New, need advice! Sorry....long....

[sld02]

Okay, my custody battle is happening Feburary 4 and desperate for advice.

I am re-married 33 to a man 40 and we are a blended family. I have three children 13, 9 &5. All boys. My 13 year old lives with us 24/7, his dad is in the airforce and lives far away. The second two are from my second marriage.

My husband has two boys 5 & 7. He has joint legal custody of his kids, and I have joint/shared legal & physcial custody of mine. My ex has physcial during the school year for school puposes ONLY as per VA law.

Here is the issue.

When we first seperated 4 years ago we agreed I would have primary physcial and joint legal. We did this for 1 year, and because he had a live in girlfriend (who is also his step-sister b.t.w.) I got very little help from him, and little or no child support. Well, our relationship at the end of the marriage was very abusive and I was in counseling deally with his cheating, lying, and rape. I was struggling financially and my then 9 year old was going through hell b/c ex basically abondon him and only took "his kids" for visitation, even though he always claimed that even though he was not his blood child, he loved him at as his own. I was self-medicating and drinking way too much. To this I admit. Anyway, I ended up having to move back in with my mother and could not make it through a single day without crying, and was a mess in general.

I asked my ex to help me out and take the children on a temporary basis until I could get myself together and re-establish a residence. My 13 year old and I were also in therapy to deal with abondonment issues. His attorney drew up a consent order and swore to me when things got better I would get the kids back. Even though I had serious reservations about live-in girlfriend, at least I knew her. HELLO, we were family.

Well the agreement I entered into was less than fair. It did not even give me detailed visitation rights, I had to go back to court for that. Ex withehld the children for 3 weeks, claimed I was a drunk etc. I was basically lied to and told that he ws going to help me get through this time. He admits to the rape, and knew I needed counseling. Amyway, I grew some thick skin and quick! I went back to school to finish my education in Healthcare Administration, went to counseling and entered an alcohol treatment program because my (pot smoking) ex had convinced me that I was an alcoholic. I admitted in court to having an alcohol problem and that I was getting help, returning to school etc....and was granted good visitation rights.

The year passed and I learned so much about myself. #1 - I am not an alcoholic, apparently I was self-medicating and have not had an issue since finishing therpy. #2 I have a 4.0 grade point average and am due to graduate next year with a BS. #3 established my own residence in the same school district and took my kids as much as possible. #4 Landed a fabulous job with a major hospital system that is very repected here, and supported four facilities.

Last September I filed for Shared leagl and physcial custody. We did not even go to court. Apparently the ex's attorney advised him that I would get it anyway. Plus, he was has huge money problems b/c the step-sister/girlfriend decided to stay home with her two kids and mine. She only has a GED education and it did not make sense for them to pay big bucks to daycare to just break even. Technically under our new agreement he owed me child support since I had them half of the time. He was playing nice, so I told him not to worry about it, to just sign the agreement.

Well, I re-married last November to an amazing man who I have known for 7 years. I actually used to keep his youngest when he was a baby. The kids have always knpwn each other and we blened VERY well. The kids really do love one another and my 13 loves his step-father. He is a great dad and loves all of us. He really took on a project when he met me!

So, new house, new husband, great life. This is when the problems began with the step-sister/girlfriend. Now all of the sudden all co-parenting efforts are out the window. She will not speak to me and refuses to co-parent. She has lied to the school and pediatrican by calling herself "step-mother, and signs legal documents stating such. Well, my ex refuses to do anything about this! He says that I am overreacting. Now she is starting to arrange parent teacher conferences without me....yada...yada...yada....I could go on forever...So, I take action and have my attorney write a letter to the school stating that they are not legally married and she does not have any guardianship rights. Mind you, this was after SEVERAL attempts to get my ex to handle the situation. He starts denying me my extra court ordered visitation that we are supposed to agree on, and then refuses to pay half of the medical bills. So, after repeated attempts AGAIN....I show cause him. Then my husband and I attend a parent/teacher conference with my 9 year old son's teacher who tells me that she is concerned that he may have emotional problems. His grades are slipping, and he has trouble concentrating etc...and my five year olf kindergardener is put into a prime class for kids who are having trouble. I enroll myself, kids, and ex into counseling and co-parenting sessions with a child physcologist who also has a PHD is child behavior. At the point the ex is on the defensive. I keep trying to tell him that we must move past this and communicate and co-parent. He agrees, then she gets involved and he backs down. I file for full custody.

So here we are today. Child physcologist thinks that ex is not capable of co-parenting. He also knows history on the step-sister/girlfriend b/c she used to be a patient. Even though he cannot give me info on that. He says that I have reason to be VERY concerned and will testify to that. He also thinks after many sessions that my ex is bi-polar and should be on medication. He also thinks part of the reason my 9 year old is tired at school may be due to the fact that they are both smokers, and smoke in the house. We have been appointed a GAL that I am meeting with Thursday.

I know this is long and full of misspellings because it is so late and I cannot sleep, but please respond.

Giving up my children when I did was the hardest thing I ever had to do. I am heart broken over what is going on and miss them horribly not that he is with holding extra visitation until after the court date. My five year old is now crying when he leaves us. Am I to be punished forever for doing what I thought was the right thing? Was I selfish in wanting to better myself so that I could be a good mom? It seems that in this world you get punished for telling the truth. I am horribly afraid that he will bring up the alcohol thing again, and I will lose. My attorney says that was in the past and that their has been a huge change in circumstance. I am able to be home everyday when they get home from school, and all day in the summer. So, no more step-sister and I can make sure school work is done. What are my chances?
 
I met with the GAL, and so did the kids.

We really like her. The boys felt very comfortable talking to her and so did I. She did not judge my circumstances and blame me for the reason by I signed over temporary custody. After looking at all of the evidence, she was shaking her head in disbelief that it has gone on this long.

She had talked to the pyschologist prior to us getting there which was good. She said that my ex had absolutely no right allowing his gf to do the things that she has done. She informed me that representing yourself as a legal guardian of a child when you are not, is serious business. She is checking to see, but on the medical forms - it could be child endangerment. That's a pretty serious charge. She also said that his lack of ability to co-parent will kill him in court. Apparently this on top of his other crimes is a real no-no.

I wish that I would not have douhted myself and done this sooner. I wish I would have stopped being so damn nice and trying to "just get along".

Ladies - There is a system out there for this purpose. Abusers will always try to control you, and try to make you believe that there is something wrong with you! It is up to us to put a stop to it, and tell them we mean business. I really regret having waited this long (two years). I gave him more power than he ever actually had. Scary.

Anyone else had an experience with a GAL?





 

 
 

[MixedBag]

No experience with a GAL...

I can identify with many of the things you wrote -- hence my nickname for my EX's fake-wife, they're not married either and they present themselves as huband and wife.

Anyways, my advice is to take it one fight at a time....

Fix and correct stuff and tell the truth.....he's the one who ends up looking like the fool, not you.

[brokenwing]

It sounds like you are doing all the right things in preparation for court and have the kids best interests in mind and all I can say is hang in there.

I can sure emphasize and relate to your situation and the problems you are experiencing on the coparenting end of things.  I commend you for your courage to overcome your past and you should hold your head up high in court and don't let your ex make you feel the way he once obviously did- you are no longer the victim and I'm sure that scares both of them.  

You have come a long way obviously and I commend you for your courage.  Remember to emphasize your willingness to continue encouraging the coparenting, additional couseling and any adjustment period that may be needed for your children should the Court side in your favor.  

It's so hard when SM's and GF's feel so threatened by BM's wanting nothing more than to be the Mother's that they truly are . Sadly it's the kids that suffer in situations like these and often the real motivation behind constantly trying to thrwart the coparenting effots is monetary and has absolutely nothing to do with what's best for the kids.

I wish you the best and hope you post how everything turns out in Court.

[sld02]

Broken wing,

I could not agree with you more.  Great insight on all fronts.  Especially about the money.  Notice, I never mentioned it.

Steph