Single dad looking for advice

[jzurinsky]

Hi, my x had our son almost 3 months ago. Just found out today that the DNA test was 99.99%. We were together from Jan 07 til Aug 07 then she moved out of my house. I was in a sever motorcycle accident in May07 and have temp. disabled left arm. She never called me when she had our son (like she said) and I had to find out 4 days later thru a mutual friend. I had seen him 3 - 4 days a week until Dec 29th. She had changed her mind I guess on letting me see him. So I filed a paternity/custody/cs suit. Once she got a lawyer she had started letting me see him but only at her parents home (which is where she lives). Our first court date was about a month ago and the referee gave me temp visitation as follows: EOW fri @5 til mond @ 8. and WE wed @8 til thurs @ 8. Of course she appealed this. She is saying that 1)I am disabled so I can not have him (per court...doctor says I can physically) 2) my arm is like this bc I was racing my motorcycle 100 mph and crashed (no evidence...not even in the police report) 3) my father is a chiropractor 4) I hit her while she was pregnant (no evidence; no witnesses; never happened 5) my neighborhood has vacant homes so it is dangerous. So now we got back (with a Denovo hearing) and see what else she has to say. I am currently under "supervised" visits (with mother) and it is getting very hard. My x just won't let me be. She is constantly talking about getting back together. I don't want that but I don't want to be mean either. I feel this time with my son should be my time so I ask her to leave the room (per court). So I guess my question here is what are my chances of the court leaving the referees recommendation to the same? And how much longer or how many times can she appeal? She actually told me that the only reason why she won't let me take him is because she (mother) is not ready. I am at witts end with her. I have to give her 24 hr notice when I want to see him but she is consistantly changing times and days. I've seen him everyday since court except 4 two days when she had other things to do after making the arrangements with me she called and changed her mind.

[wendl]

When you go back to court if they feel you still need supervison with your child ask for a 3rd party to supervise the visitation.

I know my ex has supervised visitation for way other reason and I asked if his parents or sister could supervise the visits (that why my would feel comfortable in his surroundings as it was at his parents house )and I trusted them to make sure nothing happened.

Most cities have a center that could possibly supervise the visit that why you would not need to be around the mom during your time.

Document EVERYTHING, document everytime the child is with you and make notes of what happened during that time, document when you call and the conversation and so on.

Take an infant cpr and parenting class (will help in the long run and looks good on paper).

This happens a lot to men, sorry to say.

Keep your chin up and continue to fight for your childs right to have him involved with his father.


**These are my opinions, they are not legal advice**

[jzurinsky]

I have been documenting everything. Especially the times she says I can see him but then calls me and says she changed her mind. Also on Tuesday I will be requesting a 3rd party supervisor if there is a need. My mother doesn't work and is willing to take on that responsibility. Thanks

[jzurinsky]

Some more advice needed....my x just called and wants me to spend the night w/her at her parents so I can (show) take care of our son. She is also wanted to talk about getting back together. My attorney says I shouldn't be friends with her until this is all done with. I am not wanting to spend the night bc I think she is either 1) trying to see if I really can take care of him or/& 2) is becoming scared that I will get my visitation. What do you think?

[gemini3]

You should not have to spend the night with your ex to see your son.  That's ridiculous.

Your ex is using your child as a pawn, and using him to manipulate you to get what she wants.  This does not bode well for the future, or for your son.  You need to document this, and all of the other times she uses your child to get what she wants.  When I say document, I don't mean just writing it down - I mean printing out copies of the e-mails she's sending you, recording your phone conversations (if that's legal in your state) etc.

You need to hold fast and firm to your RIGHT to be a father to your child without interference from his mentally unstable mother.

[jzurinsky]

I have been recording all conversations with her. My attorney said from the beginning to do this. It is not illegal. I do document everything. I even save my textes on my phone and are waiting to receive print outs from my phone company. She has been trying to get back with me since our son was born but yet continues to try to manipulate the situation and control everything. I have gotten good advice to just let her to continue to act like this and it will come back to haunt her. All I want is what is fair for my son. He is entitled to have his father in his life. I don't know if she is trying to really get back with me or just trying to get me to stop the proceedings. I am the one who had to file and I won't stop until my son is able to be with me without having to abide by everything she says and wants.She also uses him when it comes for me to want to spend more time with him and it is not convenient at her parents home. She will only come to my home if my parents don't show up. I do live by myself but my parents have only seen him 4 times since he was born. I know they don't have any legal rights here in Michigan but if she wants to have a relationship with me my parents are part of me. My parents don't push it they are just waiting for my visitation to come through and then they will most definitely have their time with their grandson. So we go to court for a Denovo hearing on Tuesday. I am anxious to see what she is going to say this time. The only thing different in her appeal papers was that my neighborhood is dangerous because there are vacant homes there(from her response to my suit). So hopefully the judge will see this as ridiculous as I do and let her know. Wish me luck!

[wendl]

Do NOT spend the night at her house, that would just be setting you up for something horrible. She could cry wolf and call the cops for domestic voilence and you could go to jail (even if allegations are false)  or worse.

Just warning you again DO NOT stay at her home.

Keep focusing on your child. In court do not down talk mom, don't interupt judge just keep to the facts and your child.

[jzurinsky]

Had court yesterday. What a joke. Went from EOW fri @ 5 til Mon 8 a.m. and EW wed @5 til thurs @8am. This was recommended by the referee for temp. parenting time and the X appealed with a Denovo hearing and the judge said our 3 mo old son is too young to be away from his mother overnight. So EW 4 hrs unsupervised and mondays and wednesdays with no specific time. Just have to give her 24hr notice. Had nothing to do with my disability (as the X was saying) but because I don't have a womb and didn't carry my son for 9 months!!!! So now I am trying to deal with her and her mother. I gave her 24hr notice to pick him up today. She didn't want me to take him because she wanted to inspect the carseat. I told her no and I would be there tomorrow. Went to the house and the X is at work and her mother refused to give me my son because I didn't take the carseat in with me. I called my attorney and he told me she can't refuse. I left and went to the car and then decided she doesn't have that right so I went in the house and took him. I am now trying to sit down with my X and try to figure out a schedule but I don't think it will go well.

So my question is...how do I establish time with my child if she refuses any other then what the court ordered. I know she doesn't have to let me see him but I also know that if I don't see him more than say 20hrs a week then the FOC may not recommend any more time? Please Help!

[gemini3]

First, I understand why you're upset - BUT you acted rashly by going in and taking your son, and that's not going to work in your favor.  He is a child, a human being, and you guys are fighting over him like he's a piece of furniture.  Just because he can't talk doesn't mean he's not affected by these things, and now your ex would have good reason to go and ask for supervised visitation.  You need to cool down if you want a chance.

You didn't do anything to show the court that you can properly care for a 3 month old child.  You proved yourself to be hot headed and selfish, and to treat your child like a possesion instead of a person.

[Fran]

To offer a different view, I don't think you did the wrong thing or acted rashly by taking your son when you were supposed to.  The danger in NOT taking him would be that X's mother could lie and say you never even showed up.

You have as much right to parent your son as X does.  More importantly, your son has a right to be with both parents in spite of what some bureaucrat decides.

I also don't think it's a bad idea to stay overnight at X's house if you're invited.  Of course she could be setting you up, but so what?  If she wants to lie and make false allegations she could anyway.  Your lawyer will advise against it because if something bad goes down and he didn't advise against it, he could be sued for malpractice.

Plus, staying overnight will negate what is often a women's most compelling argument -that the two of you just can't get along.

Fran