Writing off your kids?

[ginger90044]

My DH has two teenage children ages 18 & 19.  DH and their BM had a bitter divorce and relationship.  Eventually she was succesful in destroying the relationship between DH and SKids.    

Now BM has relocated to Texas without the kids.  CS and social security disability for the kids ran out and now she's gone.  The kids haven't been in our lives since 1996 after BM filed false charges against DH for staking/harassing/threatening to kill her.  Due to no independent proof the police closed the case.  It never happended!  However, as a result DH stopped all communication with the kids for fear of going to prison(unjustly) if BM continued to pursue false allegations in another way.  DH tried in 1999 and again in 2000 to reunite with them.  At first they agreed to see him.  We picked them up and the very next day SS calls and tells dad we'll see you when we turn 18 then money will no longer be an issue.  We tried again in 2000 but SS cussed dad out and said he and his sister wanted nothing to do with him.  Now that the CS has ended DH offered SD to continue her medical benefits while she's attending college.  She accepted the offer but outlines to him in an e-mail that she and SS have a massive amount of dislike for him.  And while not ruling ever seeing DH again it won't be any  time soon.

Again my DH is reaching out and he continues to get hostility from them.  But they are going by my DH's parents house.  I say leave them alone, move on and let them get through life on their own accord. At this point if they do come arround it will be for financial assistance and not a real relationship.

What advice do you offer?
ginger

[nosonew]

WHY fathers should continue to fight for their kids THROUGH anything and everything.  I doubt that all their animosity towards dad is JUSt from what their mom has said to them (PAS), I would be willing to bet these kids feel some sort of abandonment by dad, and that is truly sad, but is truly the case.  He was obviously afraid of jail, but MOST inncocent people DON'T go to jail (not that there haven't been some), but the courts see that most allegations brought during custody disputes are nothing more than tactics to threaten and wreak havoc on the ncp life.

I strongly suggest your hubby let the girls know that he is sorry he did abandon them, and when they are ready for a real relationship, he will be waiting with open arms.  BM is burning her own bridges with these girls, and they are old enough to figure things out on their own.  I suggest not speaking of bm at all to them.  They don't want to hear it.  If they want his side, they'll ask, eventually.

I am guessing your hubby has been waiting for them to turn 18 for years so they can "resume" the normal dad/daughter relationships, sorry that didn't happen.  Time will heal though, although it is tough now.

[NoNicky]

Warning:  The following is strictly my personal opinion which means it's probably not worth a plug nickle.

At this point I think I would have to tell the both of them that the door will always be open for them but you will not be used strictly as a cash cow.  If they want their dad to give to them (money, insurance, etc), then they have to be willing to offer something in return.  Tell them what you want in return is a chance.  For them to set aside their own dislike they have learned from the behavior of others and spend time with their father getting to know him.  

My fear is that otherwise they will see daddy as the person they can call and emotionally blackmail into helping them while they don't even have to say thank you.  

NoNicky
For God has not given a spirit of fear; but of power and of love and of a sound mind.  1 Peter 1:6

[ginger90044]

I agree with you "most innocent people don't go to jail"  The Detective suspected BM was lying.  However, the fact that she did it was a strong indication she was willing to do whatever to hurt him.  I am not saying I agree with the response he had.  It may have been a little to drastic given they are his children to.  In any event, she's gone for now and hopefully these kids (teenagers) will find in their hearts to get to know dad.

Thanks for the feedback.

[ginger90044]

Your opinion is worth at least a dollar (smile)

You are very discerning and insightful.  Both sides have to give to get.  Simple solution but not easily attained.

Thanks!

[LizaLou1]

You tell it NoNiky!!!!! It's time for them to take a responsiblity for their actions.

Also, IMO, being pushed out is not the same thing as abandonment.  DH kids are in CONSTANT turmoil because BM actively alienates him just for being alive.  She is pretty successful in controling their every thought.  It's beyond sad when it seems your only option to better THIER lives is to stop trying.

Ginger, your husband's forgiving nature speaks well of him.

Best of Luck,

LizaLou

[ginger90044]

Hello LisaLou,

We provided the children with a copy of the three page police report, which outlined their mother's desire to hurt DH.  It appears the kids don't seem to care that their mother willfully lied to the police in the hopes of having their dad arrested.

I think it's time to just move on.  The more DH tries the more they will strike out to hurt him.

Anyway, thank you for responding.

ginger

[nosonew]

Your husband was in a terrible predicament, that many of us face or have faced.  We too, my hubby and I, have been accused of both physical and sexual abuse, and her goal was for dad to give up.  He almost did.  We talked about it for a week straight, then decided together, that WE would be united and fight every false accusation and stay involved in the child's life.  We did, she lost.  Now, this child lives with us.  It has taken a tremendous amount of self-sacrifice, tons of money for attorneys, and lots of emotional roller-coasting to get through it.  And by staying in the picture, the child CHOSE to live with dad.  The courts didn't do it, we did it, by sticking in there, showing him a REAL home, with REAL love.  

I can't say I would honestly do it all over again, even knowing the outcome, but we did it!  And as wife, you hurt because he is hurting.  Just stick with him, love him, listen, understand, be patient, nurturing, and caring.  That will get him through this until those girls grow up enough to realize what "really" happened.  Good luck!

[NoNicky]

"The more DH tries the more they will strike out to hurt him."

That statement is exactly why I said what I did.  These are now grown children.  It is time for them to start acting like adults.  Tell them the door is open if they want a relationship period.  Beyond that, wish them luck and show them the door!

NoNicky
For God has not given a spirit of fear; but of power and of love and of a sound mind.  1 Peter 1:6