Allegations

[tschadler]

My wife left me 3 weeks ago. Moved in with her mother and father in a different county taking my 2.5 yr. old daughter and four month old son. She did not allow me to see them for over 20 days, stating I would be able to see them when her lawyer contacted me.  I hired a female lawyer, petitioned for an emergency custody hearing and went to court. At the hearing I found out my wife is alleging I have anger issues and have been physically abusive to her and she fears for the childrens safety. I was granted immediate visitation but it is not getting any easier.
I am forced to deal with my in laws who are lunatics.  They make me pick up and drop off the kids (1hr 20min each way) yell at me in front of the kids, etc. I have spoken to 2 lawyers and both tell me, in not so many words, that it's a woman's world and as soon as she said i was abusive, I have pretty much lost. I was never abusive to my children or my wife.  I am about to go to court for full custody. Do I have any chance in hell of getting my kids back or is this a losing battle? Drop me a line for more details and info. I really need advice! Indirectatnetscapedotnet.
Thanks
trevor

[onedaddy]

My DH was in a similar situation.  BM was actually extremely abusive throughout the marriage often in front of the children. She put her foot through their car windshield, kicked a whole in the diningroom wall,  broke a glass christmas ornament on DH's face, etc.  It made for a good case for her in court so she said it was DH who was abusive to her and sometimes she said he did these exact things to her. Since their was no documentation of abusive it was of little help to her at first. So she went so far as to file harrassment charges against him, quite a few. She had her family get in on the act too and DH was falsely arrested 2x.

It took some time, alot of hair pulling and tears shed but here we are the criminal judge realized she lied and completely exonerated DH for the 2nd arrest, we never went to trial the 1st time, stupid on our part.  

We have completed the 2nd day of our custody trial where the GAL is on our side and the forensics evaluator cannot stand BM.  He requested an immediate transfer of custody from BM who he admits fooled him at the beginning but after everything we presented to him realizes she will abuse the system to get her way.  It has been made clear to the judge already that BM prepped her witnesses and they've all lied.
Here's my advise to you:
Bring a tape recorder whenever you pick up your children.  Keep it on always.  Don't just turn it on when they start saying something. Turn it on before you get out of the car and leave it on until you are out of sight.  Have that tape recorder on during all phone comversations with BM, the in-laws and the kids.  Try and communicate in writing as much as possible and always send things return receipt.  They are not afraid of you and will have their guard down and say things they would never want the court to know.  Document everything and get yourself a good parenting plan their are a few on this site. Request the pick-up/drop-off take place at a neutral open location preferably a half-way point.  Your kids are witnessing daddy being abused by in-laws and this is not healthy.  
Keep this up, don't get discouraged it may take some time and a lot of frustration but believe me it will help you.
 

[tschadler]

That is exactly my situation. During our entire relationship she was both physically and verbally abusive and is now charging me with this behavior. No PFA's or police reports to back up her allegations. She left on a saturday and finally answered my phone calls on the following monday while i was at work. She told me she was filing for a seperation and I could see the kids after her lawyer contacted me. When I came home that night, she had ransacked the house. My belongings were everywhere, the babies cribs were stripped and flipped. Every picture I had of my children were gone along with my video camera and all the movies of them. I found two pictures of me and my wife, in frames, smashed in the hallway. My bedroom door was broken. The only thing she left of the kids was any toy I had gotten them. Like an idiot I spent the next couple days cleaning up and documented none of this. Two weeks later at my emergency custody hearing her lawyer shows a picture of the broken bedroom door and a picture of a broken bathroom door (which had been broken since we bought the house) and says that this is proof of my violent tendencies! Anyway, I did begin carrying a voice recorder. I have seen my kids twice so far and each meeting with my inlaws is worse than the last. Is video taping these interactions advised? If nothing else to show my daughter crying when she has to go back to them. Thanks for the responses.

[joni]

Drop the attorney who told you its'a woman's world and you pretty much lost.  That attorney has already given up on the system and you.  That lawyer will be a lap dog for your wife's atty.

You need to file first for divorce and go for sole custody.  Do not be nice, this is not personal, this is business about your children.  Don't kiss your Ex's ass, it won't make her nice and it won't make her back off and start flying right.    

There are attorneys who fight for what they believe.  It took us 3 attorneys, but we finally found one and it's made a world of difference.  My DH went from supervised visitations and false allegations of DV to now having every other weekend (flying child from NY to Chicago, sharing the costs 50/50) and joint custody privleges (although not in title).

Check out this site for an attorney who's certified in family law, //www.aaml.org.

http://www.aaml.org/Directory.htm

[bobg00]

Trevor:
I was in a similar situation that began about a year ago.  My ex-wife never alleged I abused her, but she did tell people that I abused the children (I have 3 kids; 2 boys 9 & 7yrs and a 5-yr old girl.)  She also told her lawyer and others that I had anger problems.  

The next few months of your life are going to be difficult, but hopefully I can give you some advice.  First, document EVERYTHING.  Every time you have the children, every time she won't let you see the kids, every time you get yelled at by the in-laws.  Next, never ever decline any visitation with the kids and always try to get any extra time you can.  Go to every doctor visit, school meeting, etc. that the kids have.  In other words, I'm sure you gave 100% to your kids before but you need to give 150% until your permanent orders are through with.

You mentioned that you are going to court for 'full custody.'  You may want to re-think this.  First, most judges are not going to give either parent full custody of the children.  You will each have parental rights regarding the children and the decisions made regarding the kids.  Second, I think (and I may be wrong,) when you say 'full custody' you mean the kids will be with you all the time.  This is not realistic and probably won't be granted especially with a 4-month old.  Also, asking for this may alienate you from the judge if he/she is an advocate of equal parenting time.  Your best bet would be to ask for a 50-50 share of parenting time and let the judge know that you feel the kids need to benefit from their time with both mom and dad.  Just be prepared to not get 50-50 time because of the very young age of the kids.  You can always go back to court in the future (that's if an agreement can't be made between you and their mom) to get more parenting time.

Trust me, I know it sucks.  It sucks bad and the family court system is still skewed towards the mom, but let her be shown as the vindictive one in court.  Don't do anything that can be construed as vindictive or destructive towards the mom/kids relationship.  

By the way, every state, county and city is different; so you might want to find out where your case will be heard and who the judge will be.  You can research the judge's tendencies and use that to your advantage.  

Hope this helps!

[onedaddy]

It took DH a while to begin documenting but better late than never.  Be prepared for the most ridiculous allegations.  BM has been able to do it with absolutely no proof whatsoever.  In fact, it has been up to us to provide the burden of proof.  Fortunately I've gotten pretty good at the detective work.
You certainly could video tape the exchange.  If they see you videotaping they might be on their best behavior.  I didn't want to give them a heads up.  It is going to better our case when in 2 weeks our lawyer breaks out the recordings of sweet BM cursing and threatening me in front of the kids and threatening to tell the police SF is harrassing her if he comes to pick up his kids on his weekend or maybe SF threatening me with the court system, stating "you don't know what we're prepared to do to you guys in court."  This after they swear it is they who are afraid of DH, after their neighbors and family say neither has ever cursed in front of the children and it is I who make the children uncomfortable by berating momster.  We got copies of phone records to show denial of phone contacts and to show that BM speaks to the kids every weekend they are with us even though she claims otherwise. We got copies of transcripts to show she changes her story, we subpeoned BM's cell phone records when she said DH harrasses her on her cell phone, this among many, many, many other things.  Just to prove her uncredible.

We had help from a court appointed forensics evaluator, we supplied him with a very credible chronology, not any he said/she said jargin and was completely honest.  Fortunately, he discovered BM is severely sociopathic with a host of behavior disorders.

BM first started with the police reports 2 years after the divorce was final when she wanted to change the CO when she remarried a convicted wife beater.  So be alert, especially when things are good.

I could go on, but I agree with Joni.  Look for another attorney.  It took us 3 tries as well. The court is usually biased against women, but it is not unheard of that the father wins custody.  We have an EXCELLENT attorney in NY, if your out here.    

[onedaddy]

You might want to begin counseling sessions.  It will help you deal with your BM's emotions, help you help your children, show the court you are interested in bettering yourself for your children and your counselor can later testify or ecven send a letter to the DA that you do not have any anger issues

[Lawmoe]

Trevor:

Allegations of abuse are very common at the outset of divorce proceedings The reason is that any finding of abuse, in a restraining orer hearing, casts a pallon any cuustody chances, In mist states there exists a presumption that a preson found to have been abusive should not have custody. As a result, a strong response is necessary.  Allegations are just that, allegations.  You must find astronger lawyer willing to combat those allegations. They can have a significant and long lastine effect.

[tschadler]

I NEED INFO ON PARENT ALIENATION DISORDERS, BEHAVIORAL DISORDERS (CONCERNING THE POOR ABUSED MOTHER OF COURSE),. I THOUGHT I SAW A LINK ON THIS SITE SOMEWHERE WITH A CHECKLIST OF ALIENATION TRAITS BUT I CANT FIND IT AGAIN. AND TO ANYONE WHO HAS REPLIED TO ME AND IS STILLREADING, I WAS CALLED AND ACTUALLY THREATENED BY MY FATHER IN LAW ON CHRISTMAS EVE. IT IS A WONDERFUL LIFE...
THANKS
TREVOR

[Kitty C.]

Audio recording isn't enough..........if you can get a hold of another camcorder, use that instead.  Actions speak louder than words and audio only gets half of the story, IMO.  Plus, it makes many people 'mind their manners' a lot better, you know what I mean?

As long as you do not video inside their home (and DO NOT ever go inside, do all exchanges outside, regardless of the weather), there ain't a damn thing they can say or do about it.  Plus, if they do pull any crap, you've got them caught in the act on video.  

[smtotwo]

I realize that not every biomom suffers from this but it seems to me that A HUGE NUMBER,from what I read on this site, may suffer from
Borderline Personality Disorder.

Read up on this.  BPD's usually have one target person, are sweet as pie to everyone esle and most people don't believe this person has a problem.

They are very good at convincing others that what they did, was actually  the person commiting these acts.

Just type either  Borderline Personality Disorder in your search engine or try Walking On Eggshells, an excellent book about BPD.

[FrankDaTank]

//www.abuse-excuse.com

I found a lot of the same information that you're looking for there.

[skye]

take a camcorder to DO and PU...

File a MTA DO and PU location to a halfway point due to the fact she moved...

keep a journal EVERYDAY of things that go on.

go to articles archive and a read everything you can ... this site  has taught me so much..