Question for CP's that used to be NCP....

[nosonew]

We recently became cp to ss late last year.  Mom got pissed, moved out of town, 2 hours away.  My husband (and I supporting him emotionally & financially) fought tooth and nail for years JUST to see ss even WITH a court order. We had her in court countless times for contempt (each resulted in a slap on her wrist with judge telling her not to do it again) and finally, 120 contempt charges that the judge COULD NOT ignore, and instead of throwing her sorry ass in jail, he RECUSED himself at the end of the day, which sent us to another judge, who wouldn't even hear the case, and sent us to a CASE MANAGER whom he wrote in his order (without seeing anyone) that she would be our judge/jury/executioner and he would go by anything she recommended.  

She was actually a Godsend, and we went to 50/50 and then eventually cp.  At that time, since ss wrote the case mgr asking to live with dad, the bm moved.  (To save face with family members as she requested, in front of us during a meeting that it be written that child is with father due to her move rather than per his request).  

So, after 10 years, 25,000 dollars, we finally have ss here with us.  Now for the problem:

1.  SS is 14, almost 15
2.  SS request at the time of the order to "make his own visitation".
3.  Due to bm moving, case mgr agreed that it may "interfere" with his school, sports, and social life at times and wrote in the order he could change his schedule "for important events and activities, both social and school/sports related". (BM told casemanager that if "her" weekend fell on Prom weekend, he would just have to miss it!  Because she was more important that prom, friends, school, sports, girlfriends, etc)
4.  My dh and bm were never married, didn't date.  My DH could be a poster child for WHY you use a condom on a one night stand.
5.  So, ss (who while living with her was denied seeing friends, going anywhere, having any social life) is loving having friends over, going places, and instead of having one part-time friend now has 5 really, good friends he hangs with.  (all good kids too)
6.  So, he deals with his mother on the phone regarding visitation.  DH and I DO NOT get involved.  
7.  Every Thurs. in Jan he has told us "I'm not going to my mom's because...." and he has told her that morning or night before that he is not coming. (Schedule says eow if nothing else going on)
8.  Dad has tried to encourage him to go.  To no avail.
9.  I just sit back and "smirk" because I honestly am loving this.


So my question is this:  Given his age, the order, the fact he talks to her about it, we don't get involved, should we push him more to see her?  

He says she only wants him there for company.  He does nothing but sit on Sony Playstation 24/7 while there.  He has no friends there.  She does not have friends, he can't socialize with anyone, as she is anti-social.  He hates going.  He is very verbal to us about his wishes, wants, and expectations.  He gets tired of being promised this and that, and it never materializes (like she promises they WILL have fun, go paintballing or something, but she NEVER follows thru).

What do we do?  Nothing?  Push him?  Sit back and enjoy our moment?
(I secretly like #3, but even after false accusations, etc., I feel bad for her, as she has no life, NO person in her life but him)  *She has not dated since before he was born btw.

**And yes, hubby was very drunk "that night".  Everyone of our 3 attorneys looked at her once and asked DH "I hope you were really, really drunk...." Get my drift?

Thanks.

[kiddosmom]

Hang on while I lift my laughing rear off the floor!
If we could all have that kind of situation life would be great!
I would say, other then asking if he wanted to go, and possibly mention how long it has been since he has been there, don't push him :)

[NoNicky]

You can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink!  That is kind of the situation you are in.  However I would continue to document, document, document.  Document when she calls and asks for visitation and document the fact that it was SS's choice not to go.  

My ex tried to claim for a while that I was denying him visitation in a similar situation.  I had documented and we let his attorney know that not only did I have the documentation that he had called pitifly little but that I had encouraged ds to go and it had been ds's choice NOT to go.  We also let him know that we would have no hesitation in asking the judge to listen to my then 16 yr old on the matter.  Suddenly it was no longer an issue.  I even once had to send the ex a letter stating "I am not denying you visitation.  I am asking you to choose another time/day based on the fact that we already had plans made for the day/time you chose and sonsname chose to go through with the plans we already had made.  

Now of course he's on to new accusations but we handle them as they come.  One day at a time, one false accusation at a time.  

[nosonew]

Thanks KM, sometimes you just need a little humor, huh?  :)

To Nick-My dh and I used to document everything.  Now, we aren't because we are not involved in the phone calls, etc.  He has his own phone line that she calls on, the caller id shows she calls 2-5 times weekly, now, if he actually talks to her, I don't know.  And since it is long-distance, both parties will have documentation via phone bills.  

We also have email, but she has not once emailed a complaint to us about this.  Yet.  

Thanks for the advice! Will have to reconsider what we document. (There have been 2 weekends that weather interfered with travel)

[Davy]

... of a bumper sticker that says something like " Yep ... I was drunk but I sobered up and she's still ugly".

Anyway, from your post, I think y'all are doing great with this guy.
He now has someone that's interested in him, communicates with him,
participates in his life and with his friends, and appears capable of providing guidance, structure,  and overall nuturing.  Great golly !
As would be expected y'all are not running interference in his relationship with the the other parent and, in fact, you're offering encouragement.  

Personally I think you should be careful not to over do the encouragement factor...further draining the child.  A 'valid' suggestion might be for the parent to travel to the child's location at the son's written request (1 time; open-ended).  Perhaps she will learn from your example about healthy relationships.

Enjoy these moments and the many more to come this kid's way.

I'm wandering why y'all didn't recuse the judge earlier and what reason the judge gave for his own recusal .. same with the other judge that refused the case.  Why do you think it took 10 years and 25K to acknowledge that these issues are serious ???  Those judges and jurisdiction owes this child and his father huge bucks !!!  Is disbarment an option ??  What assholes !!