Dilemma - request for advice (long)

[dsm]

Don't word it that you are exercising the ROFR that is in the order.  You need to take advantage (YES) of the ground that you have gained with how she is being civil right now.  Use that.  Use her needing to be in the hospital, go to appointments, therapy, etc and say that you want to help her out so that she doesn't have to worry about taking care of your DD at the same time as doing all of these things.   Be sweet as you can - when you talk to her, tell her that you can tell that she is tired/worn out/etc - ask what does she need help with?  If she needs some errand run, ask if you can help her out and take DD with you.  I realize that it may appear that you become a door mat, but what you are doing is gaining very important ground - documentation ability - and most importantly - TIME WITH YOUR DAUGHTER.  It will also give your daughter a foundation to build from that you were there to help out - not to fight with her mom.  And that will go a long long way.  

Does that make sense?  Don't get technical with the wording - just keep requesting more time.  For the break that is coming up, I'm sure her mom will want to spend some time with her - and your daughter with her mom and gma too.  Can you see a way that would allow most of the time to be with you, but allow the compromise to be there for the sake of your daughter having time with her mom and gma too?  

Good luck!

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dsm - 34
DH - 37
SD - 15
LO - 9
BB - 19 months
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2 Cheap Entertainment cats - Snoop & Dagger - 5 years and counting.....

[dsm]

My opinion from what this poster has put out here for us, is that he needs to get some solid ground to build from first.  By all means, it would be best if the mom could separate herself from this 'ownership' mentality and be up front with this dad and allow things to change without a fight.  But from what I read, I don't think that is a reality here.  I think he needs to use some kid-gloves and be Mr. Nice Guy right now - give his daughter something to hold on to that she will be able to look at to know that her dad isn't a bad guy like she has been told.  He is gaining ground right now where the gma and mom are being more civil with him.  I'd hate to see him lose that by going too strong too fast.  I think he should try to work with what he has for tools right now - word things carefully so as not to tip her off to his big goal, but stlil stand strong and keep asking for the time.  Each time he gets a denial, it is another piece of ammo to put in his arsenal when the time is right to go in with guns blaring.

We've lived this too.  Before we got custody of my SD almost 3 years ago, we had a 6 hour round trip drive to make.  And her mom fought my DH at every single turn - unless we could make it seem like she was getting something out of it - she's selfish and we had to be a bit deceptive I guess to make it seem as if she were one-upping us.  And sometimes it probably was true that she got the better end of the deal - but then again, we did gain time with SD and that was the most important thing.  Now that we have custody of her, her mother isn't very involved and that has been really difficult for my SD and she is seeing her mom for her true self - without our doing or saying anything to influence that.

It takes time, and it take getting the documentation together, and patience.  
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dsm - 34
DH - 37
SD - 15
LO - 9
BB - 19 months
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2 Cheap Entertainment cats - Snoop & Dagger - 5 years and counting.....

[StPaulieGirl]

Ouch!  That is pain.  No, you shouldn't just take your daughter.  It could be called kidnapping.  I think it would be a great idea for you to help out with taking care of the child.  Perhaps grandma will see that this benefits everyone, because BM is going to be laid up for weeks if not months.  Grandma will have to care for her.  If you live close enough, and your work schedule permits, you could pick the child up after school and help her with her homework, etc.  

You have to convince BM that this is not a ploy on your part to "steal" the child.  Would it be possible for you to visit BM in the hospital, keeping the visit short and on general terms?  She's going to be loaded up on the good drugs, so I don't know if it would get you anywhere.

Good luck!

[MixedBag]

n/m

[Davy]

n/m

[MYSONSDAD]

I have to agree, the custodial grandparents get so much say, where if your the NCP, the grandparents aren't even recognized...

They need to work this out, parent to parent and let granny mind her own business.

>Would it not be great if BM said to BD ... "Can you work with me on an issue concerning DD ? I am hospitalized and incapicitated for the unforseeable future even when I am able to leave the hospital. I believe it would be best for DD to be in your care at least for the remainder of the current school year". No court cost or involvement. No attorney costs. Just a simple and practical agreement between two parents that has already determined by court order that would benefit a child.<

TRUER WORDS WERE NEVER SPOKEN!


I would die of shock if the BM, in my case, even recognized my existence, she thinks she OWNS our son. Another case of walking paycheck, give me your money and leave...

"Children learn what they live"

[MixedBag]

I too think it would be best if mom and dad worked together while she is having medical problems.

And I still don't get Davy's comment that I'm biased.....or that my bias is showing.....I experience all hats, and when I read the post and situation, my main thought was going for custody or starting any kind of a legal battle in the court room right now is just not going to do the father any good.

When a CP becomes ILL, from my experience on the boards, that doesn't mean that the court will recognize a "significant change in circumstances" to warrant a change of custody.  That's what it takes.  Think about the people who have come here and said "Mom has cancer" etc....they never came back and said "Custody changed because the CP has an illness or is incapaciated."

It would be so much better if the Mom and Dad cooperated right now and if the Dad would get more time.  Skip what the grandma is doing -- if that part is so bad, let the Dad go to court and hold the Mom responsible for the grandma's interference.  Bet there's words in the state's codes (like there is for WV) that would hold the mom responsible for the grandma's actions since they co-habitate.  Yep, grandma isn't a party to the divorce, but since they LIVE together under normal circumstances, bet the court would hold mom responsible for grandma's interference and actions.  That's another whole different subject.

Pick and choose your battles wisely in the courtoom.....

[MYSONSDAD]

I was agreeing with the comment made about granny's interference. I also agree that the parents should work this out between the two of them.

Even the fact that the BM lives with granny, does not give her [the granny] parental rights when it comes to the child. This father should be given a chance and opprotunity to take care of the child while the mother is ill.

"Children learn what they live"

[rm1759]

Well, things are not going as well as I had hoped.  BM is still in the hospital.  There was a therapy session scheduled for today (thursday).  I told grandma that I would be taking DD to the session (I have her thursdays anyways, so it will be during my normal time).  BM called today and told me that since she was unable to go to the session, that I couldn't take DD there.  She was going to call and cancel the appt.  I told her that I would still take her to it, and that she doesn't need to worry about that, she just needs to be concerned with getting rest and getting better.  She did cancel the appt, but I called the office and told the Dr. that I would be keeping it.  He agreed that would be the best solution.

Then she went over the christmas parenting time schedule to make sure we were both in agreement with how the time is divided.  Her side of the conversation was not civil, and she told me that I am not to discuss anything with her mother anymore (I'm still confused where this came from).

Needless to say, when I bring it up to her that I want to keep DD for the second week as well, it will NOT go over well.  I will present it nicely and tell her that she needs to concentrate on getting better, and that it is not gma's responsibility, but from past experience I know it will be a HUGE fight.  (She is still very pissed b/c I kept DD for an extra day while hurricane jeanne was coming through our area, and she wanted to drive in it to get DD in the middle of the storm!)

I have spoken with my attorney, and he says that I should just keep DD for that next week, if BM is still incapacitated.  We have it in our agreement that the BM does the pick ups and the end of my parenting time (I drive in the beginning, I got that from this site, I think it was MB that had suggested it at some point, so thanks for that one!), so my basis will be if she's well enough to drive the hour to come get her, she's well enough to take care of her.  In the past I have had no problem with gma picking DD up when BM was busy, and my wife has picked up DD once from her place

I will be Mr. nice guy in talking to her, and tell her that I am only trying to help out, but I know that it won't do any good.  She is convinced that I want to take DD away from her.  

Oh, and as a side note, to one of the previous posters, BM has also been dealing with cancer for 3 years now (in remission, I believe, she does not tell me anything about it), she says her current situation is not related to that (and I think I believe her).  But I am sure this also contributes to her stress about the situation...

Should I start a different thread with this update?

[Davy]

to grandmother's house we go...wouldn't that be great ?!?!  MSD clarifed quite nicely (above) I think.

I was not trying to be pointed.  Just about everybody (including myself) naturally has the mindset that "oh !  everything is great .. gramma there's".  BM certainly counts on gma's presence to deprive DD and BD and the court may have the same view ... all the while BM  and gma team up to insure DD is an emotional basket case (sorry BD).

I think BD is doing a great job.  Let's remember he was not aware of this little girls's existence until she was over 3 years old.  When my DDDDDDD was that age she was definitely Daddy's girl and may be the ONLY reason she is still alive at 35 yo.  

I wander if my son was divorced and incapacitated (hospital or not) and resided with dear ole dad along with his DD.  You better believe it likely that BM would get and keep the child ...no questions asked.  For gawd sakes ... we could never have grampa caring for the DD...sounds like a CPS dream case.  

DO YOU GET IT YET ... I think BD, DD, BM, you and me and everybody should deny gma existence ... think in the long term what is REALLY best for DD ...hell there's schools everywhere.

I encourage BD to continue to be a rock.  Who gives a damn if BM and gma brow beats with trying to take BD away.  BD knows in her heart  and hopefully her mind the truth.