Has anyone ever had to totally walk away from thier kids?

[babyfat]

The fighting and the damage done to the kid is so bad and has been tied up in both family court and the juv circut court for 2 1/2 years and no end is really in sight and the kid is 9. There have been a laundry list of accusations from dv to child abuse all this time and they get increasingly worse each time with the child thrown in the middle which cannot be good for the child.
So the Dad is getting ready to basically walk away from visits pay his cs and wait for the kid to come back one day on her own. People that know dad and the ex wife are saying he is doing the best thing in an awful situation and although it may be true I (the s/o) see that this is tearing him appart and I'm afraid it might be a mistake. My job here is just to support his decision and I've seen what he has been through. I'm wondering if anybody else had to throw in the towel for sanity sake of everyone do you regret it? Would you do it over again? What is the best advise you can give. What else can be done when things get this bad?

[4honor]

My parents divorced in 1982. I was 16. I knew better, but the alienation, and the day to day renewal of the loyalty tests...it was too much for me. I had to listen to my mother talk about all the illegal, immoral and psychotic things she wanted to do to my father and "his whore" -- also known as my step mother -- day after day. sometimes for hours at a time. I stopped her suicide attempts and I shielded my younger siblings as much as I knew how to do.

My father stood his ground and never gave any ground, but he never went on the offensive and "saved" me from her insanity. I was left feeling that as a nice guy, he was an ineffective little man. A girl's first hero is her father. If he treats her like his child who needs love and discipline as well as a princess who deserves to be treated well, she will grow up thinking that she should chose a mate who loves her, will stand up to her, will treat her well and will come to her aid when needed... instead of running after less worthy mates.

My father didn't know what I and my siblings went through until about 3 years ago. (24 years is a long time to hold a misconception.) I felt like he couldn't or wouldn't save me. NO amount of court could have been worse than the day to day surviving in my mother's care.

Please ask him to consider not only the current damage that court and accusations are causing to himself and his child, but the long term ramifications. The damage does not stop just because the target is extracted from the equation. The child, who is half the other parent, then becomes the target.

I was controlled by my mother's physical abuse of my siblings... I was too old to spank (kick, hit, spit on, etc) but they weren't. If I refused to tow the line, then my mother took it out on them after she effectively extracted my father from the equation.

It is a risk and a gamble either way, but I think he needs to talk to more people who have been through this same fire before taking the suggestion of family who just want to see everyone stop hurting. They don't understand that people can be just plain evil and it will not stop when the primary target is no longer an option.

PLEASE listen to a few more people who have been there before you make a decision.

Oh, by the way, he needs to ask that BM be prosecuted for making a false report.

[babyfat]

Thanks for your story. There is only one child in question a 9 year old. The mother is not physically abusive unless you consider the fact that in the two years she had her she has gained 65lbs taking her up to 197 and we were working on getting her excercise and proper food and she was doing well. She now has a number of medical problems related to the obesity.
The mother is overly lax in her parenting hence why the kid went along with all the stories mom tells her to say to the social workers and therapist. Every time she tells a tale of abuse she gets something new. I think the kid plays the mom for sympathy as well and she might actually at some times mean well she is just dumber than a pile of doggie do-do. Actually in all this I am not sure how much is mom and how much is the kids doing.
On the other hand I have 4 kids (from my first marriage) and we have one child together. The 4 older kids have been subject to these cps cases and we don't want our five (I say our cause my first husband died and he treats the others like his own flesh and blood) to end up being pulled into the system due to this child and her mother pulling crap basically for attention. If he is removed from the situation yes the child will have to listen to trash talk about her dad, yes there will still be drama but not as much.
It really pains me to see a man who is such a good father be cut out of his childs life but he sees no other option for the good of ALL the kids. I have been the one who has pushed him this far and just these last few months has he been getting supervised visits with her consistantly. But the crap is still going on just the supervisor can now say no didn't happen. And yes many times she had to.

[tigger]

My birth mother regrets it.  My brother was 7 and I was 4 when the divorce was final.  I don't remember visitations but I'm told she had them for a while.  I think I was probably 7 or 8 when she dropped out for good.  My dad made sure I maintained a relationship with her parents (lived in the same town as his parents so it was easy to do).  I don't think my stepmom liked it much but what was she going to do?  

When I turned 18, BM took my brother (then 21) and I out to eat.  I didn't care much for it and let my feelings be known.  My brother kicked me under the table numerous times.  She stepped away again.  Came back after I had my first child and my aunt (her sister) came to help me and visited with her before going back home.  Drifted out again.  Came back when I had my second child.  She's been back since then and it's okay but there's no real bond there.

She's told me a number of times that if she had to do it all over again, she'd take me with her.  Not sure why she'd take me and not my brother but it's what she has said.

[dad2tk]

I, too, was the kid. My father moved 1500 miles away and could only be bothered to visit about once every 5 years because he made a new life AND a new family in Wyoming. He wrote occasionally to send us pictures of his cherished new family, which made us feel even less important. My mom wasn't the only one who had children by him, then had them abandoned. He fathered 5 children in all and only ended up raising one biological and one stepchild. I don't think it is coincidental that all 4 of his daughters have had numerous failed marriages with men who were emotionally unavailable at the least and oftentimes abusive as well.
I called him when I was about 9 years old to ask if I could come to WY to live because I was being emotionally, physically and sexually abused. He couldn't be bothered because he had his hands full with his "other family". To this day he still refuses to accept responsibility for the anguish he caused all his abandoned children. I no longer have any desire for any interaction with him. I haven't spoken to him in 4 years. On the other hand, his "other family" has now abandoned him and he has worked feverishly to build a relationship with his previously forgotten kids. After all, he is getting old and will need someone to care for him like he DIDN'T care for them.
  My husband's children are now being abused by their mother. I am "only the SM" and have no legal means to protect him and "nice guy dad" WON'T stand up to the woman who emotionally abused him for 16 years. I am heartbroken and sick over it because I know those children will never forgive him OR me for allowing these things to happen. All I could do was call child welfare and even then their BM is such a sociopath she convinced the worker that the kids were lying and told the kids that if they left she would commit suicide. I believe that the choice shouldn't be left with the kids, but with their father. That way there is no guilt on their part; they can blame it on us.
  PLEASE, PLEASE reconsider walking away. The child may be devious, but look who she's learning from. My stepson is just like his mother, but that doesn't mean he doesn't deserve a fighting chance. Get a court order for counseling for all three of them and insist that the child be seen alone so she won't be afraid to tell the truth. That is where I am trying to get my husband to go now. He finally convinced the therapist to see his son alone and his mother IMMEDIATELY stopped taking him. That's a s good as an admission of guilt right there.

[Sherry1]

When my youngest son was 13, he chose to move several states away from me with his dad.  My son told me if I ever made his dad mad again, he would never talk to me ever again. I could have fought my ex in court, but I would have alienated my son.  I let him go.  I didn't see him for 3 years, but I called him a lot & sent him cards and notes through the mail.  We *never* talked about his dad.  

When my son turned 17 he came back to me.  Started visiting.  He now only lives in a neighboring state, so I see him often.  He was just in town last weekend.

It was the hardest thing I ever did, but probably the best thing I ever did.

[drew5111]

He can not walk away from any child!I know that he has gone through hell and beyond with this and it will take a very long time to work it out. but in the end the child always knows what happened and who was not there for them.It is going to be a long hard road for him and the child,but how do you walk away from probably the best thing in his life!only a worthless person would walk away from their child.I have two children that i am fighting for ,and they are going through it for the second time .they are 8 and 9 and were always my little girls.there mother has them now and is eledging abuse to make the courts keep them from me.it will get worse as it did the first time she did this.stay strong any fight for your baby and the rewards will come in the end when your child kows how much you love them to put yourself through such pain for them.Be there for them never talk bad about the mother to them.and show them all the love you can, and that is what they will always remember.

[Fueledbyjava]

I am just in the beginning stages of fighting for my daughter. I was told by everyone to forget about it, that the woman always gets the child, don't waste your time or money. For a while I believed them but then I  realized that time with your child has no cash value and that no amount of money saved could equal what I would be giving up. Children deserve the best possible life they can be given and that is worth fighting with everything you have. Remember kids spell love T-I-M-E.