I desperately need honest advice and opinions about my son....

[imajerseygirl]

I tend to be a little wordy (HUGE understatement lol), but I will try to be as brief as I can be..please bear with me....

My ex has full physical custody of my 5 year old son.  He is a wonderful father and has very supportive parents, and siblings.  My son also has many cousins who he is very close with.  I chose to leave my son and his dad in our home thinking it was best for my child, and since I was inititiating the divorce, I didn't want my ex to have to move, I didn't think it was fair.  So, I moved out and into my own house.  We split up custody for a while.  It seemed to be a mish-mosh of days and nights for each of us.  I worked crazy hours and I felt even though my son had us both equally in his life, it was fairly unstable.  I chose to move about an hour from them and see him every other weekend/holidays, etc..  Understand too, that I have absolutely no family here in this state.  My husband was my only family.  This is why I chose to give physical custody to my ex.  My son is still surrounded by his friends, wouldn't have to change his pre school, and has a huge loving supportive family.  This was not and is not easy for me by any means.  I love my son more than life itself, but I want him to have a stable, ssecure life.  I feel that all I can give him is me, when my ex can offer a huge family, etc.  which is something I never ever had.  I had the worst childhood.

I am having HUGE emotional problems right now....I am VERY depressed and have discovered that I am hugely co dependent, which I am working on.  I have had 2 failed marriages (I'm only 33) and am in a crappy relationship now.  I need help and realize this.  I have no money, no job and not even a car due to my depression and codependency on everyone.  My sister, dad and lots of relatives live in FL (I'm in PA).  They are urging me to come down for a few months, work, save a little cash, buy a car and get back onto my feet.  I want to go SO bad!  I want my family (as dysfunctional as they are/were-I still love them).  I have no one here...I am alone.  My question is...Do I go????  I know I am probably no good to my little boy like this.  I even sort of contemplated suicide, but I would never do that to my son...I grew up without my mom, I wouldn't subject my son to that.  I would miss my son more than anything, but it would help me get my life in order as it is in absolute shambles right now.  I would love nothing more than to take my little guy and move to FL with my family, but I wouldn't ever take my boy from his dad..he is a good father, and my son adores him.  Do I go for a few months to straighten out my life?  Would this harm my son to leave for a while?  We have a wonderful relationship and I know he loves me very very much and would miss me terribly.

Should I go?  Would this affect my son negatively?  What do I tell him if I leave for a few months?

Thanks for whoever made it this far.....I know this is long, but it is so complicated....

Thank you for any advice you may give

Cathy

[msme]

First let me commend you for putting your child first. That is a very hard thing to do. If you think that going home will improve your life for years to come, then do it. If you get some help, now, you will be able to be a better mom, later.

I would look at the parenting plans on this site & refine one to work for you. Long distance visitation isn't the worst thing in the world. Make it temporary, to be revisited in 6 months, at which time it can either be replaced by the old plan or extended for another 6 months. Make sure you include plans for him to visit you in FL, if possible.

Be sure to file whatever plan you work out with his dad, with the court so that you do not find yourself in trouble for abandonment.

As far as telling him, be honest with him. Children are much more aware of what is going on than folks give them credit for. Tell him that things are not going well for you right now & Grandma & Grandpa have offered to let you stay with them while you recover.

Tell him that you will miss him something awful but you will call & write. Give him some self addressed, stamped postcards & tell him that he can write to you, too, with daddy's help.

Thank God that you have the awareness & the courage to know what you need. I would give anything to hear my son's ex-wife say that she was going to get some help, instead of continuing to hurt the kids.

Good luck & God bless

You never get a second chance to make a first impression!

[Kitty C.]

Congratulations on acknowledging that which many would choose to ignore.  It's the first step in getting help.

I've been where you're at, tho not to the degree you are in.  And while your reasons for wanting to go back to FL are worthy, I suggest you seriously contemplate this.  First of all, I can GUARANTEE you that it's going to take more than a few months to get on your feet.  Second, you say that they're 'dysfunctional' - love notwithstanding - and with you being severely co-dependant, what's to say that you don't get into an ever bigger rut by staying with them.  Isn't doing that perpetuating the co-dependency?

Regardless, whatever time you take now to get your life together, no matter where you do it, will have positive effects on your son in the long run.  You still run the risk of the father using this as a means to get you  out of your son's life......it's happened before and even a good relationship with exes doesn't guarantee anything.  But no matter what happens, getting yourself together can only be positive for your son.

Shortly after I got DS back after his dad had taken off with him, I enrolled in an EMS course, offered 2 nights a week for 8 weeks, from 6 to 9 pm.  My brother and SIL lambasted me for not spending more time with DS, as that's what they felt he needed then.  DS would spend those evenings with my mom and I would sometimes pick him up asleep.  But one night he wasn't and asked me what I'd 'learned in school' that night (he thought it was 'cool' that Mommy and him were both in school, he was only 5).  I told him in terms that he could understand, then all of a sudden he said 'Mommy, I think when I grow up, I want to be a paramedic.'  After that, NO ONE could tell me that anything I did good for me wasn't good for him!

But you have a LOT of work ahead of you......for YOU, not your son.  I HIGHLY recommend a series of books by Melodie Beatty, the first called 'Co-Dependent No More'.....if you can't buy them, check them out at the library.   And I also understand the mindset.  This might sound like a VERY old cliche, but it is SO true.  Instead of thinking about what you DON'T have, remind yourself of what you DO have.  The determination to make a better life for yourself.  The determination to heal yourself.  A beautiful son who loves you dearly.  And many other things, I'm sure.  

I gave birth to DS 1800 miles away from everything and everybody that I knew.  I was a fish out of water in the environment I was in.   I eventually came back to my home state with DS, but it was NOT because I had family here to help me.  It was because I knew what kind of childhood and education I had and wanted to at least try to give him some of that.  I actually sacrificed a good paying job with a promotion in the wings to take a severe cut in pay and to live with relatives till we got on our feet.  And that took over 9 months.  When you start out on this journey, make sure you have specific goals in mind, but I strongly recommend that you DON'T put a deadline on them........because you could be very easily disappointed, something you certainly don't need in what you're going thru.  

Do you absolutely know NO ONE where you are, other than your ex and son?  I'm sure you do, unless you've been hiding every since you got there.  What I recommend you do is what I did.  When I contemplated the move, I made two lists.......One was reasons to stay and one was reasons to leave.  The list of reasons to stay only had ONE item:  my job.  The other list I finally had to drop because it was way too long!  When you make this list, you must consider your dysfunctional family and your co-dependent role in it as a reason TO STAY.  No one knows what the future holds, but if past behaviors is the best predictor of the future, what do you honestly think will happen if you go back?  Will you be strong enough to get thru it and get back on your feet?  Something to seriously consider.

As for resources in your area, you haven't exhausted them until you absolutely have no place else you can go to.  If you live in a somewhat metro area, there are resources galore.  Have you checked out your church of faith?  They can be a wonderful resource, even if it's just a starting point they can point you to other resources.

I know this is long and I do not mean to sound condenscending and apologize if it does, that is not my intention.  But having gone thru some of what you're dealing with, I learned that I had to face MANY things within myself, and ALL of it was uncomfortable.  I was a doormat before.  Not anymore!  And if I can do it, I KNOW you can!  But do NOT do it for your son, ONLY for you.  Because if you don't take care of YOU, how can you take care of him?

And like I said, I'm not a professional, just someone who's been close to in your shoes.

[Bolivar]

You do have a tough problem.  There is no quick & easy solution.

From your post AND reading between the lines, you are living at your new boyfriend(s) place and he is supporting you.

I would do what is necessary to deal with your depression.

If you are drinking or taking drugs STOP immediately!!!!  Even a drink or two a day is VERY unhealthy for a person experiencing depression.


Perhaps professional consoling in your current area?

However, if you feel moving to FL to be with family would help your mental state, by all means do that.  Use "msme" plain of action to reestablish the visitation issues.

If you are too depressed,, and Dad are you are on good terms,, let him draw up the visitation plains.

From what I understand about deep depression is it is like a disease.  It can get progressively worse over time.  Like any disease the longer it goes untreated the more difficult it is to cure the problem.

Child(ren) need both, a health Mom and Dad!!!

Priority number one is getting emotional help.

Good luck and God bless.