Advice on custody

[rm1759]

CP is very sick.  I have not spoken with her since last tuesday.  CP and DD live with CP's mother (grandma).  Gma calls me yesterday, saying she needs to speak with myself and my wife about CP.  (wife has never been involved in discussing these things in the past).  This talk happens tonight.

I have a feeling that BM is either in the hospital in serious condition, or possibly passed on.  I know that gma wants custody of DD.  She is 8, in 2nd grade.  We live about an hour apart.  My question is, assuming CP is not at home, do I insist on taking DD home now?  I do not want to risk any kind of court battle with gma over custody, it would be best if DD were to grow up with my wife and I.  At the same time, if DD just lost her mother, I do not want to cause a big fight, drag her to my house to stay permanently, have to change schools (maybe not right away), that would be so much for a little girl to handle.

Any advice?



For more detailed info, see this post:

http://www.deltabravo.net/dc/dcboard.php?az=show_mesg&forum=101&topic_id=4339&mesg_id=4339&listing_type=search

[ocean]

how did the meeting go? I remember your story....I hope you and grandma can come up with a good solution. Could she stay at her school until the end of the school year then tranfer to you? You can have her every weekend until then?

[rm1759]

I hope so to.

The meeting was difficult.  BM has a few weeks, possibly days left.  I was supposed to have my daughter this weekend, but of course I told grandma that I wanted her to stay with her mom.  I am going up there to see my daughter tonight and to tell her that her mother is dying.

Grandma was very worried that I am going to cut her out of DD's life.  I assured her that would not happen.  I told her that I wanted my daughter to finish out the school year there.  She also asked if I would let her finish out elementary school there (she's in the 2nd grade now).  I told her we would talk about that when the time comes.   The problem here will be where my daughter will be living.  I know that grandma thinks that my daughter will stay with her during the week, and I get her on the weekend.  What I want to do is drive her back and forth to school to finish the year (1hr each way), and grandma can see her every day after school until I finish work.  I did not get into this last night, I don't think it was the right time.

What I am really concerned about is a potential custody battle with grandma.  Legally, as soon as mom passes, I can go up there and get her.  I think that would make it harder on my daughter she has lived with mom in grandma's house her entire life.  On the other hand, if I leave her there for a while, I wonder if I set the precedent of grandma as caregiver, and that would potentially lead to a custody battle which is the worst case for everyone involved, esp my daughter...

[janM]

I think it's going to be hard on your daughter no matter what. I'm so sorry for what she is going through (and grandma too).

I think you should have her move with you right away, if you can transport her to school. You are right about setting a status quo with Gma. Continuing to see Gma after school is a good idea. Even though g'parents have little legal standing in a custody fight, that status quo could upset the balance, plus the fact that you are male.

Maybe you could file something that says Gma is to have formal visitation? I'm sure it would be granted given the bond they have.

Good luck and hugs to your daughter.

[Davy]

rm

I have consistently seen the upmost consideration for your daughter's welfare in all your posts and  share your feelings and  concerns ..particularly "if I set the precedent of grandma as caregiver, and that would potentially lead to a custody battle which is the worst case for everyone involved, esp my daughter..."  

I recall the mother/gma hid your daughter's existence for the first 3 years of her life and it appeared your daughter, the mother and gma were extremely emotionally attached in a very unhealthy way.  I think you should consider if the precedent has not already been set by the mother/gma due to their ability to keep the child hidden at gma's for all those years....I suspect until they needed money from you !!

Could it be that gma would use your daughter's future social security death benefits for attorney fees engaging you in a custody battle ?
I believe gma will be able to apply/receive if the child is residing with her irregardless of your on-going presence.  She may get tons of advice from support groups (ie GP raising grandchildren).

It has been my experience that children (especially the age of your daughter) are very resilent (concerning school and living arrangement) and you may want to consider providing a solid footing for her BEFORE (and if) her mother passes to lessen her turmoil and for you to be her primary emotional support during such a time and in the near future while positioning  yourself to basically guarantee and protect your daugther's future.

Since the mother has been incapitated for such a long time and unable to care for her daughter I quite frankly do not comprehend why she is not already in your custody ... I say that politely and respectfully.

Wait a minute ...I'm remembering now.  Several years ago when my daughter was incapitated in a FL county the authorities were adamant about giving gma temp. custody (she wanted perm.) of my 2 grandchildren against substantial strong advice of my daughter (the mother), myself, my 2 adult sons, negative reports from their own files, another Fl county, and a long history of negative behavior in 2 other states.   Gma got an inch and ...took a mile with the rest of us as usual.

Ya'll will likely be in many of our thoughts hoping for the best !  Please keep us posted.

[stk_agn]

Trust me, courts can twist things under the guise of the childs "best interest" any way they want in order to meet their own ends. The de facto custodian laws, clearly a violation to parents 14th amendment rights , is used in many cases (Began by Grandparents) to take custody from a "fit" custodial parent, and leave the child with the grandparents. Your daughters future is nothing to take chances with. From what I have read here you have been deprived of her enough, and as the previous post says, children are resilient. Your love and bond with her will help.

[Troubledmom]

this may be too late. I hope not. Depending on what state you are in, there are things that may happen without you even being aware until it is too late.

Please READ this article : http://www.deltabravo.net/custody/ifcpdies.htm

Grandma could also qualify as a DeFacto Parent: A "de facto parent" is defined as a person who has been found by the court to have assumed on a day to day basis, the role of parent, fulfilling both the child's physical and psychological needs for care and affection, and who has assumed that role for a substantial period of time.

This isn't a Mom dies you get custody thing. Custody to the other parent is not automatic.

My advise, Get An Attorney YESTERDAY.

TM

[MYSONSDAD]

Cover your A$$. Your daughter will need you more now, then ever before. Get attorney and make sure you are in your legal rights and that nothing can turn on you later.

Your DD will get thru this, kids are resilent. You could lose her for a long time, if you don't take the right steps now.

Offer Granny vistation...

"Children learn what they live"

[rm1759]

I do have an attorney, and we are preparing an emergency motion for sole custody.  We will file it the day after the event.  He has assured me that there is no way that grandma can get custody, and based on how things are happening now, I believe that is her impression as well.  

If I were to go up there, grab my DD, and bring her home that would be so very hard on her, plus it would cause greater friction between gma and I just when we are beginning to communicate (we talk daily now, and on a very friendly basis).  If I took my daughter, that would be destroyed, and therefore communicating and letting her see her grandma would be difficult from then on out.  It is much better for daughter if everyone can get along now and just concentrate on helping her through this.

We have a therapist for DD, and we will be meeting with him today.  I am going with gma (not DD this time) and will be discussing how the transition is going to happen.  In the event of a custody battle, the therapist will be on my side.  (we have already discussed this possible scenario).  My attorney has said that would be advantageous if a third party (particularly the child's therapist) can document how I am working gma with regards to helping dd transition after losing her mother, making her case even more impossible to win.