Aussie, how did the school spaghetti night go?

[nosonew]

Wondering how your evening was...full of nightmares or good times.  Hope all went well....

[aussierules]

Late yesterday we received a fax of a letter written by mum's counsel to the GAL in response to our letter to him which appears to have been hand delivered to the GAL asking that she step in and prevent me from going to these types of functions. The letter questioned my behavior & asserted that both parents could not participate in activities for our child.  My attorney wrote back a strongly worded letter today showing how misguided this position was. No judge is going to tell John Q. Citizen who he can and cannot see. The notion that a family court judge will tell a litigant/parent when they can see their friends is absurd.

That said I went to my child's friend's birthday party around 5:30pm as planned and was told by the friend's mum that she had spoken to my daughter's mum yesterday at school – Thursday and that my child would not be able to come as they were going on a camping trip. Friend's mum told me that today my child was not at school so she figured they had just gone away for the weekend as mum had indicated to her.

At 6:55pm I called mum's house ostensibly to leave a message as I was under the impression that they were gone on this trip. I called the house because this was the only number that I had to contact my daughter. I was quite surprised when my child answered the phone and told me that she had a bit of a frog in her throat which is why she had not been to school today. No mention of a camping trip. I asked her if she had gone to the doctor and she said NOT for her but for mummy. I asked her how she felt and she said ok and that she would be at soccer tomorrow.

If my child was sick then why wasn't she taken to the doctor? There is no reason to keep her out of school for a cold. In fact her school district tells parents that as long as the child is not running a temperature that they should come to school. I know if I kept our child out of school then I would inform mum that she was not feeling well and what I was going to do. I guess not all parents feel like they need to include the other custodial parent in matters effecting the health of their child.

The questions in my mind are as follows:

1. Why did mum keep our child out of school? Was it because she was sick or because she wanted to have some excuse NOT to allow her to go to the part & the spaghetti dinner.

2. Why did mum tell our child's friend's mother that they were going on a camping trip when in reality she was sitting at home the entire evening?

3. Why did mum not inform me that our child was not well and that she was not going to school like any other joint parent would?

I do not believe that our child was sick enough to be kept out of school. I think it is clear that mum pulled her out to do CYA so that she could not bring her to the events in question because I refused to back down on my attendance. This is insane. It is NOT in our child's best interests whatever you might believe. This has to find its way to the judge so he can see the relentlessly messed up path that mum is on. When I was at the spaghetti dinner I chatted with my child's kindergarten teacher and she was concerned as to why our child was out today. I told her I had no clue because I never get told when she is sick when she is in her mum's care.

I think it is not hard to see even for the most cynical of readers that mum decided her threat to call the police was a bad one and likely after some consultation with counsel she decided to keep our child out of school so she could have some sort of excuse as to why she did not take her to the events. She had made such a big deal about not wanting to see me there that she could not back down so she needed another play. I do not believe in any kind of conspiracy theory but you have to understand this is how mum thinks of things. So, the net was that I did not see my child and she missed a day of school all to allow mum to save face for her rediculous position on joint parenting of school related events.

[nosonew]

Although you already know this, she is just showing how she cannot co-parent regarding your child.  Hopefully your counsel will be able to inform the court of this, and if this was a one time event, it wouldn't mean much, but considering all the letters prior, all the other "stuff" that has happened, it is obvious why she kept your daughter out of school.

"Mum" is looking out for what SHE wants, not what is in the best interest of the child....as always.  Sorry you didn't get to see her, but glad you went to the spaghetti dinner...

[aussierules]

Not wishing to turn this into another mammoth thread BUT I think there are some important lessons to be learned. I agree with you entirely that in isolation this event could be considered to be insignificant but it is not a random behavior. It is part of a premeditated pattern. My attorney is being very careful about contact with the judge during this decision making phase we are in so perhaps this will just be something that we send to opposing counsel and the worthless GAL. I see communication of this issue as key because it is yet another data point to allow us to draw the line. The picture has to get clearer for us all to get to the same point in the life cycle of this case. One has to ask oneself a very simple question. Why did she not take our daughter to either of the events last night? That answer if truthfully given or surmised from the facts at hand would tell us that she cannot co-parent in any way, shape or form.

Unlike most NORMAL parents I think mum goes through a process before she makes a decision of any kind trying to figure out if there is any way that I might be able to benefit from what she is about to do. If she concludes that there is then she will simply elect not to do it which is what I think happened last night. If she can hurt me with her actions it is full steam ahead. When my child comes to me she is very relaxed. I rarely see any manifestation of stress or anxiety. People comment about how well she behaves and how wonderful our relationship is. On the occasions that I have seen her with mum she is nervous and careful about what she can say and/or do. That is not the legacy I want to leave my child with.

I have read some very cool books about trying to parent with an ex who is a jerk but very few of these comprehend what it must be like when that ex is also mentally ill. Maybe when all is said and done and I get my book published - yes there will be a book if I can get it into a state that someone wants to publish it, the text can become a survival guide for those who find themselves in the same place that I did and do.

Your last comment is right on the money. Mum is doing what is right for mum not for our child. She cannot or will not see that her actions hurt the very person that she claims to love. The only way forward now is for our judge to reel her back in, prevent her relocation, force her into a regimen of therapy and to cut back her visitation to reduce the chances for repeat occurences perhaps with visitation. I am praying extra hard - I would ask that you do also.

AUSSIE OUT

[wendl]

I'm really glad you went regardless whether your daughter attended or not, my dh's ex never told dh when kids wouldn't be attending functions or even when school functions where, dh had to call the teachers to see what monthly activites they plan.

The teachers we dh and I show to the functions and kids aren't there apologize for kids not being there and that we made the 70 mile drive. The teachers were funny they alway let all the other parents know that the xx family drove all the way from xx town.

We got along with the teachers well, a few of the teachers didn't care for mom as mom was talking to me and accusing one of the teachers being on drugs, this is a highly decorated teacher, so I did call the teacher and the principal called me.  SO since that time this teacher stayed clear of mom.  Mom was going to go to the school district with these false allegations, I am glad she didn't.

Keep it up like you are, you are only thinking of your child.

:)
**These are my opinions, they are not legal advice**

[aussierules]

This is actually the third time this has happened - first time at this school so it is sadly not a new experience. I go because I know it is the right thing to do. I am sometimes a little embarassed because I am there on my own but what is a little pride. I sat down and chatted with my child's kindergarten teacher last night and she did not know why my daughter had not been to school. I said I did not know either. She asked where she was and I said that she was home with mum because mum does not like to bring her to school functions if I am going to be there. That got a raised eyebrow from the teacher.

I called my little girl last night at 7:00pm and I told her that I had been to the birthday party and that I was headed for the spaghetti dinner. I wish she could have been there but I understand that she cannot. She did not understand why and to be honest I do not blame her because I do not know why and I am 38. It is funny (not ha ha but peculiar) how we can all be so far apart and yet our cases have such common themes. I knew the judge would not insert himself in who my friends are and when I can see them nor would he tell me not to go to my child's school events. That would have been a violation of my rights as a father and to be quite candid I would not have complied with such a stupid order anyways.

I do not want to be the object of sympathy but I do want people to see that this is nasty stuff. Mum does not care what she does to our child just so long as she hurts me. As you will see in my additional post right behind this one she did it again today at soccer.

AUSSIE OUT

[aussierules]

This is the redacted letter I just sent to my family court attorney. As you can all see I just came back from soccer and what an experience it was. The rhetoric has now picked up as you will see. Mum either honestly believes what she said or she is worse than I thought she was. I am sad that the courts are taking as long as they are. How much more do they want to happen before they say enough is enough.

*** LETTER TO ATTORNEY ***

Steve

I went to the AYSO U06 soccer team today.

Mum turned up with SF & my child. She demanded to be given all the paperwork which I have already given her – a schedule was all that amounted to. She wanted to know why she was not invited to the meeting last Tuesday. I told her that this was a coaches meeting. She said that our child told her other kids were there. They were but they were just waiting on their dads & mums who also were coaches.

We played the game without incident.

At the end of the game I am giving out drinks & fruit snacks. Mum tells our child to come on as they are leaving. I said I wanted to give her a cuddle goodbye. She tells our child no but she comes over to me anyways.

Mum asks me for a ball coupon provided by the league. I tell her that I only have one per team member and as I bought all of our child's soccer stuff I did not have another to give her. I told her that balls are not expensive so she should go buy one. I offer them the match ball as long as I get it back. SF takes it and starts to kick it on the concrete pretty much ripping the ball to shreds.

We all walk to the car and I am chatting to our child how well she did. I head off in the direction of my car. I see SF to kick the ball along the concrete and ask him not to do that because it is our match ball. He kicks the ball across the parking lot towards me until it rolls under the cars. I ask mum if she can manage to pay me what she owes me for soccer registration and gear – approximately $37. She appears to ignore me and gets Sydney in the truck but flips me off behind her back.

I am now standing about 100 feet away at my car. Mum walks over and tells me that we need to be nice for our child's sake. I say I have no problem with that but that SF should take care of the ball if he wants to borrow it and that I would appreciate it if she would pay me her half for soccer. She says something like "wish with one hand and swivel with another". I do not know what that means but I think it would appear that I am not going to get that money back anytime soon. She says she will pay me back when I pay her the $100,000 I owe her. I tell her that my understanding is that Judge XXXX did not see it that way either as he ordered 100% of the net proceeds into escrow from the sale of the home she lives in. She tells me I am going to hell. I respond that I know she does not know what she is saying and that this is her illness talking and that I want her to be better for our child's sake. She then yells in a VERY loud voice "You are a fucking pedophile and you will go to hell for what you did". I do not respond. She then goes on to say that "I will be lucky if she does not get full custody of our child after the trial we just had". I responded that maybe she was at a different trial than I was because I felt the opposite to be true. She told me to "go fuck myself" and walked off in the direction that SF's car used to be but he had moved around behind us. Perhaps she really believes that she is going to get sole custody. I do not for sure but what this tells me is that she is NOT well.

Before she gets in the car she yells that our child will not be coming to soccer anymore on days that she has her. If that turns out to be the case then our child's team is out of the league until we can find another kid because we need to have 5 players on the team. If we lose my child we will not qualify. My daughter gets in the car and SF backs up and yells at me "I am going to buy her a ball. She will be a great soccer player." I tell him "Good. It would be nice if you would buy something for her and not expect me to do it all the time." Mum covers my daughter's ears for effect of course like she is protecting her and my child looks all sad because she can feel the anger her mother is directing towards me.

I drove home. Remember I went to my car. I did not go to theirs and I did not initiate the interaction with mum. I did call Dr. P because I am upset. This has to stop. He has recommended I read a book "Understanding Borderline Personality Disorder: The Dialectical Approach" which I am going to order today. He says that she needs help and that I need to understand how to deal with her when she flies off the handle like this. I do not care what we have to do at this point Steve. I am NOT going to be called a pedophile any more. It is as simple as that. Dr. P stated that one cannot respond to a borderline and ever be right. There is NO negotiation and that with the degree of her difficulty that until she is in treatment she will not be able to stop herself from repeating this type of behavior.

Do whatever needs to be done to prevent this from occurring again. I am entitled NOT to have my child or anyone else have to listen to this crap.

I cannot believe that this has to go on unchecked. I am sick and tired of being on the defensive with her. Time to take off the gloves. I find it hard to comprehend how this woman kept my daughter out of school yesterday to avoid allowing her to do joint activities and then in the next breath behaves like this. I am frightened for my child and to be quite honest I am frightened for me.

HORRIBLE

[StPaulieGirl]

I've followed some of your posts, and I feel your frustration.

I'll try and answer your questions.  1.  She kept your girl out of school as a pretext to explain her absence from the activities that were scheduled.  2.  Your ex is an exceptionally lousy liar.  Of course she had to say something to the other mother.  All she had to do was continue the original lie.  3.  Considering that this was tied to cutting you out of shared time with your daughter, why would she mention it?

This is going to impact your child in ways you haven't even thought of yet.

My youngest is 10.  My ex and I are also the parents of an almost 17 yr old son, and girls 25 and almost 22.  There is a grandaughter, and another one on the way.  I took care of all parent teacher conferences.  Their father never showed.  We never attended back to school nights.  Forget about spaghetti dinners.  I attended most of the plays and sing a long programs.  Their father did attend graduation functions, except for the almost 22 yr old's.  His mom showed up.  If you put a gun to the man's head, he couldn't recall any of the big kids teachers.  In 1999, I took the youngest down here to stay with my mom, who was ill.  My ex went to his son's IEP meeting and the result was that he was mainstreamed into regular classes.  The boy is intelligent, but had severe behavior problems since he was in diapers.  I could wallpaper the house from the ceiling to the floor with all the paperwork he generated.  What did dad do?  He yelled at a teacher over the phone because she called regarding a fist fight my son was in.  I still remember wanting to fall through the floor out of embarassment.  I believe he was in 4th grade at the time.

Sorry, I'll get to the point.  My ex filed first to justify the lies he told about the reasons for the divorce.  However, he gave me sole physical custody.  My attorney, who worked on a sliding scale for a domestic violence shelter, was shocked when she worked out a visitation plan.  He didn't want very much time at all.  He was quiet for a couple of years, besides trying to screw up Christmas as usual.  Then after all the women he went through (my kids were disgusted-I never met any of them), he found his enabler.  She's a school teacher.  The first thing she did was call CPS on us in September 2002.  The case was closed, and I was advised to seek legal advice against my ex.  Then I was informed that my ex was demanding to obtain access to my son and daughter's school records.  I saw the letter.  It was all in caps.  Well of course I trotted over to their schools with the court order stating that he had 50/50 legal, and to please box up every bit of paperwork to send to him.

I'm not sure what happened to my youngest after that.  I don't know if it was the humiliation of being interviewed by a CPS worker at school, or if her father and stepmother were working her, but she didn't want to go to school anymore.  Last year, she developed insomnia and vomited when it was time to go to school.  She missed something like 72 days.  Until the above mentioned events took place, she was a good student and hardly missed any days.  She and her brother are being homeschooled through the local school district where we've moved.  Actually, we haven't officially moved yet, but it's better that they're up there for the start of the school year.  they called CPS on us again in August.  I posted the situation on the Father's Board.

Aussie, always remember that humiliation factor.  I sincerely applaud you for wanting to be involved in your little girl's life.  I understand that you have rights to be involved, but you're dealing with a vindictive(to say the least) person.  I'm sure if she wasn't like that, you wouldn't be here.  You'd both be blissfully eating spaghetti together, with your little one.  

I'm sure there is a way that you can equally participate in your girl's activities without causing the child undue embarassment.  Imo, this child's mother is a self centered, hateful bitch.  As long as you avoid any personal contact with this woman, there should be no problem with you both being at any function.  

I have 8 yrs of hell ahead of me....you have 13.

[nosonew]

Aussie, I know you are sick of her crap, her comments, her accusations, her hubby/bf/whatever, and  there are going to be times when you "lose it", which you almost did at the soccer game.  Although you didn't initiate conversation, you did REACT to it...which is likely what she wanted.  Her raising her voice when calling you a pedophile is classic, to do this with your dtr present, is horrid, however, you daughter likely hears her say that a hundred times per day.  It is her friends and the parents hearing it that will cause her pain even though she knows it is not true.   I am sure you had to bite your tongue to not raise your voice and say, "YOU WERE DIAGNOSED SCHITZO..." or something to that effect...which would have hurt no one but your child (which is likely why you didn't).

I believe they should not have approached you verbally about anything...it is obvious to me they were trying to get you riled up.  And your daughter is put in the middle, regardless of who starts it.  You do have to continue to be the "better person" in this....as much as you are getting tired of being the punching bag...

So, go to all events as you normally would, do not interact with her at all, if they interact with you, do not REACT, just walk away.  If either so much as touches you, call the cops.

Fingers and toes crossed hoping the judge makes a decision quickly!

[aussierules]

I am sick of her comments. I am just about at breaking point. Today when I picked up my little girl mum arrived with her with a set of stereo headphones on. She refused to listen to me - I was asking a question about where some of her school supplies were. My child said that mum put the headphones on just ahead of pulling into the parking lot so that she did not have to listen to me. What kind of bizarre examples does that set? During the course of the next hour my child stated:

1. Mum was going to pull her out of the soccer team I was coaching and have her put into another team. My little girl was upset and told mum she wanted to play on daddy's team. If we lose a child we may not be able to play the games and that would hurt all the kids not just mine. I do not know how mum can think this in good conscience even if she does want to hurt me.

2. Mum told my child that I was trying to take her away from mum. It may be true but why bring her into the mix? I make a point of not even discussing the legal matters. I always tell my daughter she will have her mum AND her dad.

3. Mum said they cannot sell their house because they cannot afford the moving truck. This is clearly in response to the decision by Judge XXXX that the house must be sold but 100% of the net proceeds will be held in escrow. I have not seen my child since that decision was made so it is clear where that is coming from.

I hope I did not misinform but my child was already in mum and SF's truck so she could not hear what mum was saying. I had nowhere to go as she was standing in front of me and I could not easily get around her. I did not want to push past or the police might get called. You all know how that works. My child has asked me before what a criminal and a pedophile are. The therapist and GAL seem quite content to ignore it even though my daughter has disclosed it in session without me being there. Bloody outrageous.

I think when mum said I would be lucky to see my daughter because of what transpired at trial as she projected her own concerns on to me. I think she is misguided and confused due to her disease. You are right when you say I reacted because I get sick of hearing the pedophile thing and in such a public place with so many kids around.  All I said to her that I probably should not have was that I know this is your illness talking and I want you to get some help. True but probably would have been better not to be said.

AUSSIE OUT