Aussie...when do you think you will hear something?

[nosonew]

I still have fingers and toes crossed for you!  Just wondering if you have an anticipated date of the judge releasing his ruling!!!  Inquiring minds want to know!  

[aussierules]

As of right now I have heard nothing from the court other than the minute entry showing the matter taken under advisement. I received feedback from counsel as well as other counsel I have on unrelated matters and they think we did a good job putting our case on in the compressed time. Please keep your fingers crossed for me. The support is very important. I have alot of time to think about this as I am on my own this weekend. Hopefully next week we should start to hear back on some of the motions.

[nosonew]

Believe me, myself and numerous others here are just in awe of what you have accomplished so far...regardless of the outcome...but I feel pretty good about this...I do believe you will come out with custody, or at least 50/50.  My personal feelings are that you should have SOLE custody, with bm having supervised visitation, but with the judges I have seen, you never know.  I just pray your's is one that couldn't sleep at night making the "wrong" decision.  Good luck...I am behind you 100%!!!

[aussierules]

The judge got to see mum at her finest. She blew up on the stand. By doing so she validated what the court appointed psychologist had to say about her. More accusations with even nasitier tones. If Judge M. does not abdicate to the findings of the court appointed shrink I believe I would have a great appeal but I do not want to go there. I think that he will force mum into therapy. He may not give supervised but might be willing to make things a certain way provided she goes into therapy. If not there needs to be consequences as the psychologist stated. It is difficult for judges to take away mum's right but if my situation is not a poster child for that to occur then I am not quite sure what is. The judge knows first hand what I have been through. There is no disputing that. All mum has are her flimsy lies tied to her personality disorders. I think that this should and will have a significant impact on the final decision of the court.

I feel like I have come along way but there is some road to travel yet. I am going to do what it takes to protect my child. I want her to see mum but when mum is healthy. Not before.

[wendl]

Your family in continously in our prayers.  We just hope the judge in your case sees the light, many don't, which is sad, as it only hurts our children.

You can be proud of yourself for remaining calm and thinking only of your child and in doing so be at peace.

Hopefully mum will get the help she needs so she can have a healthy relationship with the child.

**These are my opinions, they are not legal advice**

[onedaddy]

My husband and myself have been waiting with bated breath, too.

We too are going through an all too similar situation, our trial is set for September 28th and your postings have helped prepare us.
BM and Step-father have been on top behavior for about 2 months.  So they must be frightened, they tried to deny us our labor day and probably would have had the trial not been so close and with our last session with the forensics.  
Your's used Uraphilla a little worse than the OCD (Big deal), and too clean (for 15+ years he's been employed as a plumber) there coming at us with. At the end of the forensics he said he believed my husband was a little obsessive but certainly not compulsive.  I responded most people have some sort of personality flaw, especially someone wrapped up in a nightmare with no control over their own lives; when people can lie and have you thrown in jail and then when you finally prove this lie there is "no punishment" and the judge says be careful it'll probably happen again because "I can't stop her from lieing"(but isn't it a crime ti file false reports, duh!); or when an ex-con with a very long history of domestic violence has more rights over your kids then you do. I'm crazy out of my mind and I'm 'just the SM".  The forensics disagreed with me but he continuously said, if you get custody this and if you get custody that.  I think, I hope this a good sign, but who knows anything anymore.
 
I agree with everyone you should feel proud of your accomplishments and strength. From what you've told us you did an incredible job keeping your composure under an enormously stressful time, kudos!
I hope we can follow lead....

[aussierules]

I am sorry to hear about your situation. This experience has created a great empathy in me for other parents and their kids that have been down the road I have. I was just saying to a friend today how mum does not seem to think she can lose so her behavior continues unabated. She still blocks phone calls - in fact last night when I tried to call my child to say hello consistent with one of the many existing court orders she had changed her phone number so I had to hustle to get the new one. Even then I did not get to speak with my child. When I did hear from her today she said that mummy "forgot" we had to be here for your call. We have only been doing it for 3 years.

The dramatic irony here is that there really is no disproving malicious allegations made against you. My FTC wrote a book called "Elusive Innocence" and the title is right on the money. It is harder to disprove something occurred than to prove it did happen. Societally people are so offended by accusations of child abuse that the convential wisdoms that we all think we enjoy like innocence until proven guilty are a sham. My last CPS Case Manager told me that if truth be told I will always live under a black cloud as long as I stay here and that in reality I did not control the size of that cloud in my future. That is a sad statement. if you look at what my child's GAL said it crystalizes the issue even more. She stated that even though CPS & Law Enforcement may choose to unsubstantiate or not arrest and perhaps prosecute somone that does not in her mind mean that the accused did not do it. If you take that logic and run with it what you get is elusive innocence and therefore no justice.

I recognize that it is hard for a judge to consider taking the rights of a mum away but it should be no harder than doing it to a dad who had similar problems. The State of AZ took my rights away for 87 days as I tried to prove a negative with NO evidence against me. Now there is a mountain of science and expert opinion that says mum is a danger to her child because she hates me so much. If the guiding principal is the best interests of the child then the way forward should be clear. I would never seek to prevent contact and/or the relationship between my child and her mum but it must be healthy. If I had been unwell I would have expected the state to intervene. When the State of AZ figured out that my relationship with my child was healthy they backed down. Now is the time for the judiciary to step up to the plate and make my daughter safe because I cannot protect her when she is with her mother. It is that simple.

If you do not mind me asking what forensics did your husband go through? Are you talking testing or interviewing or some combination of the both of them? I have been through so many psychological, psychosexual and psychiatric evaluations all to prove I am not what mum said I was that I have gained a healthy understanding of their effectiveness. I do plan on documenting the evaluations themselves more fully once the judge has made his decision to help demystify the process for other laypeople like myself.

I appreciate your positive comments. I put this story out here so others not just men could see what it was like to live in such a bad place for so long. Hopefully the end will justify the pain of the journey. I am not one who is normally prepared to allow these types of things to occur and to be unresponsive but in this case discretion is definitely the better part of valor. I am sure you will do great. Keep focusing on your children - I do not see them any differently just because they are your stepchildren & remain calm as much as practical. There are many things wrong with this whole process and they will only get fixed gradually. Mine and your experiences hopefully will contribute to that end state but we have the unfortunate role of having to be the mechanism by which that happens.

Good luck.

[onedaddy]

Your composure is so amazing to me.

We went for a combination of testing and evaluation.  The evaluator interviewed my husband for 1 hour a week for 3 weeks.  The next week was the 3 hour test, then a 40 minute play session with my husband and the children.  Finally myself for 40 minutes and then both my husband and myself to tell him all the things we wanted him to know about.  We sent him a 14 page chronology with hundred's of pages of back-up which he says he will look at after all the interviews.  We gave him copies of a psychosocial history written by our counselor and we played tape recordings of BM threatening me in front of the children and threatening my husband with further harrassment charges and jail time in front of the children if we picked up the children on his scheduled weekend.  We showed a clear pattern of maliciousness; whenever she was found in contempt or couldn't get her way she would file charges against my husband usually 3 days later.  
The evaluator met with BM and SF in the same fashion he met with us and I believe he met with the children together for a session so they could tell him their daddy was too clean and chases them around with windex as BM alleges.
The evaluator is also a police psychologist, who teaches for the FBI in something like 10 different countries.  We thought this would help a little since SF background is sleazy.
Although she is quite antagonistic and it's sometimes hard to tell, our lawyer feels strongly the GAL is on our side.
The BM's lawyer seems as sleazy as yours, we have a sanction pending against him right now.  He was specifically told by the Judge in February he was not entitiled to subpeona my husbands records, they were to go to the court and they would be viewable there.  Yet, he decided to do it anyway in March, and 2-3 doctors sent the records to him with nothing more than a lawyer subpeona, not signed by a judge and no release from my husband.  He also never served us with their amended petition in January.  He served the court and the GAL but as he said in court in February "oh, did I forget to serve you. here!" I will be filing a report with the NY Bar association when the trial is over.
We will also be filing civil charges against BM for false arrest, false imprisonment, malicious prosection, etc.  We are broke, having spent nearly $40,000+ lost wages this year alone but I fear if we do nothing she will again file false charges and I cannot go through that.
I'm sorry I realize this is all about the kids and they are forced to lie.  But doesn't it make you angry.  My SD lies all the time, it has become so common place, she doesn't know when not to lie. She also only tells her daddy she loves him when he wants something and states she doesn't have to because she lives with mommy and is with mommy all the time.  I'm afraid she is going to carry this along througout her life and be a very miserable, lonley adult.  But according to the GAL she is only 7.  I understand she feels she has to act the way her mother and grandma and aunt tell her to.  But how will she realize it is wrong.

The children (SS 4 and SD 7) recently began therapy although it was agreed to in court in March 2003 and then ordered in January 2004.  It became part of our contempt charge in March 2004 and she thought it would go away.  I think her lawyer or the GAL stepped up in June and forced her to take them.  We agreed that neither party would be allowed to subpeona the counselor so this would be about the children.  HAH!  BM went in with SF stating he was the father and then when my husband called to set up payment and give her a brief background she was lost.  God knows what she tells them to say.  PURE EVIL!

I pray the Judges can put societies norm aside and realize how screwed up your BM is.  I believe it won't be so easy in my case to prove the BM is nuts but at least if they can see the SF is disaster waiting to happen.

[aussierules]

This sounds like it was more of a custodial evaluation (CE) correct? I am going to presume that this was court ordered. It actually sounds closer to what I thought a CE would look like compared to mine. Our CE did not even meet the stepfather and met with my daughter over 2 visit for a total of 30 minutes on her own. By the time he got to her she had already been seen by so many idiots on the first allegation of child abuse that she had decided who she was going to talk to and who not. We have incidentally motioned the courts to get the latest psychological evaluations in front of him so that he can be brought up to date and revisit his original findings possibly.

The CE resource is a nationally renowned individual and has apparently done over 4500 of these but maybe we just caught him on an off day. Still he charged us $6K for the experience. By the way he did administer 2 token paper tests to valiadte that no major antisocial disorders were going on - MMPI-II and PSI. My FTC states & the latest court appointed psychologist confirms that in of themselves they would NOT have been enough to flush out her persaonlity disorders. In total we each met with the good doctor for about 3 hours over 2 occasions on 2 different days and then had one session together (which was painful) for 2 hours on the last day at which point the CE announced he could make no more progress because mum refused to offer any kind of parenting plan that would allow me access to our daughter and that he would just make up his own mind as we could not agree.

I understand the need to file civil charges but I am going to tell you something you may not like. I have my defamation, wrongful affliction of emotional abuse case ready to file but I have not done so yet. My 3 attorneys locally have conferred and they agree that it would create a very bad impression on the judge. Why is that important you ask after the trial is done? Well, given that no parenting order is ever really final because certainly in AZ they can come up for review anytime when there is a material change in circumstances or every 18 months I believe for general review & confirmation, there is a high degree of likelihood that your judge will get to hear from the BM about how you and your partner are trying to drive her out of existence. I hear it from mine all the time. Sure I want to teach her a lesson but I am not sure that the court is the answer. You can of course do what you want but I am holding on mine and not because I like mum or what she has done to our child or me but all you need is to lose because the court thinks you are trying to get resolution on your family court case in another forum and the BM wins. Bad idea. I have spent over $120K to get to this point and my journey is not done. It has been hard and it is really getting tight but now is not the time to get timid.

Now I know what I am dealing with regarding mum's mental health issues it does help. I do not like the lying or the way she has placed our daughter in harm's way to hurt me. I recognize that until the judge has the courage to step in it will continue unabated. If your BM is like mum in my case and it sounds like they are not entirely disimilar then you will not get her to stop with a simple contempt charge. It will likely just stir her on because she thinks you wronged her.

I do understand your concerns around the alienating behaviors that your 7 year old is showing and whether or not she will carry this with her for the rest of her life. I can only tell you about my own experience and it is not that way. My child knows what her mum is doing is wrong. She hates it when mum will not let her call me or mum says bad stuff about me. They know the truth but in reality your 7 year old is doing what she needs to do to get by in the place she calls home. Really it is quite smart. Why alienate your primary caregiver. She will come to resent what the BM is doing. I truly believe that. Have you and your partner considered asking the court to appoint someone to do a total psychological evaluation. Not the peripheral one done by your CE but one designed to flush out bipolar, PTSD, BPD etc. It may be a better use of the remaining $$$ than a suit designed to nail the BM to the cross.

I wish I shared your optimism for the GAL role. Mine as I have said is a vile person who cannot see her own confirmatory bias. She takes shots at me every time she can. She even did it on court this last time in front of the judge. She finds it hard to accept that I did not do what mum has accused me of. At $70 which is what she gets for her work she is jaded and has a poor attitude. I have seen little/no advocacy. She could not even remember to do her last visit to mum's house before trial as she was required to do by the court. I have seen her only 3 times in over 18 months and she will do nothing to assist if I present it. She has said on the record she believes that mum acted in good faith when she made all of the accusations. She must feel like a fool now with confirmation that mum lies habitually and has 3 (count em) different personality disorders to work with. Her conduct is not in the child's best interest it is in the mum's which is quite frankly NOT her job. Mine ordered up therapy for our child like fast food without knowing what it was for and now wants a slap on the back for it. She needs a slap in the face more like.

I never realized that the problem was as bad as it is. I wish I could say something more useful but I hope by writing down my problems and what I did about them it will serve to help others in similar situation. I plan on continuing to advocate for my FTC and directly to others in forums like this even when I am done because it is the only way I think things will change. As they said in Spider Man "With great knowledge comes great power". I think that is true. Hang in there.

AUSSIE AUSSIE AUSSIE OY OY OY
(A famous chant from back home to rally the team)

[onedaddy]

Knowledge is power! Your wisdom has helped my husband and myself tremendously as has this entire site.  

I was brought up to believe that you live right and do the right things and only good will come of it.  Well I was wrong, you can do all the right things and wind up in jail for a bold faced lie. Aarggh!

Yes, we did go for a custodial evaluation, I'm a little behind in all the legal terminology.  We asked the judge to order the step-parents be evaluated.  The doctor was uninterested in the step-parents because as he said "2nd marraige don't usually work out."  His evaluation with myself and I'm sure the SF was meek, he said he just wanted "to make sure we weren't crazy."  He asked me where I went to school, how I met my husband, any previous marriages/engagements, how I would describe the children and what my relationshiop was with the BM.  That was exactly it.  and I did provide him with a full background of the SF, his criminal record, orders of protection, 4 divorces and the info on the 2 children by 2 woman he has no rights too.
I am interested in the total psychological evaluation you refer to, and certainly will inquire, thanks!

I am mixed with the civil case.  Our lawyer thinks this is okay as does socrateaser, she does not believe we should ever try and file criminal charges, though and I certainly agree with that although I would love for her to see what it is like.  We will possibly hold off for the moment.  But I must be honest I fear what else she will do if there continues to be no repercussions. I do agree with everything you say but we have allowed some very serious things to go by, i.e. my husband's brand new truck being blown up and this guy has an arson charge, reports to my husbands union almost prompting him to get kicked out and lose his livelyhood, BM obtaining a $5,000 loan using my husbands ss# and signing his name and then allowing it to go into default causing problems securing a lower mortgae rate, etc.  You see, things only seem to get worse when we let them slide.  

I am, however going to request an "enforcement sanction" be written in to the new CO, so that hopefully the police can get involved when there is custodial interference. I'm sure the police will give me a rough time but she is a textbook NPD who fears such.

I pray you are right about my SD.  My SS acts out a lot, he curses like at 5 he curses like a sailor, he hits, he steals, he litters, he just does not lie.  They both have absolutely no empathy.  But we are giving them non-stop unconditional love which has got to be good for something.
And I pray your daughter gets through her nightmare fairly unscathed.  Your BM truely disgusts me with the horror she has made her own child endure.

As for the GAL, she constantly calls us and ask us to prove the new allegations BM has made after every visit, even though we consisitently prove she and SF are liars and when we tell her that my husband has missed some 32 days in a row of phone contact she just says keep a record.  She orders us to out BM on the emergency contact sheet at contact which is fine but when we ask if DH can be put on contact sheet at scholl she says have your lawyer bring it up in court.  But, most importantly she has helped us in the past in court.  I'm sorry yours is such an unbelieveable b****!

Again, I thank you for all your wonderful advise and the opportunity to let me vent.  I realize that hind site is 20/20 and by everyone sharing their experiences past and present helps us to make the right decisions, not to mention realize we are not alone in this crazy fight.  
You and your daughter are in our prays.  I am confident things will start goingin the RIGHT direction.