Update and Questions

[KBDad]

Ok here is the update on the situation.
For those fo you that did not read my previous posts. I have a 3 and a half year old son and am obviously fighting for custody. I live in PA and in PA we have to go through conciliation before anything else can happen. I have been doing as much as I can think of to prove how my ex really is. I just dont know if it will be enough when conciliation happens. As of now I have documented that my ex was not with our son at times during the weeks she had him, documentation of swearing and derrogatory statements made by her to me in front of our son, she is refusing to let me have him Christmas even though she is jewish (Im not) just because I wouldnt let her have him halloween, I have documented every phone conversation we have had but it is not recorded since it is illegal in PA, our son was in the emergency room twice during her week and I didn't find out about it until days later, she has our son in daycare during the week she has him and picks him up between 3-5pm even though she gets off of work at 1 and also has him in daycare on her day off. The daycare she has him in will not give me any information about my son even though we both have joint legal and physical custody of him. This bouncing back and forth week on week off is really emotionally messing my son up. My ex wasnt around much at all the first 2 and a half years of my sons life and when she was around she didnt take care of him like she should unfortunately there is no proof of this. I have no problem letting her see him if I would get majoral or sole custody of him but my son doesnt trust her and doesnt like her. He has said that for years even when we were married. It breaks my heart to send him to her every week when every week he is telling me daddy I dont want to go. I should be having a conciliation sometime this month and just dont know what else I should be doing. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
Thank you

[shawneetears]

Ok, I'm going to play devils advocat for a bit and ask you some questions....I am NOT taking a side or in anyway saying you are wrong and she is right and that it isn't any of your business... obviously you love your son and it IS your business, but you are emotionally involded and sometimes we don't see the whole picture or possible problems.  That said:

> I have been doing as much as I can think of to prove how my ex really is.
      You need to shift your focus a bit... you need to convince the judge why YOU would be the best choice for primary care takes.  Yes, you need to come up with specific things that show that she is falling down on the job, but you also need specific things that show that you have taken more responsibility and are more involved that the average NCP (no offense to anyone)/

>I just dont know if it will be enough when conciliation
>happens.

     What does conciliation have to do with proving her unworthy? (am curious as here that process is mediation and supposedly a  meeting to try to reach an agreement between parties)

 As of now I have documented that my ex was not with our son at times during the weeks she had him
      Ok but why wasn't she with him, what was she doing....if it wasn't illegal or (at least here in the bible belt) immoral AND if she had provided an appropriat babysitter then it's unlikely that's going to draw up any red flags....now show that she only spends 10 hours actually caring for him in a week and you'll have something.

>documentation of swearing and derrogatory statements made by her to me in front of our son
       Ok but what were you doing and is it just your word against hers or were there witnesses that are friendly to your case....."people lie in court" (socrateaser)  and judges are aware of that....  but if you have witnesses that can testify that she cusses in front of the child all the time (even when you aren't there) and those  that can verify that you never do...well, he/she might pay attention.

> she is refusing to let me have him Christmas even though she is jewish (Im not) just because I wouldnt let her have him halloween
          What are the visitation guidelines?  If they do not say you can have him christmas, for now you will have to work on trying to change her mind; if they DO say you are to have him Christmas then have a talk with the magistrate or sherrif, have a talk with her and if she still balks even though it states in the visitation order that you are supposed to have him for christmas then tell her that if she disobeys the order you will bring her up on contempt charges...if she still won't, try to do the best you can to work with the sheriff and if it STILL doesn't pan out....follow through and bring her up on contempt charges.... I am hoping that she will have come to her senses and realized that spiteful retaliation isn't healthy but then I have some rose colored glasses :)

> I have documented every phone
conversation we have had but it is not recorded since it is
>illegal in PA
     GOOD....keep on doing this...can't hurt and if it is consistant chances are the judge will allow it.

> our son was in the emergency room twice during
>her week
        What for?  Was he seriously ill or was she using the ER rather than a regular doctor.  Does he have a regular doctor? insurance?....  could you provide these if he was staying with you or part of support had to be set aside for this?  You have to show she was being irresponsible.

>and I didn't find out about it until days later
       The best you will get out of this is an order stating that she is to notify you within a specified amount of time or face contempt charges...and you will simply have to follow through.

> she has our son in daycare during the week she has him and picks
>him up between 3-5pm even though she gets off of work at 1 and
>also has him in daycare on her day off.
     This isn't going to carry alot of weight since the daycare is already paid for and at 3.5 she can argue that the socialization is going to help prepare him for school.

>The daycare she has him in will not give me any information about my son even though we both have joint legal and physical custody of him.

You will have to address this with the daycare...or bring it up in court and the judge will adivse her to address this with the day care so that you are provided the information.

>This bouncing back and forth week on week off is really
emotionally messing my son up.

Do you have a professional that says this or is it simply your opinion...if you have a professional then what is their recommendation.....  they usually want to stay neutral so it might bite you in the but if all they recommend is that they stay with one parent.

My ex wasnt around much at all
the first 2 and a half years of my sons life and when she was
around she didnt take care of him like she should
>unfortunately there is no proof of this. <<< and that is why no matter how frustrated it makes you it won't do any good to bring it up....get some proof.

 I have no problem letting her see him if I would get majoral or sole custody of him but my son doesnt trust her and doesnt like her. He has
said that for years even when we were married.
     It is good that you are willing to be cooperative but I personally don't see enough here that would get you sole custody....you want Primary physical custody and spell out the visitation....  

It breaks my heart to send him to her every week when every week he is telling me daddy I dont want to go.

Seperation anxiety is common at this age and it is unlikely that a judge will give the wishes of a child this young much weight.... but if you believe he might tell a judge something about his fears about his mom then he could be asked to talk to the judge in chamber....however...I am NOT advocating this at all.... my own opinion is to keep him out of it as much as possible....get that information from a mental health professional if you must have it to prove that he is afraid of his mother...just be careful .

I should be having a conciliation sometime this month and just dont know what else I should be doing. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Just love your son, spend all the time with him you can, stay involved and above all dont' have any altercations with his mother.

Phew......that was long.  I hope it helps some....if nothing else to make you think.....  I don't want to discourage you at all.  Just be specific and put your son's best interest first and the judge should see this.

I hope things work out well for all of you.




wish you all the best life has to offer!  :)

[KBDad]

Yes the information you gave does put a different perspective on things. I dont mean to come across as not showing why I am the better parent here. Its just that I was always the one taking primary care of him even when me and my ex lived together. I do put my whole heart and soul into raising my son I always have. That's not something Im worried about. Im not worried if there is a custody evaluation because me and my son have a bond that she could never match. As far as the emergency room visits my son dislocated his elbow twice in her care in the same week. Yes it was an emergency and there is already something in the court order that says I am supposed to be notified as soon as possible which wasn't done. I know my ex and good she is at lying her way out of situations.  That is why I just want to make sure that I can get things to disprove accounts that she will make. But thank you for your advice and it definitely did give a different approach on the situation. And don't worry there isnt anything in this world that will keep me from fighting for my son.

[shawneetears]

KBDad,

I can tell you care very much for your son.  As I said, I was playing devil's advocate....from what I have seen, judges tend to not want to upset the status quo without compelling reason.  I do find it odd for a child to dislocate his elbow twice in one week....  If I remember correctly the child is under 5... which means the bones in the elbow are not completely formed....  dislocations are not unusual but are generally caused by being pulled out of place.... sometimes it is accidental...but twice in one week?  As a medical professional I would be suspicious and want to know more..... get the medical records if you can (you should be able to).  Not only are the signs and symptoms listed but often the "story" as told by the patient or in this case mother.  Did she go to the same hospital or was she "doctor shopping"?  Did he get any medicine and if so what kind? (generally you don't give a child with this injury anything stronger than tylenol or ibuprophen)  Did they give the child a splint or sling...especially after the second episode... and did the mom have him use it (it is her responsibility not his and saying "he wont' wear it" won't be looked on kindly by the judge).... You seem and intelligent and caring father, I am sure you have thought of most of this already.  Gather data on how often this child ends up at the doctors. Get his history of medications....even if you have to call all of the doctors and pharmacies in the area to find it.
As for defense....try to think of anything that she might accuse you of and be ready to prove (think witnesses that are highly credible) she's either lying or telling only a part of the story to try to make you look bad.  
I wish you and your son all the best.


wish you all the best life has to offer!  :)