Termination of Parental Rights

[chrism93]

My wife left me and my 2 children 8 years ago and now she is filing for divorce and wanting visitation. She has had no contact with us since the time she left. I noticed in this web site that abondoning your child could be grounds of termination and was wondering if this was a hard case to sell. I would rather her not see the kids right now as my son has adhd and had problems when she left when he was 2.

[koko]

Wow, after eight years she arrives back on the scene huh.  That must be terribly terribly difficult.

Yes, abondonment can be used to terminate parental rights, but it probably would have been more effective if you had done it prior to mom's return--while she was still "out there."  I don't know what state you are in or how the courts would view this upon her now arrival.

I am wondering what her motivation is at this point.  Are you afraid that she will eventually want to have a large role in your son's life?  Or do you think that perhaps she wants to make amends in some positive way?

If I were in your shoes I would probably not give two figs what she wanted.  But I say this truly as a child's advocate and as a person who has worked with kids all my life.  Regardless of who their parent is or wht they have done--children seem to have a need to know and be connected to them.  Partly because not knowing leaves room for a lot of fantasies--about how horrible the parent is (which means that they also feel "bad" since they are half of that parent) or how wonderful the parent is (which of course is very false).  In fact, as kids approach the teen years, and identity becomes even more important, the absence of a parent can cause huge issues.  And finally I guess I think a child has the right to know the truth--even when it may be hurtful--because then they can deal with it and not the fantasies.

On the other hand, having said that, I have also seen situations where people came back and actually wanted to disrupt the child's life--thinking they want to make it right and have arrived to do so!  That is why I asked about motivation.  And obviously this would be horrible for your child.  At this point she deserves no contact at all in my opinion--I am just saying that perhaps your son deserves the right to see his mother (who wants to see him) and know something about her--in a very very highly structured and limited way.  That way you are not keeping his mom from him (which in later years he could feel that you did).  Seeing her could actually help him deal with some of the separation issues he experienced at age 2--who knows what he thought--perhaps he has even always felt responsible for her leaving.  But regardless I feel that he has some rights as a child.  believe me when i say I am only speaking of his rights--as I said, I don't think she has any.

If in any way this could be a positive for your son I encourage you to think closely about it and how that might happen.  I have seen crazy things happen as kids went to find their parents when they were teens (and least prepared to deal with what they found), kids who grow up thinking really distorted things about the absent parent. . .

Obivously, you know her, yourself, and your son. . .and what is best for you. . .but I thought I would put this out there for thought.

Koko

[Kitty C.]

Check your state statutes in regards to abandonment, because every state can be different.  Some only require absolutely NO contact or financial support in one year.

But you do have one big hurdle.  Since you aren't even divorced, that means you haven't gotten remarried, and many state will NOT allow a parent's rights and responsibilities be severed unless there is another parent willing to step up and accept that moral and financial responsibility, aka adoption.

But another thing to think about.  Parental 'rights' can be terminated, but not the 'responsibility', meaning they can sever her contact but still force her to pay support.

I strongly recommend a good father's rights atty., many have free initial consultations.  But be prepared to pay dearly in legal fees.

[chrism93]

Reading this makes me think and wanting to share more info. I have a daughter that is 9 and a son that is 10. In the past 8 years she has been gone there has been no attempt to see or help with either child. I live in Florida and she has lived here less than 30 min away for all this time. In the past she had made comments to her sister that she had no children in her mind. Also she came by one time and told me she was filing and she didn't want to see the kids. Also she told her sister that it wasn't her idea about seeing the kids it was her attorneys and if I fouhgt she wouldn't persue this. I in no way want to keep the kids from here but at this time with my sons mental state I don't think it would be beneficial for him to see her. When he and my daughter gets older and can cope with all this. I am not sure on what to do with all this and don't want to hurt my children. I have been told to wait for her to serve me and then talk to an attorney. But if she fights for this I can't see any other alternative.

[chrism93]

Thanks for your response it is a lot to think of.

[nosonew]

Question:  Is she in her right mind?  She must have zero maternal instincts to abandon her child like this or be severely disturbed upstairs. I just can't relate.  I can't go on a vacation with my husband alone, I take my kids, I would miss them too much to leave them behind, even for 2 or 3 days!

Since it isn't her idea to do this, and her attorney is probably like most of us (moms and dads) who can't imagine their life without their children in it, he is just suggesting the "normal" thing to do.  Which obviously isn't what she wants, and knowing that, she is likely to abandon the kids again, which at any age is devastating, but at age 10 and 9, pre-pruberty,  it is probably a worse time.  I hope you get divorced, she doesn't see the kids, and you remarry a wonderful, loving, caring person who can be a "mother-figure" to these kids.  

Good luck and let us know what happens! And if she isn't going to fight you, it won't cost you much either!

[Peanutsdad]

Attempting to sever her rights MIGHT have worked in the preceeding 8 yrs. Now however, she has filed for visitation,, and it is highly unlikely that the court will sever now simply due to her filing and "showing an interest".


If she has not seen nor spoken to the kids in all this time, you do however have a good case to slowly reintroduce the kids and her thru supervised visitation, which would gradually be worked up to standard visitation.

I have to ask, has she paid anything in the way of child support in all this time?

If not, my advise is to file a counter claim for custody and child support.