piano PAS

[antonin]

I have 50/50 custody. About 9 months ago, I enrolled 9-year old daughter in piano lessons. For 4 months, I took her to those lessons, even during the weeks she stayed with Ex.

I devised a system to help daughter learn the piano. While I do not play the piano, I know enough about music to figure out the notes and the fingering. I also have a computer program with which I scan the music: the computer plays the music back the way it should sound. I used flash cards and worked hard on my daughter's theory work book with her, etc.

Things went well. On my weeks, I would have daughter practice for 10-15 min 4-5 times a week.  I would sit with her and make sure she had the right notes, fingering, playing position, etc.

Mother knows nothing about music and made no attempt to learn enough to help daughter. Mother's approach was to let daughter practice by herself and did not initiate regular practice times. When daughter would return from mother's, I found myself frantically helping daughter catch up so she would be ready for her lesson.

In May, daughter had first recital: it went well. She really seemed to be enjoying herself.

At the beginning of the school year, daughter began to throw fits and show resistance when I would initiate practice. She said I was pressuring her and did not want to study the piano any more.

I tried to talk this out with her mother. Her response was that I should let daughter alone and daughter should practice when she wants. There is no way my daughter could be ready for her weekly lessons without regular and monitored practice. The piano is not learned through osmosis.

Today mother is going to piano teacher and is going to blame my daughter's frustration on me. This is spilling over into other activities: I will initiate an activity and ask mother if it is okay. Mother says okay; daughter says okay. Lets say it's skating lessons. Once the lessons starts, mother tells daughter I have initiated the lessons to take time away from daughter's time with mother. Eventually daughter resents me and refuses to go. Mother also berates my efforts in front of daughter. Last night, she referred to those "stupid skating lessons" in front of my daughter.

There is another wrinkle here. I have agreed to pay mother full child support (even though I have 50/50) for 3 years as well as 860.00 a month alimony. She nets about 1900.00 a month from me and does not work. (Occasionally she paints a picture and sells it on E-Bay). But she has had no consistent employment since she filled for divorce in 01. When the 3 years are up, her income from me will be 500.00 a month. She was supposed to use the alimony to go to school, but did not.

I believe she is setting me up so she can file for full custody and maybe even a deviation from the FOC guidelines.  She is creating a scenario wherein I am the bad guy, the heavy, the bully. She is creating witnesses (the music teacher).

This personality pattern was evident when we were married. No matter what goal or activity I initiated for our family, she would undermine and destroy it She has this do your own thing attitude and is teaching it to our daughter. Ex is 38 years old and has accomplished nothing. She worked on a BA degree for 15 years (she did not work in our marriage) and did not finish. Her mother is the same way: dependant on others. I fear my daughter will not self actualize and end up like her mother and grand mother.


My reaction at this point is that daughter should not continue the piano lessons as she stated to both parents she did not want to. However, mother is presenting a spin to piano teacher that paints me as the one who is stopping the lessons.

My daughter has successfully completed skiing, swimming, dance, horseback riding lessons that I have initiated and supervised. She has enjoyed them. Now, I am fearful of initiating anything new, since she will accuse me of impinging on time with daughter.

I am trying to find things that daughter can do without using mother's time, but it is hard: most stuff requires weekly commitment.

I am sure you are well aware of the old FOC attitude that when 2 parents cannot get along in 50/50, custody goes to mom. This is what I am afraid of.

Any ideas about this?

[Kitty C.]

....and leaving the ex out of the equation for a moment, I think you should probably back off for right now, Dad.  But you do need to have a talk with the piano teacher as well.  As for your daughter deciding to quit, that ought to be a decision between her and her instructor, unless for financial reasons the parents are unable to continue.

As for everything else, all you can do is suggest.  I learned that the hard way with DS.  He put it to me VERY plainly 'Mom, is that what you want me to do or what YOU want to do?'  He's almost blunt to a fault, LOL!  So ever since, I throw something out there and see if he's interested.  If he is, he has a minimum time he MUST stay in it before he can arbitrarily quit:  2 years for higher priced activities and one year for anything else.  I spent WAY too much money on a musical instrument, only to have him play for only one year.  Won't happen again!

I did go back on this just one time, when I wanted him to take confirmation classes.  I compared it to anything else he could get involved in and decided that it merited intervention because of it's long-lasting effects.  We've finally worked out a possible one-on-one class schedule with our pastor for next spring.

DS has recently shown interest in CAP/Civil Air Patrol, which I am all for.  But HE has to show the initiative to join, I will not push him to it.  It must be what HE wants to do, bottom line.  DS has a tendency to ping-pong between interests, so until he is absolutely insistent in his desire, I will not remind, suggest, or push the issue.  All I can do is expose him to as much as possible and hope that he takes a serious interest in it.

As for the BM, you need to be backing yourself up with any teachers and instructors.  Without information from you, they can only come to their own conclusions, most of it based on what the BM said.  Reiterate to them all that you depend on them to make sure that this is what your daughter desires, as they would be able to tell much easier while your daughter is involved with them than you can.   There have been many instructors who have told many a parent that they feel they are wasting their money on lessons, because the desire of the child just isn't there.

Bottom line:  when it stops being fun, that's the time to quit.

[Stepmomnow]

I have to admit, we are on the other end of this one.  BM has SS in music lessons for the second year in a row.  We went through one year of practicing 6 nights a week for 15 minutes and him asking "Am I done yet?" every two minutes.  He claims to like it, but we think it is because his mother tells him he has to do it, because he certainly does not act as if he likes it.

We told him this year that we would suggest that he practice, but that if he wanted to do this, he has to practice himself: we would not make him.  He has practiced twice at our house since the beginning of the school year.

Frankly, I do not know why you want to put your daughter in so many activites.  I would question whether it was for your daughter's sake or whether you are trying to prove something about yourself.  I know in our case, BM wants to show that she is mommy of the year, and thinks people will admire her because she makes him play an instrument.

[msme]

>My daughter has successfully completed skiing, swimming, dance,<
>horseback riding lessons that I have initiated and supervised. She< >has enjoyed them.<

That is a lot for a 9 year old to "do". Perhaps as her sense of self is
developing, it is time to back off the lessons & just let her be a kid.
There are lots of things that the 2 of you can do together that do not
require lessons & practice.

A visit to a craft store should open lots of doors. Michaels has a kids
project class on a lot of Saturdays. Or let her choose something that
she would like to learn how to do & the two of you work on it together,
at your leisure with no completion time set.

Childhood is a time for just learning to live in this big scarey world.
Not everything needs to be learned by taking lessons. Come spring,
start bike riding together. Find a place on the map & try to build up your
stamina to be able to ride there for an outing or even a long weekend.
Just remember that the goal has to be attainable for her, not you.

You never get a second chance to make a first impression!

[msme]

>My daughter has successfully completed skiing, swimming, dance,<
>horseback riding lessons that I have initiated and supervised. She< >has enjoyed them.<

That is a lot for a 9 year old to "do". Perhaps as her sense of self is
developing, it is time to back off the lessons & just let her be a kid.
There are lots of things that the 2 of you can do together that do not
require lessons & practice.

A visit to a craft store should open lots of doors. Michaels has a kids
project class on a lot of Saturdays. Or let her choose something that
she would like to learn how to do & the two of you work on it together,
at your leisure with no completion time set.

Childhood is a time for just learning to live in this big scarey world.
Not everything needs to be learned by taking lessons. Come spring,
start bike riding together. Find a place on the map & try to build up your
stamina to be able to ride there for an outing or even a long weekend.
Just remember that the goal has to be attainable for her, not you.

You never get a second chance to make a first impression!