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Started by lookinnomore, Nov 28, 2004, 07:40:12 PM

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lookinnomore

Ok....

After much apprehension on whether to let the boys go to moms for the holiday, they went.

She NCM called tonight 2 hours before bringing the boys home, and informs CF that she has called the police on their oldest son.  Her side is, their two children had a fight while playing X-Box, and the oldest, hit the youngest with the controller.  She informs dad that the youngest has a black eye.  Some how in discipline, which she (mom) says she doesn't have to explain to dad, there became a struggle and the oldest son pushed his mother.  She called the police on him for assult.  No, she didn't press charges.  Seems as though through the problem with mom, step dad, (moms husband) got involved and physically put son in the corner.  Seems odd she who is asking for a change of custody can't handle a 4 day weekend.

Mom also informs dad, that the oldest boy has a problem with her other two children, who were borne of the marriage, but are not from the same father. GO FIGURE.  Dad told her to talk to son about that, he can't control how the son deals with her other children, as she (mom) doesn't allow him to have any contact with the other children anymore.

I know, yes there is a question here.  We have already been to social service interview how can we leak this to the case worker without looking like we are telling which I guess we are but come on, she called the police on her son, yet didn't press charges, what is she doing?  How do we use this to our benefit? Does that sound bad?

For the record, youngest had no black eye, no bruise, no red spot no nothing.  We did inquire as to what had happened.  Oldest wasn't talking we didn't press real hard youngest said it was no big deal between him and his brother.  Fight over X box, mom "wigged" out.  Dad did council oldest that hitting, and pushing are wrong to anyone most of all to a woman, and WORST of all to mom.  Dad discussed other ways to handle his anger.

shawneetears

Sounds like mom did go overboard and I would worry about her ability to handle them full time as well.  Dad seems to have done a fine job from his end.  As to "telling", well I doubt it will do much good with the social service folks but it is certainly valid to bring it up if this all goes to court.....it is a valid concern that she can't seem to handle their mutual children and can't seem to address issues between them and their half siblings even over a weekend but expects your DH to do it. (that much of this you can ask social services about.....if you happen to mention that the half siblings were from the marraige with different fathers while explaining the situation that won't hurt you, but stick to your concerns....  possible overzealous discipline? (however you wish to word it) Wont hurt to get a copy of the police report or have a talk with the officer, get his/her impression of the situation. You can tell him/her that you seem to be getting mixed stories, and he/she can tell you if the younder son's eye was reddened or swollen.  It would be a good idea to touch base just in case. (you might well be able to find out if the police have ever been to the residence for any other reasons....police have long memories  when it comes to "frequent flyers" and really frown on domestic disturbances)
You didn't mention the ages of the children, but if S.dad "put" son in corner then child couldn't be very old.
In court if there is no serious defect in either side's parenting skills it will often come down to what the children want.  But, discord between siblings can swing the decision..... if mom has two children (no matter the source) and they have two together, and the two sets do not get along very well or one of hers is a "problem child" (I really hate that term ya know) then the court may find that it would be better to keep your children out of that potentially volatile situation so that she will be better ablt to focus attention to the "problem child".
Just be sure to keep it all in your journal.  This is just a suggestion but, maybe even send a note to mom expressing concerns and ask her what she believes the best solution to be?  The note is more to show willingness to cooperate and work together to parent the children, it is not meant to antagonize and should not assign any blame, if you are going to send one, then keep it neutral.
I hope that all makes some sense....it's rather early in the morning and me without my coffee...oy vey!
Hope this helps.


wish you all the best life has to offer!  :)

lookinnomore

said child placed in the corner is 13.  He, the 13 yo old runs hot and cold on where he wants to live.  Youngest who is 11, is good where he is just wishes he could spend more time with mom.  The boys have been with us for 4 almost 5 years.  Mom has had only her eow visits, no school functions, no sports, just eow.

The 4 kids born of this marriage were split when it came out that they were not all 4 from the same father.  She kept the two that weren't his, gave him the two that were his.  The children have grown apart through the years of not being raised together on a daily basis.  She has never discussed with either of his children the fact that they are not all from the same father, yet all the kids know it.  The few times the oldest has tried to talk about it, mom has told him she doesn't owe him answers about her personal life.  I do believe the oldest has drawn lines in the sane between him and her other two children.  I have suggested a counselor, dad nor mom have moved in that direction.  Dad thinks its not his problem.

Do you think a  copy of that police report be obtained since it involved a juvenille?

shawneetears

As father of the juvenile, Dh has the right to a copy...provided one was written.  The call would have been recorded by 911 central communications so that tape can be subpeonaed if the office is not willing to give you a copy or a transcript.
Dad is wrong...if it involves his children it is his problem.  I can understand him being pissed about the circumstances and even holding a grudge against mom (though that certainly isn't healthy) but the children are innocent.
13 year olds are known to run hot and cold, so are 11 year olds, especially when they get promised things they want if they cooperate....it will be a touchy subject and the court may still do whatever the kids want.  But if you can show that the new environment is unhealthy  and a change to the new environment would be detrimental to the children, then you should have a shot.  
As  one person remarked, it's pretty much a crap shoot. (paraphrased) Case in point.....I lost custody of my girls for two reasons... one, it was what they told the judge they wanted (they were promised a whole bunch of stuff that I wouldnt' agree to) and two, I have a son by a different marraige that has ADHD and the judge (in his infinite wisdom) felt that I needed to be able to focus my attention on him and his sister rather than on four children.  He stated very emphatically that there was absolutely nothing wrong with my parenting skills.  So you see, it isn't always a question of who is a better parent or if the NCP is involved in anything but weekend visits (till the case began that is all he did).
More is afoot than just having different fathers.  IMHO, No matter who the father is, they are all from the same mother and should be treated as siblings.  Be aware of conversations that take place around the children, you know the ones where they really aren't involved but are able to overhear.  If Dh is irritated with BM or voices his opinion that since the kids aren't his it is not his problem, this will affect the children.  They may see having a relationship with those children as being disloyal to Dad... For your part, if it wont' cause further problems you might consider taking the children out for pizza or something, and seeing if you can get BM to let the half siblings tag along.  She might agree if Dh is not going to be present...If she agrees then you might get to see what is going on with the two sets of chldren.  This is a suggestion only, you know your situation best and what can or can't be tolerated.
Though old evidence is generally not allowed to be reintroduced in court, you can relate the fact of the other children being born of the marraige but having different fathers in order to show that there continues to be partiality on the part of the mother.  
I feel that BM is taking a wrong approach with the 13yo...if he's old enough to ask questions then he's old enough to get answers of some kind...though some of it is truly none of his business and mom does not have to justify her personal choices she could surely state that sometimes people don't make the best of choices and what is done is done but that they are ALL her children and that makes them no different in her eyes.   (hmmm....I think maybe I need clear lenses rather than these rose colored ones...lol)
I guess I just keep hoping for the best out of people. In my head I know that in a custody battle there is rarely anything "nice" about it....otherwise it wouldn't be battle huh?  

wish you all the best life has to offer!  :)