I need of advice.............. long

[lissa68]

Melissa(lissa68)

Iowa is the state.

I am usually asking advice here for my husband and his custody case. Today it is for me.

Ex and I divorced June 2002. I am NCP, he is CP, as both of us had agreed that the children, aged 11, 12, 14 deserved to stay in the home and school they were in at the time of our divorce. Ex was also financially stable, and I was not. I also did not want the divorce, even though he had an affair. I wanted to stay to work it out, but we divorced anyways.

Children are now 18, 15, and 14. We have had our share of normal teenage problems, and have dealt with those accordingly. Our 18 year old had a bout with drug use last year, we intervened and got him help and he seems to be off of drugs. All though his grades are crap. But he is 18 now, and will graduate in a few weeks.

What I have now is a 14 year old boy, whom is in quite hot water. Not only is he failing 3 core classes and probably will not be sent to 9th grade, as the school will not allow it if 3 or more core classes are being failed, but he has gotten into some trouble at the school and will be seen tomorrow by the Leiasion (sp) Officer and charged with theft.

Heres the scenario, he was let out of class to get a calculator from his locker. While in the hallway he broke into another kids locker and stole a skate board tool. He was confronted and lied, his father and Step-mom found the tool this past weekend while he was with me here on visitation. They are going to charge him with Theft tomorrow. I called the principle, and have set up to be there on the phone as we are 3 1/2 hrs apart and the meeting is at 9 am tomorrow.

I have always tried to make things go as smooth as possible with my ex, as it was our divorce and fighting creates more problems. But I am havibg alot of doubts right now about my choice to agree to him keeping the kids.

Kids normally hate their step-parents, I understand that but have told my kids that they are to respect their step-mom regardless, as she is a part of their lives. But since the beginning, this is how things have been going.

The now 18 yr old, will basically scathe by in graduating, actually, its not even for sure as this past weekend I got 3 failing slips in the mail, that say he is running out of time. He was busted for drugs by a urine test to join the army, that is how we found out he was using. I had told my ex 8 months previous to that, and he basically told me I was trying to cause trouble, and was crazy.

The 16 year old is doing fairly well although her grades have taken a dip also, as she is usually an A-B student is now pulling C-D+ grades, but I assume its because this is her first year as a high school student. Other than that no problems with her.

The 14 year old is failing in school, is now being chrged with theft, and I was told by his principle this morning that he has gotten off quite easy on a few other things he should have gotten in major trouble for. Basically his attitude sucks, he is going down a very dangerous road, almost like his older brother did.

Since custody has been in effect for 4 years basically, and the ex has promised me a fight to the death if I try to fight him, I believe that my kids should come first. Kids talk and play games between parents I know that, but my kids tell me that dad does not spend time with them, that they are put in second because of the child he has with his new wife, and from their grades and what their pulling off I am tending to believe them.

So, I need some sound advice on what I should do. I am unsure of what steps I should take and yes, because of this I know I may be in for a fight.

I would just like some opinions on what others feel I should do.

Thanks,

Melissa (Lissa68)

[Kitty C.]

Just about 250 miles southeast of you..........

If at all possible, go to the school and talk to the principal, guidance counselor, and anyone else involved in your son's education.  Here in Iowa, we have AEA's (Area Education Agencies) at our disposal to assist with problems such as this.  It was thru Grant Wood AEA that DS was initially diagnosed with ADHD, by a full professional team including an MD, psychiatrist, psychologist, and other learning professionals.  Maybe with assistance, the guidance counselor can make a recommendation to have the psychologist associated with your AEA come to interview him and see what's going on.  They can also make recommendations to outside professionals if need be.

And before you panic, it's ALL free thru the AEA!  That's what we pay our taxes for!  When they diagnosed DS, we spent the ENTIRE day at their main office in CR and the poor kid was picked over with a fine tooth comb, inside and out.  And I never paid a dime for any of it.  They also have resources for parents, as well.

My line of reasoning with this is MAYBE you can, in a roundabout way, get your son seen by an objective 3rd party who can pick apart the situation and see it for what it 'really' is, maybe even giving you the credence you need to prove that custody should be revisited.

It's worth a shot!

[shear_madness]

My situation is similar to your. I gave the ex physical custody 4 years ago. He lives in Michigan, I live in FL.
It didn't take long for things to start to fall apart over there, but I knew I didn't have much "proof" other than what my children told me. My ex moved his _still married_ girlfriend into the home, and things went from bad to worse. Ex works 80 or more hours per week, his gf has a son who has had sex with my daughter, both daughters grades have falled to C's, D's, and F's (formerly A-B Honor Roll students) They've begun experimenting with drugs and alcohol, the list goes on.
My advice to you, just in case you are in the same situation I am (not much documentation),  is to get your case together before you call an attorney and start this process. I worked hard on my motion, then handed it to my attorney (to save money) and after that, things started happening pretty dang fast. I'm struggling now to get copies of school records, medical records, reference letters, etc in time to go to court.
Also, a word of caution. If your ex is not in favor of this custody change (assuming not), you will be creating the worst enemy you've ever had... out of someone you used to love.... who knows you and knows how to hurt you in court.
Think carefully, then plan accordingly. Read all you can get your hands on. It may seem like you need to go charging in right this minute... but careful planning now will save you many sleepless nights later.

"To live is so startling, it leaves little time for anything else."