Mother wants to give up costody - what to do?

[Davy]

Your daughter is currently acting out in accordance with her environment and negative role modeling.  Once she begins to stabilize in a more loving environment you might be surprised of her balancing act.  

The WORST thing you can do for her, your son, yourself and another mother if there is one is to allow HER mother to take a foothold or thriving influence in your home WHATSOEVER.  Set the rules and guidelines and make certain it is permanent (until you choose otherwise).

[Kitty C.]

What I said was you DO have EQUAL responsibility to ALL your children.

JMO, but the decision itself would be easy.  Implementing it and seeing it thru is the hard part, but whoever said parenting was easy?  Yes, I COULD easily allow MY child into my home, even tho another one of MY children 'might' be negatively impacted by it.  You canNOT protect your son forever and this is a bump in the road of life that YOU have responsibility to take care of.  Believe it or not, but it ALREADY is impacting your son.  He may not be able to voice it, but he can certainly sense it in some way. He KNOWS that there's something going on, if it is affecting you in any way.

Start the counseling NOW.  Go first, to get your head on straight and get your priorities straight, because they ARE equal between your daughter and your son.  NEITHER is a higher priority than the other.  Once you have that figured out, and seek the help you need to see this thru, the rest will follow.

Will it be tough?  You bet.  Will there be yelling and screaming, something that maybe your son has never had to experience?  Maybe.  But that's what the counseling is for, to help ALL of you cope with it and work thru it.  Bottom line:  All of your children need you and are counting on YOU.  Sometimes we have to do things that may appear negative at first, but if your end goal is a positive one, then WORK THRU IT.

[Davy]

Oak...it was my experience that my youngest son LEARNED and GAINED substantially from observing his older brother and sister gross misbehaviors and moreover how Dad stood steadfast providing love and structure through it all.   Ten years is a long time but I think the more important issue is that she is 12 probably going on 19 and NEEDS her Dad's firmness and love now more than ever before.

Just trying to help.  Best to ya !!!

[nosonew]

I have one thing to say, okay maybe two or three...here goes...

1.  My husband had to fight for years to just see his son (even with a court order) and his biggest arguement to counselors, mediators, court, etc. "I don't want to wait until he is too old and is too unruly and defiant for me to do anything with him!!!  I believe this is where this man is.  BM probably didn't let dad see him enough, let her do anything and everything, and NOW dad has to straighten her out?  Yes, she is his responsibility, but I see his point.

2.  For your daughters sake, please give it a try.  It's apparent "something" is going on in this girls life that is causing some major disruption to her thinking process (although, it could be learned behavior over years).

3.  Immediately upon getting her, take her to a GOOD counselor for her to vent to.  

4.  Set firm, solid, explicit rules and make her follow them.  

5.  Don't give up unless you're afraid she's going to set your house on fire.

Good luck.  Nosonew

[wendl]

ALL your children need you NOT just your son.  Your son is young and can adapt, you should be thinking of how to help your daughter,  she is at a confusing stage and how would you feel if your mom and dad didnt want you, probably like hell.

I would file for custody of her, then get her in counseling, then after she has been with you fight for custody of the other kids as well.

JMO

[StPaulieGirl]

I've read through all the replies, before I added my reply.  

Your first duty is to protect your innocent son.  A person's personality and behavior, is usually set by the time they're 7 yrs old.  I don't know what to tell you to do.  Of course you love your daughter, but if she's a juvenile delinquent, perhaps a better place for her would be a group home.  I'm having problems with my 16 yr old son. I've been told to dump him at his dad's house and let him deal with him, like a sack of trash.  If I do that, I know that my son will get cigarettes, beer, weed, and porno.  When he ends up in jail, it will be my fault.  Heck it will always be my fault, because he probably will end up in jail, no matter who he lives with.

My concern is for my youngest, who is 9.  She doesn't need to see me yelling at her brother for stealing my cigarettes, any liquor I may have in the house, or money out of my wallet. Oh did I mention that he is mean to her and her friends?  Remember, if you give your kid the beating he/she deserves....it's child abuse.  "Time out" doesn't work for older kids.  Grounding is a joke.

Your daughter could end up ruining your marriage.  Seek counseling for yourself before you make a decision. I love my son as much as you love your daughter, but you have equally important family members to consider.  

[oaken_shield]

I have decided yesterday that I would do this for my daughters sake.

I had a long look deep inside myself and realized that my family is strong enough to withstand and I have to do this for my daughter.

I have not called her mother yet (it was late last night when I got off work) but have promised to call her by this evening.

I thank all of you for the opinions and views.  While it frustrated me at times, most of you have a very good way of expressing your opinions and have certainly helped me to make the decision.

Very excited to spend long lost time with at least one of my daughters, and kinf of scared for the future and the hard work we will all need to apply.

Look for updates and more questions coming soon!

[Kitty C.]

I, and others, have recommended counseling to help you, your daughter, and the rest of your family to help you thru this transition period.  I STRONGLY recommend it.

I have a SS whose 'mother' doesn't really want him (but does a good job of 'acting' like it) but CERTAINLY doesn't want his father to have him, either.  She'd lose out on $400+/month CS.  He is 9 years old and has been asking for TWO years how long it will be till he can ask the judge who he wants to live with.

His mother doesn't give a damn about him and only sees him as a 'tool' to use against her ex, whom she perceives hurt her SO bad with their marriage and divorce, she wants HIM to hurt as badly, thus using the child as a means to an end.  In the process, this child's life is distorted and he can't really trust anyone.

I've told DH that it's obvious where this is going.  SS is already showing signs of behavioral problems in school.  Once he hits middle school and puberty, all hell will break loose.  Eventually, the problems he's causing for the PBFH will outweigh the CS and she will BEG DH to take him.

I've told DH that he may think that it's over when that happens, but the BIG problems will be just beginning.  Once we do get him, he will be a very confused, angry young man, and NOT understand why.  He will not be able to trust anyone close to him and will lash out.  I've told DH that he will need therapy and counseling to work thru all the garbage heaped on him for so many years, and WE will need counseling just to learn how to deal with it.

DH comes from a family that believes in taking care of their own problems, whether they know how or not.  To 'ask for help' is a sign of weakness to them.  But DH realizes that SS's life, AND ours, could literally be destroyed if we don't do this right.

And you know what the REAL kicker is to all this?  We live in a VERY small community (<2500) and TWO BLOCKS away from SS, but ONLY see him 4 days a month.  Why?  Because that is the MINIMUM the court ruled on, so it is the MAXIMUM the PBFH will allow, unless it suits her needs.  And if we try to participate in ANY of SS's activities, other than school, she explodes.

Make a counseling appt. TODAY.  Prepare in EVERY way you can for this transition.  A good counselor can even help you work thru getting all the custody change issues worked thru with your ex.  Maybe even getting your other daughter as well, who knows.  I also recommend having your daughter seen by a child psychologist, the more specialized, the better.

Good luck and PLEASE let us know how it is going with you and your family!!!!!!!!   :)

[StPaulieGirl]

You have a strong bond with your daughter.  I can't blame you for your decision.  Get counseling in place before she moves in.  Please.  Good luck and let us know how it's going :-)

(((big hugs for you and your family)))

[Indigo Mom]

I know you can do it.  It's going to be tough, but you and your child will pull through and then...smmmooooooth sailin!!!!!

I urge you to get this legal asap!