change in custody?

[too_short]

Hey all,

I'd like to get some indication of what my chances are for a change in custody.  So please don't try to question the veracity of my statements... how would making false statements here help me?

My son is 8 and I live out of state.  His mother and I broke up when he was two (we both moved to two different states at this time).   He attended preschool and kindergarten at school A and first and present grade at school B.  Both school A and school B have recommended prof. counseling and mother has not responded.  He's highly intelligent but since he's been in school B has been performing average/below average in school.  He also has very serious emotional problems.  Mother is unable to get him to school on time (about 1/4 of the time he's tardy) which only adds to his problems.  Also, mother is about to have another child out of wedlock (a girl).  They live in a 2 bedroom apartment.  All of the above I can establish easily.

Now I have a good, steady job with even better benefits and I just got married and moved into a new house.  I now have a family base (i.e. my spouse's family base), which wasn't the case before.

My biggest fault is I wasn't proactive in the past.  I would have visitation one weekend a month, and occassionally an extra weekend.  My wife has been very encouraging/supportive and so this past August I got increased visitation to every other weekend (his mother resisted).

Also, I was aware of some of the problems at school, but until recently I didn't know how bad it really was -- his teachers would tend to try to put a positive spin on things and his mother never divulges any information.  I'm now in frequent contact with the school.

My wife and I are convinced that the tardies, lackluster performance at school, and the lack of counseling are signs that his mother is unable manage the situation.  And we further believe that that household will be under more pressure with the arrival of the new baby.  We feel its best if we have him, and so we want to go for custody.

[MixedBag]

Nothing that I read would IMHO be supported by the courts as "significant enough" to change custody.

Unfortunately, nothing.  Nada..

[Peanutsdad]

Hoss,

Mixedbag is probably right, BUT.....you can go for it, and request a home study be performed on both parties, including moms apparent lack of ability to ensure your son is healthy, and doing well in school.


Be prepared to spend sigificant bux. I'd say, go for it. The issue that will probably hinge here, is moms failure to provide mental health and ensure that the child is doing well in school.

[MixedBag]

You know how much "they" wanted for a home study for us?

$6000!!!  You read right...

[Indigo Mom]

-----including moms apparent lack of ability to ensure your son is healthy, and doing well in school.-----

Allrighty, there....Vern.  We're gonna fight.  :)

I totally disagree with you saying the "lack of ability" on the mothers part for the child not doing "so" well in school.  Let's use ye olde lil miss as an example.  (only cause I don't have any others...lol)

Anyway, lil miss isn't doing very well in school.  In fact, she recently went to "full day" status just SO she can try to "catch up" with the others.  She's waaaaaaay behind the other children in her class...teacher says she's both "mentally and socially immature".  The class aid is always helping lil miss one on one just TO get her where she "needs" to be...as per school "guidelines" for kindergarten.  Lil miss just ain't "gettin' it".  About 2 weeks ago, (before the full day thing) hub and I discussed holding her back in kindergarten next year...because she's so far behind.  Her "grades" aren't "right"...according to "kindie code"....or whatever the hell they use.  She IS worked with at both home and school...but it ain't "there".  

Should her father be able to petition the courts for custody because I "lack the ability" to get her to do well in school?  I don't think so...

There are a bagillion legitimate reasons for a child to "fall behind".  Lil miss?  She's a year younger than everyone in her class.  She's never been to daycare, preschool, anything.  She has been a stay at home kid her whole life.  She is exactly where she "should" be given all the facts.  

Also, lil miss is a classic Indigo.  They're intelligent as all get out...but these kids are the ones who aren't doing well in school.  Their IQ tests would show them to be "up there"....yet they're failing.  When these children "are" tested for intelligence, people scratch their heads wondering "why" they're failing. Schools are failing the children, not the other way around.  Oh, in case you're wondering?  Lil miss is VERY smart.....

So, given "my" situation with lil miss, if a change in custody is appropriate, then this little girl would flip and flop between her fathers home and mine...legally changing custody all the time...because...she's going to do the same at her fathers school as she does here. (well, since her "father" is a total lump...she probably wouldn't even "make" it to school...but that's another story)

My point...a child not doing "so" well in school shouldn't be considered a change in circumstances...unless there is a THOROUGH investigation into this matter.  "Why" is the child not doing well?  And just "who" is going to do that?

AND...no, I'm not done!  Both schools have recommended "professional counselling"?  I wonder...what "qualifications" they have for this.  "Why" they recommended this. Remember lil miss' 1st school?  They said she was "adhd", they said she needed a full mental health evaluation (to which I responded that the principal himself should go get one), she needed a professional therapist, she needed an intelligence test, a full physical health examination, and all sorts of other "crap"....all because, in her very 1st few days of school...she didn't "understand" the rules.  

Now, I am done....


http://www.indigochild.com/

http://www.metagifted.org/topics/metagifted/indigo/isYourChildAnIndigo.html

[Kitty C.]

Just to add ammo to your arsenal.  Check out the state statutes on truancy where your child lives and also what the school policy is on tardiness.  In the county I live in (in Iowa), the cops will actually go to the home and get the child up, ready and escort them to school.  Get enough of those and the cops will report the parent to CPS/DHS, which is taken much more seriously than a report from a parent.

If you can get the tardiness/truancy on record with the poor school performance and mental health neglect, you might have a shot.  Be prepared to pay thru the nose, especially for evals. and home studies.  But you just might get lucky and get a judge who deems it a significant change of circumstance.  Something else to think about. too:  if you do get in front of a judge or mediator and aren't making any progress (mainly because they don't want to upset the 'status quo'), offer a 'trial' or temp. custody, just to see how the child fairs in your custody.  Then revisit the custody issue in 6 months to a year and then you can show proof just how much better he's doing, and turn the temp. into perm.

[littlebit]

Save your $ for a couple years and get really involved with son's life.  Can't see a judge granting you custody right now unless child is in great danger.

[Peanutsdad]

Ok Indy, lets get with it ;)

I wasnt refering to YOUR situaton here in this thread Indy,, I WAS refering to THIS posters post. In it he states the child is frequently tardy, not doing well in school , that the school has contacted mom about issues and she hasnt addressed them.

With THAT in mind,, yes,, THIS mother APPARENTLY cannot fulfill parental duties to her child as they seem to be indicated. ;)

[Indigo Mom]

Is that something similar to....gettin' jiggy wid it?  Do you think your better half will approve?  I 'm game if you are...lol

Anyway, you goof, less rock!

-----I wasnt refering to YOUR situaton here in this thread Indy,, I WAS refering to THIS posters post. In it he states the child is frequently tardy, not doing well in school , that the school has contacted mom about issues and she hasnt addressed them.-----

DUH...ya doof.  However, instead of using just "any ol" thing to show the other side...I used mine.  'tis all I can do..juno?  (for some weird reason, I feel if I have another side, I should use the actual case...rather than hypothetical) There are kids who fail because they have dork parents...but then there are kids who "fail" because there's about 90 billion other reasons.  A child not doing well in school shouldn't be a change in circumstances...'less it's investigated and proven to be that the parent is a schmuck.

Now...here's what "I" think.  This poster better make DAMN sure he can prove...PROVE...that the mother is a failure.  That the child is failing BECAUSE of her, (and not him living in another state) and that the child really "is" tardy. Cause if he can't prove it...he's going to end up with the poo end of the stick.  

I don't think he's gonna get custody...cause if ya ask me...it's another "new life/new wife" thang....and people in "that" situation tend to, well, pick at every little thing...knowing they haven't done d*ck to help prior to..."new wifey".  Ya know?  I just can't stand reading story after story about a parent not "doing" anything...but when they get remarried they become "super parent" ?  Not...

But then...I couuuuuuld be wrong.  It's been known to happen.....

[too_short]

Your responses were a bit discouraging, but nevertheless honest.  However, I should clarify things a bit more.  I wanted to avoid details to keep things objective, but in doing so I may have understated the problems.  So here we go...

By serious emotional problems (this stuff I didn't know about until recently):
   I mean episodes of hitting students, slapping students,
   kicking students, hitting kids at recess with sticks (hit one in the head)
       looking up classmates blouse, pulling down classmate's pants, etc..  there                                                                              seems to be episodes such as these *documented* every two months -- and so that  serves as a low estimate...

    (this stuff I was aware of, albeit after positive spin by teachers)
   also frequent verbal outbursts in class,  hides under teacher's desk,
   and meltdowns... these type of things occur a few times a week

By highly intelligent:
   top 1%

Now, about the counseling... I didn't give out all the info...
    mother actually pulled a fast one.  she had me believing
    my son had started counseling in the summer.  in fact, i took him there once
    a few weeks before we went to court... that's the last time he
    went... (and he had only two sessions before that)


I have documentation on all the above (including tardies).


I should mentined again that I wasn't very proactive in the past and no doubt I'd get burned on this in the court room.

I should also point out that since I've been more active he has showed some signs of improvement.   His outbursts, meltdowns, etc... are still frequent but not as frequent.  However, I haven't notice any real change to the physical component of his behavior.  I've recently read a few books on troubled kids with
symptoms similar and so I feel I have a better grasp of things. I'm convinced counseling on a regular basis will be of an enormous help.

There's a lot of signs here, but as indigo and others has stressed we don't know the root of the problems
(I just have my suspicions).  So how good are these custodial evaluations?  And what other types of evaluations can be ordered through the court?  The more thorough the better.  I don't want things handled on a superficial level.