what is expected of me per the court order and then some.  Why can't she at least KNOW what is going on when she has the same copies of information as I do?

Ok, rambling.  Just annoyed here at this situation and needed to vent for a moment.

[mistoffolees]

I think I'd be very careful. It's not clear to me that there's any grounds for a contempt charge. The agreement says that ex gets EOW plus an additional weekend per month. The additional weekend is predicated on child attending activities, but as I read it, there's no obligation for ex to make child attend activities at other times.

You gave ex additional time not covered by the agreement. Seems to me that unless ex agreed in writing to taking child to those activities, that there's no legal obligation to do so.

I would treat it as a lesson to be learned rather than starting a battle over it - a battle which it's not clear you're going to win. Next time, don't allow the extra time if the activities are more important to the child than being with his mother.

As for the support, if the arrears are high enough, it might be worth it, but since you're calling it a 'meager' amount and since BM is now paying it, I think you're asking for trouble with little to gain.

Pick your battles. I don't see these as being worth fighting.

In my non-legal opinion.

[krazyfamily_6]

nm

[krazyfamily_6]

>I think I'd be very careful. It's not clear to me that
>there's any grounds for a contempt charge. The agreement says
>that ex gets EOW plus an additional weekend per month. The
>additional weekend is predicated on child attending
>activities, but as I read it, there's no obligation for ex to
>make child attend activities at other times.
>
>You gave ex additional time not covered by the agreement.
>Seems to me that unless ex agreed in writing to taking child
>to those activities, that there's no legal obligation to do
>so.

This is another quote from our court order.....

"Child(ren)'s Activities.  Scheduled periods of parenting time shall not be delayed or denied because a child has other activities (with friends, work, lessons, sports, etc.).  It is the responsibility of the parents to discuss extra-curricular activities of the child(ren) in advance, including time, dates and transportation needs, so that the child(ren) is not deprived of activities and maintaining friends.  Each parent shall provide the other with copies of any written material (i.e. activity schedules, maps, instructions) that are distributed in connection with the child(ren)'s activities. The parent who has the child(ren) during the time of schedule activities is responsible for transportation, attendance and/or other arrangements.  Both parents are encouraged to attend all their child(ren)'s activities. "



>
>I would treat it as a lesson to be learned rather than
>starting a battle over it - a battle which it's not clear
>you're going to win. Next time, don't allow the extra time if
>the activities are more important to the child than being with
>his mother.


I never said it wasn't important.  She is a parent also and has a responsibility to parent him and do what a parent should do.  Part of this is making sure he is present for his activities.


>
>As for the support, if the arrears are high enough, it might
>be worth it, but since you're calling it a 'meager' amount and
>since BM is now paying it, I think you're asking for trouble
>with little to gain.




All I said was that she was playing the blame game here.  Promising our son she would take him somewhere and then saying she didn't have enough money because she has to pay child support.  She is telling him it's my fault that her car got repoed.


>
>

[mistoffolees]

>>I think I'd be very careful. It's not clear to me that
>>there's any grounds for a contempt charge. The agreement
>says
>>that ex gets EOW plus an additional weekend per month. The
>>additional weekend is predicated on child attending
>>activities, but as I read it, there's no obligation for ex
>to
>>make child attend activities at other times.
>>
>>You gave ex additional time not covered by the agreement.
>>Seems to me that unless ex agreed in writing to taking child
>>to those activities, that there's no legal obligation to do
>>so.
>
>This is another quote from our court order.....
>
>"Child(ren)'s Activities.  Scheduled periods of parenting time
>shall not be delayed or denied because a child has other
>activities (with friends, work, lessons, sports, etc.).  It is
>the responsibility of the parents to discuss extra-curricular
>activities of the child(ren) in advance, including time, dates
>and transportation needs, so that the child(ren) is not
>deprived of activities and maintaining friends.  Each parent
>shall provide the other with copies of any written material
>(i.e. activity schedules, maps, instructions) that are
>distributed in connection with the child(ren)'s activities.
>The parent who has the child(ren) during the time of schedule
>activities is responsible for transportation, attendance
>and/or other arrangements.  Both parents are encouraged to
>attend all their child(ren)'s activities. "
>
>

Then you're going to lose. Re-read the first sentence. The court has EXPLICITLY stated that visitation takes preference over activities. The fact that they encourage the activities later doesn't change that. The order says you can't place visitation over activities.

>
>>
>>I would treat it as a lesson to be learned rather than
>>starting a battle over it - a battle which it's not clear
>>you're going to win. Next time, don't allow the extra time
>if
>>the activities are more important to the child than being
>with
>>his mother.
>
>
>I never said it wasn't important.  She is a parent also and
>has a responsibility to parent him and do what a parent should

Sorry, but that's subject to interpretation. Her view of 'what a parent should do' is obviously different than yours. You have no right to force her to do things your way or to value the same things you do.

Some parents are explicitly against extracurricular activities because they value time with their kids and school work as being more important. You won't win that argument.

>do.  Part of this is making sure he is present for his
>activities.

According to the court order, you can't do that. The order specifically states that visitation comes first. It also says that you have to discuss activities, but does not require attendance at any particular activity. It says that if the child DOES attend an activity that the parent the child is with provides transportation and attendance. The flaw is that it does not mandate specific activities and she can simply say that you had never agreed on those activities.

This is akin to the (common, unfortunately) wording in agreements saying that 'reasonable visitation' will be allowed. If the parents can't agree on what's reasonable, neither side can prove that the other side is unreasonable. I see this the same way.

>
>
>>
>>As for the support, if the arrears are high enough, it might
>>be worth it, but since you're calling it a 'meager' amount
>and
>>since BM is now paying it, I think you're asking for trouble
>>with little to gain.
>
>
>
>
>All I said was that she was playing the blame game here.
>Promising our son she would take him somewhere and then saying
>she didn't have enough money because she has to pay child
>support.  She is telling him it's my fault that her car got
>repoed.
>

I agree that this is inappropriate and a sign of very poor parenting. However:
1. You can't make the other person be a good parent. It's just not possible.
2. If they say something that's factually correct, you can correct it. I don't see that you are in a position to consider this factually incorrect. Maybe she DID send you the money that she was going to use for the park.

Yes, it's wrong to get the kid's hopes up and then disappoint him, but that's not your problem. It's your job to provide the best home YOU can without stabbing the other person in the back. If they want to play games, you should stay above that and ignore it except when there's an obvious factual issue to correct.  Kids eventually figure out which parent to trust, but your putting down someone they love won't help.

[jilly]

"Child(ren)'s Activities. Scheduled periods of parenting time shall not be delayed or denied because a child has other activities (with friends, work, lessons, sports, etc.). It is the responsibility of the parents to discuss extra-curricular activities of the child(ren) in advance, including time, dates and transportation needs, so that the child(ren) is not deprived of activities and maintaining friends. Each parent shall provide the other with copies of any written material (i.e. activity schedules, maps, instructions) that are distributed in connection with the child(ren)'s activities. The parent who has the child(ren) during the time of schedule activities is responsible for transportation, attendance and/or other arrangements. Both parents are encouraged to attend all their child(ren)'s activities. "


Mist I think you need to re-read it.  You're not reading it correctly.

The order doesn't say that parenting time takes precedence over extracurricular activities.  It's saying that one parent can't say they'll be dropping the child off at a later time or the child can't come on the designated weekend because of extracurricular activities.

For example, there's a scheduled football game on Friday night at 7:00 and it's the BM's weekend to have the child.  Dad can't tell BM that because of the football game she's going to have to 1) wait until after the game to pick up child or 2) she can pick child up early on Saturday morning.  Or, say the football game is an away game and it's BM's weekend.  Dad can't tell BM that she can't have child for the weekend because of the away game.

None of this paragraph is open to interpretation.  It's pretty clear what each parent is to do. Each parent provides a schedule and whoever has the child during a scheduled extracurricular activity is responsible for getting the child there.

His attorney has already said he can file contempt charges so the attorney at least thinks he's got a shot at winning.  Of course, we all know the judge can do anything he/she wants, but, if the judge knows the BM has a pattern of doing stuff like this he/she just may lay the smack down on the BM.