non custodial parent w/BPD

[pennyrwalker]

My husband's ex is joint custodian of two daughters, one lives with us (10yrs old) the other with her (15 yrs old). Always had difficult co-parenting! 10y/o started counseling this summer for anger issues and her therapist subsequently spoke to the mother.  The therapist has "diagnosed" the mother with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD).

     The mother is a drinker as well as her husband, child tells of eating PBJ for days at a time.  She never attends school functions or activities yet accuses my husband of neglect. The mother has told the therapist many things that have been found to be outright lies about the 10y/o wanting to live with her, hating our home, etc.

       We have been told by numerous attorneys that what the mother does is immoral but not illegal.  My husband was told at the time of the divorce to take what he could get because he is a MAN and mothers always win! The therapist thinks the mother is nuts but we would have a hard time getting full custody.  
    Any help or ideas would be greatly appreciated!!!

[onedaddy]

We are in the middle of a custody battle with a BPD/Anto -social/Socipath.  In the past we have one every court battle with her and seem to be ahead of the game here to.

Check out BPD central.  The reccommend a book "Splitting" by William Eddy.  It discusses fighting BPD's in court and winning.  I'm going to get myself a copy as I have a feeling we're going to be in court for the rest of our lives.  It seems like a good resource.
 Good Luck!

[backwardsbike]

The kids will turn 18 some day!  You may not have to be in court for the rest of your life.

I too deal with a guy who certianly shows all the signs of BPD.  But he always comes out smelling like a rose to evaluators.  It is very frustrating.  And then he remarried.  I swear she is more BPD than him!  Our problems increased 100 fold when those two hooked up.

[smtotwo]

Stop walking on eggshells.  

It has helped DH and I sooo much in dealing with hid BPD.

And also remember,  BPD's  usually have a "target" person.  They are so good at seeming "normal" that people believe YOU"RE the crazy one until they become a target.

[spinner]

thought about asking the councelor to call Child services on her ?

[onedaddy]

We met with the childrens counselor this weekend.  We sure came out the bad guy on this one.  The children are lieing and stretching the truths because their mommy thinks she will one day testify and just want us to look bad.  I don't think the counselor believes their lieing as much as afraid to say the truth in front of us the bad guys.  I tried  to tell her BM is borderline and anti-social and its impossible to co-parent with such  personality but it came out sounding like mud-slinging.  DH and I felt terrible all day. He had nightmares that night.  I don't want to see her anymore.  She admitted she cannot help these kids if they arerlieing so whats the use.  SS was acting at all day after we left and SD is going to continue to lie to make BM happy.

[onedaddy]

I think the counselor in our case is on PBFH's side.  She doesn't have much of a clue what is really going on and when we try and explain it to her she thinks were just slinging mud

[pennyrwalker]

the counselor did call cps after 10y/o told about drinking BPD mom and stepdad, no food, being scared, mom always going to bed instead of cooking, having to care for 2 and 4 y/o sisters, etc.  when cps went to "evaluate" the situation the 10y/o told him her mom doesn't drink much, always cooks, not scared, etc.  when he went to the house, mom was sober and kids were happy, steaks on the grill! imagine that. counselor says kids will protect mom!  what to do?!
thanks for the reply

[spinner]

if you can video tape her being drunk ,,....
give the counselor the tape ?

[backwardsbike]

I think your counselor gave up way too easy.  Every one lies at the begining of therapy or a relationship for that matter.  Shoot, my friend went out with a guy for three months thinking he was 39.  he finally came clean with his age.  he's 43!  He didn't want to look bad and neither do people going to therapy.

The therapist's job is to make a safe place where people can tell their secrets Or admit that they've been lying.  Good God, most people even lie to themselves att imes.

I thin you should look for a therapist who can help you.  In my very humble opinion this one can't.  I'd try to get referrals fro friends.  If you don't have anyone to ask call the State Psychological Association in your state and ask for a referral.