Custody Change

[buck22]

 
  Hello everyone, it's been awhile since I've been here and yes I have a question and need of support once again. It's been 4 years in all since my separation and divorce was final, I managed to gain a 50/50 custody with the ex. The boy's are 12 & 14 now all has gone well with this arrangement except a few very minor disputes. The ex has filed a petition with the courts to change custody and ask the judge to appoint counsel for the boy's, based on that the current arrangement does not and has not worked from the beginning and that the boy's have expressed the interest to live with her which is true they have said that to me. The judge did appoint counsel to the children and to find out what is the best interest for the children, I have no problem with that. However, I believe that this change in custody was stemmed by a  
jealous out break on her part because a little over a year ago I bought a new house which is only 2 miles from the boy's school there mother lives about 10 miles away from school. It seem that the judge is only interested in hearing this case for one reason according to my attorney and that is because she said that the boy's want to live with her and he want's to know why. I ask the boy's why do they want to live with there mom instead of the way things are now and I get no clear answer except when they are being discipline or punish at my house, then I hear that's why we want to live with mom. Mom has no rules at her house and the boy's can do what ever they want , watch what they want and listen to what they want, thier mom has even gone as far as quit going to church and yes every other week that I have the boy's they give me a hard time about going to church when they are with me. The boy's are good kids active in sports and are honor roll students in school and we are always getting good remarks from their teachers. Mom has a live in boyfriend and I have a girlfriend but she does not live with me ,she has her own home. My question is because of the boy's age is the judge going to simply honor the childrens wish or will this not be good reason to change custody?

[Troubledmom]

It depends on your state laws regarding wishes of the children.

But a bit of personal experience, when my son expressed a wish to live full time with his father, he was asked why. His response was "Mom won't let me play my video games or watch tv and Dad lets me." The mediator who was interviewing my son wrote in her report, "It appears that the reason the child wants to live with the father regards simple parenting styles differences, where in the mother holds a belief in limiting television and video games and the father does not share this opinion. It is the opinion of the mediator that the child is not of sufficient age and capacity to reason so as to form an intelligent preference as to custody."

TM

[rdhdinwi]

My DH's ex, referred to as Cujo, has filed to regain primary placement of their two girls, 13 and 15, even though he has had 50-50 shared placement for seven years.  The reason? Because, just because.  We have yet to hear any kind of good reason as to why and the couple of reasons Cujo gave, such as the YSD's temper tantrums and threat to runaway (was only to the backyard) were all at her house, then why? We are now smack in the middle of the evaluation process and have the YSD going to counseling.  When comparing the two houses with the counselor, even the counselor said our house was preferable so why?

All you can do is fight the best you can and speak the truth.  That's all you can do.  Well, that and pray that you have a fair and impartial evaluator or GAL.

Rd

[buck22]

  Thanks a bunch... It seems like it is messed up that the courts would give the kids to her just because it is the kids wishes. I'll pray and hope that all goes well.

[Forthelittleones]

SS has always wanted to live with his mom, he now lives with us.  When asked where he wants to live  - he will tell you that he misses his mom but he likes that he gets good grades.  When asked why he doesn't get good grades with mom - because she doesn't expect me too and she doesn't make me do my homework.

We have a review in June to see if he will stay here or go back to his mother - I hope the Judge sees that it is far better for him to stay here and grow up to be a productive member of society rather than go back to his mothers where he can do whatever he wants.

At least this wont be a full trial like last time.  The hearing is set for 10am and for one day.

Just keep doing the best you can do.

[buck22]

    The problem with my kids is they won't exactly say why they want to live with thier mom. I have a nice home, big yard to play ball in, me and the boy's are very active in camping, fishing, bike riding and hiking but yet they still want to live with thier mom. Only reason I can figure is because mom allows them to do things that I cannot allow in my house because of the way I was brought up. She takes them out to eat allot and movies buy's them anything they want new shoes, clothes video games. When I buy shoes for the kids ( shoes that they pick out) within a couple of weeks she is buying them new ones and I never see the shoes that I bought , she does the same with clothes. I have a house and live pretty close to a budget, mom rents and now has a live in boyfriend that no doubt is paying for alot of this. When I ask the kids your mom is proposing that I have you every other weekend, do you believe that 4 day' a month is enough time to spend with your dad ? they will tell you no. But the ex has the boy's believeing that daddy can pick you all up anytime he wants and you can visit with him ever many times you want. All was going well untill I bought this new house and all of the sudden this arrangement does not work, also the ex wants to move back to NC. and I think she knows that as long as we have 50/50 custody she cannot move with the boy's, but if she were to get primary custody of the boy's that would give her a better chance to move with the kids.

[lookinnomore]

I feel your pain.  I am living in similar situation.  He(we) has full custody, she has decided she wants them back.

I think Social Services saw through the kids (two boys 13 and 12) when they talked to them.  Same kinda thing, no rules at moms, she takes them out all the time amazing what you can spend on a kid 4 days a month when you pay minimal child support. Mom takes them out partying with her and then drives home, has two other kids at home that her own family says are attention starved.  Amazing that for any reason and for no reason you can't petition the court to put a child through this  after all what does the other parent have to loose?  Its the ones with custody that watch what it does to a child to be put through this.  The bar should be set a little higher on grounds for filing for change of custody.

Good Luck to you. try to think positive and live for the time that you have now.

[bjwdad]

I'm also going through this but I'm on the other side. My children are a 10 year old boy and 13 year old girl. My daughter wants to live with me and just visit mom.  My son wants to go back and forth. We have 50/50 right now. The agreement was to switch homes every Friday night and come over on the Tues/Thur nights on the off week for a few hours after school.  Both of us are good parents; I can't take that from her and she from me.

What I see is my son is young and wants both of us to be there for him all the time. He is a sad boy compared to what he use to be like but he does it. He and I are very close and I help in all sports. I actually coach him.

My daughter has a whole different idea. She is almost 14. She has many 4H animals at home. I have the home they were raised in. She has her room with all her "stuff" as it was before.  She has her computer, etc... It's just home to her. The parenting arrangement started last Oct and the Friday packing lasted about 2-3 weeks for her and than she just told mom no more. She will just pack for every other weekend and has been doing it that way ever since.  Even with 50/50 I pay a good chunk of support and I'm right now paying for everything for my daughter and most for my son. I don't see where I have a choice but to file for change in support and a change in custody.

My attorney is not sure the Judge will talk to my daughter but I hope so, her reasons are solid.

1. It's hard for a girl to pack every Friday, she has way too many personal things she wants with her all the time.
2. She has many animals to care for and projects to be responsible for. She  raises chickens, pheasants, will be doing swine this spring, and has a mini horse she leases and it's up for sale so we may need to buy it if she wants to continue in that project.
3. She has a computer for homework at my home, not at moms.
4. I'm the homework guy and help them both all the time. Because of that help my daughter gets all A's.
5. It's just home. And we have many nice things in this home including a pool and stuff we built for the kids. Moms house has nothing but a TV and bedroom.
6. This is the last and sad thing.. My daughter also sees mom as being the person that left and wanted to change all our lives. Mom was not happy and wanted a new life. She left for one. It's hard for me because I feel the same way and have a close understanding of how my daughter feels.  I try and keep my feelings out and just look at hers but that is hard.

With all this, I can't help but feel the kids vote counts. Not listening to them makes them feel like they are property and not a person.  I'm just on the lucky side of this one.

All I can say is listen to your kids, try and understand them. They have feelings and as they get older they want to have some control of their destiny.   They should not control the situation but they have to have something of their own and a little say.

Good luck to you.

I could start another thread but are their any opinions or support for what I'm going through?

[Lawmoe]

Custody issues are determined based on a best interests of the child standard.  Bests interests are determined by a Court by applying various factors spelled out in your state's statutes.  Those factors are not exclusive and the Court must consider the totality of all circumstances.  

One of those factors is the wishes of the minor child, assuming the child is old enough to express his/her desires.  The child's wishes are generally not dispositive on the issue and are weighed as only one factor out of many.  As the child matures, their opinions will carry greater weight.   For example, in the State of Tennessee, the statutes allow the Court to consider the reasonable preference of any child age twelve (12) or older.  The court, at its discretion, may also hear the preference of a younger child upon request by a party. However, the preferences of older children are given greater weight than those of younger children. Most states have similar laws, some  more vague than others.  Minnesota allows the Court to consider the preference of a child if the Court deems the child to be of suitable age and maturity.

There are some states that do give greater weight to a child's desires, although such state statutes  are an exception to the rule.  In the State of Georgia, state  statutes provide – "In all cases in which the child has reached the age of 14 years, the child shall have the right to select the parent with  whom he or she desires to live. The child's selection shall be controlling, unless the parent so selected is determined not to be a fit and proper person to have the custody of the child."

Remember, so long was there is an existing Court order requiring parenting time and telephone calls to occur, they must occur.   If they do not, the parent who does not support the contact may be found in contempt.  An Order may only be modified by filing a Motion and acquiring an Order with a different ruling.

[teach_me_mom]

I'm a step mom going through a tough time with 2 SSs (10 and 11) who do not want to return to their BMs house.  CPS is involved and my husband will file for a change in custody.  Similar to you, it is in our house that homework support is given and the children say they just feel safer.  We are actually more strict with chores, homework, TV, video games, movies...etc, and we have the boys save their money to buy extra toys, music equipment, video games.... and the like.  At the other house my oldest says he feels "invisible" and that he doesn't ever spend quality time with his BM.  He and his bro are encouraged to play video games to keep them busy.

I know we are in for a tough battle.  We are documenting anything we can think of to help our case.  We don't have an attorney yet and my next step is to do some research on Family Law.

If you have any suggestions, let me know.
Otherwise, keep doing what you are doing.