What to do with this mess???

[stargzr56]

My husband and I have been together for 7 years and have been batteling the ex wife from ----. Our current situation is that we have the children the entire school year and she has them in the summer but we also get every other weekend, as she does now, and we also have 21 days of summer for vacation time with them, plus two dinner nights a week. My question is this, we are scheduled to go back to court this summer as the court only orderded this schedule for two years and then it would be re-evaluated. The two years is almost up. According to all that we are reading from this wonderful site of information it is telling us to include the ex and create a relationship with both parents, but what if the other parent is not good for the children? The ex is extremely narccisistic, manipulative and emotionally abusive to the children with guilt trips about "poor mommy" and all mommy wants is is..... and tell the court that when we go back, and on and on and on. Everything is about her, what she wants. These 4 boys are a mess already they are 8, 10, 13 and 16 and the 16 year old is struggling with narccisim along with the regular 16 year old stuff. We have the children in therapy right now trying to undo years of emotional abuse, manipulation and divorce issues.
What if the other parents decison skills are lacking good judgement and we as parents are concerned about the vast differences in our houselholds that creates extreme problems for the children as they live one way here and one way there, total freedom and no dicipline? Does any one have any suggestions or have been in similar situations that you could share with us? We would appreciate any help and/or comments
Sharing God's Spirit
Stargzr56

[nosonew]

One thing every counselor will tell you is this "You can only control what goes on in your house, what you do, and how YOU react to situations!"  It is in EVERY child's best interest to be involved with both parents if they are not physically or sexually abusing them.  You can't do anything about her, because, if you could, this site wouldn't exist!  We are all dealing with the same type of person, and unfortunately, that is how the world works, everyone is different, good and bad.  Sorry, but keep up the same schedule, hang in there, bite your tongue, and be entirely grateful you have them MOST of the time!  Been there, done that.  

[stargzr56]

>One thing every counselor will tell you is this "You can only
>control what goes on in your house, what you do, and how YOU
>react to situations!"  It is in EVERY child's best interest to
>be involved with both parents if they are not physically or
>sexually abusing them.  You can't do anything about her,
>because, if you could, this site wouldn't exist!  We are all
>dealing with the same type of person, and unfortunately, that
>is how the world works, everyone is different, good and bad.
>Sorry, but keep up the same schedule, hang in there, bite your
>tongue, and be entirely grateful you have them MOST of the
>time!  Been there, done that.  



Thank you for your reply, and if you have been there done that then you will understand this I hope. If there are many people out there that face emotional abuse from thier ex, then why do we not all get together and protest! It is this kind of thinking that the courts abide by and that is if they are not "physically" abused then there is no abuse. They are so wrong, they should be in my house and here what these kids go through when she calls or visits or has "her time". Then maybe someone would take notice of how many children are in the counseling system due to this very nature. In medical terms such things as high blood pressure and the like are things that could be considered "preventative" medicine, why then is emotional abuse not considered at all in the court system? And why could this not fall under "preventative" abuse of any kind? It seems to me that the system is so bogged down with divorce and the like that they do not wish to take on the role of protector of these children unless someone is getting the you know what beat out of them. How sad that society only looks at the outside brusies and not the inside because the biggest problems of society stem from emotional abuse more than physical. Well I've said my peace I guess. I just wish that more people felt like me and we could do something about it because biological does not necessarily mean best.

[msme]

What does the childrens counselor have to say about what she is doing? Some of my grandchildren have a very abusive father. Their mother's lawyer brought the kids therapist in & the court put him in charge of the visitation schedule.

They started out with visits at the therapists office & progressed to supervised visits at a facility. He screwed that up & the therapist shut off all contact.


You never get a second chance to make a first impression!

[nosonew]

but unfortunately, I doubt that we will see this change in our lifetime.  When cps is notified of "emotional abuse" they do not look into it as  They have to SEE the signs of abuse loud and clear, the bruises, broken bones, etc.  I understand they are probably understaffed, underbudgeted, and undereducated.  Not to mention that the law can tie their hands as well.  They told us that "the mom being overprotective was not considered abuse", that is what they called sleeping together and bathing together at age 8 (he is a boy), she still tied his shoes, wouldn't let him have friends, continually called him at our home and told him he would die, dad would die, etc., if he didn't come home, etc. etc.  They called all that "overprotectiveness".  

Read my post on Fathers Rights board, titled,  CP's that used to be NCP's...you may find it enlightening, as hopefully in  the future, this will be you as well.

[stargzr56]

>but unfortunately, I doubt that we will see this change in
>our lifetime.  When cps is notified of "emotional abuse" they
>do not look into it as  They have to SEE the signs of abuse
>loud and clear, the bruises, broken bones, etc.  I understand
>they are probably understaffed, underbudgeted, and
>undereducated.  Not to mention that the law can tie their
>hands as well.  They told us that "the mom being
>overprotective was not considered abuse", that is what they
>called sleeping together and bathing together at age 8 (he is
>a boy), she still tied his shoes, wouldn't let him have
>friends, continually called him at our home and told him he
>would die, dad would die, etc., if he didn't come home, etc.
>etc.  They called all that "overprotectiveness".  
>
>Read my post on Fathers Rights board, titled,  CP's that used
>to be NCP's...you may find it enlightening, as hopefully in
>the future, this will be you as well.

Thank you, I will check this out, and good luck to you as well, my heart goes out to you.

[stargzr56]

>What does the childrens counselor have to say about what she
>is doing? Some of my grandchildren have a very abusive father.
>Their mother's lawyer brought the kids therapist in & the
>court put him in charge of the visitation schedule.
>
>They started out with visits at the therapists office &
>progressed to supervised visits at a facility. He screwed that
>up & the therapist shut off all contact.
>
>
>You never get a second chance to make a first impression!

This is so true! the kids counselor thinks that the mother has some serious issues such as borderline personality disorder and is narccisict. We will be taking her with us to court this summer and any other counselor thta will go as well so maybe we can get somebody to listen. The court ordered us to tape conversations with her two yers ago and we have quit doing that now for the past 6 or 7 months, but before that even knowing that she was being taped, the things that are on those tapes, we are hoping to be able to use those as well so who knows, she has been to so many therapists that she knows the lingo and presents herself well in that area, but as soon as the therapist says there is something wrong with her, she quits going so bounces from therapist to therapist, I just wish we could talk to some of them! Anyway, thank you for your reply, good luck with your  grandchildren!


Sharing God's Spirit
Stargzr56

[msme]

Petition the court to put the counselor in charge of all visitation & include a paragraph that says that local law enforcement is to enforce the therapists directions. That's what we had done. It has worked for us, so far.

You never get a second chance to make a first impression!

[rfrankla]

Hi, I too am ending a 6-year marriage. I am here trying to find an attorney specializing in dealings with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) cases.   I only understood this yesterday!  How?

Read: "Stop Walking on Eggshells" By Mason, Paul T. and Kreger, Randi -- ISBN 1-57224-108-X

This spells out the problem(s) and exactly what you need to do.
READ THE BOOK IN PRIVATE FIRST. DO NOT CONFRONT. GET HELP!!!

If your spouse/ex is "crazy", a "Drama Queen (King?)", will lie, cheat, forget events, invent events, argues, changes their mind to suit their needs.....    Get down to the local bookstore or library. Do not underestimate the problem, its real, its very serious. Get help.

Soon after I moved out I had severe depression -- If this is happening to you go see a doctor/psychiatris, get therapy.  I did. I will continue to do so.    

Note: If your spouse was/is always TELLING you to get help to fix problems you DON'T have, stop listening to them. You probably have other problems they are NOT telling you to fix. Confusing isn't it!  --  This, again, is an excellent example of how you know you a dealing with a suspected BPD.

You can it. Don't give up.
And, again, get help.

Rick.

[gmaoftwo]

Some studies now show that emotional abuse is just as harmful as physical or sexual abuse, and the negative effects can last much longer.  The problem is that it is hard for the courts to define (don't ask me why!), and it is difficult to prove in court.

Lawyers, judges, social workers, etc., all need to become better educated about how devastating emotional abuse can be if our children are to be spared.

I wish you luck in court,  we have been wrestling with this issue among others for several years now.  And DO take all the therapists/counselors you can   to persuade the judge.  You might also do some internet research on emotional abuse that you could give your lawyer to bolster your argument.  Also look up your state's definition (statute) of child abuse/neglect.