Aussie, how did the school spaghetti night go?

[StPaulieGirl]

1. Mum was going to pull her out of the soccer team I was coaching and have her put into another team. My little girl was upset and told mum she wanted to play on daddy's team. If we lose a child we may not be able to play the games and that would hurt all the kids not just mine. I do not know how mum can think this in good conscience even if she does want to hurt me.

When I replied to you yesterday, I left out a couple of things because my post was getting long winded.  Just to reply to your comment above, she can do it because she literally doesn't care about your child, or anyone else but herself.  She's incapable of this.

I mentioned in my other post about how just the bare bones of school functions were attended to.  What I didn't mention is that none of the kids have ever been in organized sports, cheerleading, band, etc.  Nada.  Not allowed.

The first thing I did was to enroll the youngest in the nondenominational church down the street, for their bible study program.  Btw, this was after my ex moved.  All the kids in the neighborhood attended, regardless of religion.  In addition to bible study, they had outings to rollerskating rinks, etc.  She was 5 at the time, and had never been on inline skates.  Well by the end of the evening, she was up there with the rest of the kids.  When she did the "limbo", we all cheered and clapped for her.  It was a triumph, considering how many times she hit the ground trying to learn to skate.

Guess what happens?  She comes back from Daddy's the following weekend and no longer wants to participate in the program.  She was in shrieking hysterics.  She made implausible excuses.  Well, if she doesn't want to go, then I'm not going to force her.  That was 5 yrs ago.  Since then, I enrolled her in Awannas.  Same thing, minus the hysterics.  She brought home an application for Little League, a couple of years ago.  At that point I said why bother.  Now, she's turned on my friend.  He is a decent, kind man who unfortunately doesn't see his kids.  His ex sounds like ours.  We've known each other for 11 months.  There was never a problem before.  My second oldest daughter and her fiance introduced us.

Same M.O.  My ex and his little helper can talk all the trash they want to about me, this is the first guy I've dated since I met my ex at age 18.  My kids know this.  Unfortunately, your ex is parroting extremely damaging statements in public.  Your ex is doing the "Sherman's March to the Sea" treatment to you.  It's easy to say to just ignore it, but sometimes you can't.  Take the high road, and know that people know you, and the more she screeches, the worse she looks.  

All I can say is that if you have the money, go after full custody.  Your ex has a personality disorder, and cannot comprehend what she is doing.  Everything is someone else's fault.  Your daughter is just an extention of her, not a person with feelings and a separate identity.  Your ex won't go for treatment, and even if she did, it wouldn't do any good.

I hope that you can keep your girl on the soccer team.  Good luck, and best wishes...

[skye]

*********Dr. P stated that one cannot respond to a borderline and ever be right. There is NO negotiation and that with the degree of her difficulty that until she is in treatment she will not be able to stop herself from repeating this type of behavior.*************

I have been reading your story for some time now and I just wanted to say, I know how you feel it is not easy dealing with someone with BPD. What the Dr stated to you is so very true... I read something a while back that helped a little..If you get the time please go to this site and read. A person with BPD needs to be on medication. there are no ways around it. I am so sorry your daughter has to deal with this.

http://www.mytriptoozandback.com/



other sites on BPD and custody battles with a BPD:

http://www.bpdcentral.com/bks/spy.shtml

http://www.bpdresources.com/divorcecustody.html

I hope this helps a little.

You and your daughter are in my prayers. Has there been any word as to the hearing yet?

[aussierules]

I just spoke with Dr. T tonight who was/is the court appointed mental health psychologist. He said that mum is not a simple borderline which makes her more difficult to deal with and subseqently treat. He says that with traits of other personality disorders she is quite a bit more complex than if she had just suffered from BPD. His comment to me tonight was as follows:

I really didn't think that she was just Borderline and the behavior you are describing seems to confirm that she has a mix of traits.  Aside from this - I'm not much of a "book" person preferring to look at empirical studies that are based on theory.  The stuff I assign to my grad students - they have difficulty reading.  If you want to try - try Otto Kernberg.  Again, he might not be that easy to read because you need some pretty extensive background in object relations theory to understand him.  I made a statement in the recommendations regarding consequences for behavior.  I meant that one.  That's the way to deal with her.  A book isn't going to shed more light on how to deal with her unfortunately. When is the judge making decisions?

Previously Dr. P has suggested I read "Understanding Borderline Personality Disorder: The Dialectical Approach" by Marsha Linehan who has the most effective treatment in use in the USA today. However with mum insisting nothing is wrong with her getting her to consent to even being treated may be a long way off even with a judicial order unless the order has teeth and takes something away she values like her access to our daughter.

I appreciate you taking the time to read my story. Hopefully it has been of some benefit to you. It sounds like you have seen alot of this before but there is no harm in hearing our someone else has dealt with it in my humble opinion. I will commit to reading the material at the links you have provided me. I believe in collecting as much information as one can to allow a more knowledgeable & informed position to being taken.

No word yet from the judge. As you can see even the court appointed psychologist wants to know when he will make a decision because he feels the need to put consequences on her actions is IMMEDIATE. I will of course update you all.

AUSSIE OUT