15 y/o decides to visit after 18 months!

[pennyrwalker]

I have only posted once and it was about my 10y/o stepdaughter that lives with my husband and me. He also has a 15y/o that lives with the BPD mom. She moved out of our house about 2 1/2 yrs ago after getting into trouble and refusing counseling. We let her go to her mom's thinking she would see the light and come home but....the BPD mom was a pro at alienating her(this was long before we knew about BPD and how to cope). She (step) has just in the last few months began talking to us again, I think she sees a difference in her sister since counseling, and she accepted Christmas gifts against her mom's wishes. Now she has said she wants to come for a visit and that even if mom says no she is going to come.   My question is...If BPD mom tries to stop her by grounding her, shaming, etc. should we force the issue to the point of showing up with custody/visitation schedule and police in hand?!  Please help!

[HeavenSent]

I wouldn't show up for a confrontation, that is never good.  You have a lot of options with a 15 yo who is adament about coming.  If BM puts up too much hassle, just arrange the visit with SD "quietly", and inform BM after the fact.  I'm not a big advocate of sneaking around, but I do think it best to keep the peace.  So let BM have her fit (or whatever) while SD is not around her to see it.  SD is plenty old enough to make that decision.

[CustodyIQ]

I agree... no need to prepare for a huge fight.

If you have court-ordered custodial time, you can arrange with 15 year old to pick her up at a friend's house, Starbucks, school, church, etc during your custodial time.

Once she's safe and sound in your care, notify the other parent that you're exercising custody per court orders.

However, y'all need to be prepared for the fallout, and 15 year old does too... perhaps let her know who to call if her mom gets physically abusive (if that's an issue).

Best of luck with it.  It's awesome that she's come around and may be seeing things as they are.

[pennyrwalker]

Thanks so much for your input. The only problem I see is that , the SD is never really away from home. She is the built in babysitter for her 2 and 4 y/o half sisters. Mom hasn't called back to ok the visit so we don't know what is going on. We are going to go get her Saturday unless she (SD) tells us not to. We are afraid she will once again cave in to BPDmom's wishes. By the way I did not mention that mom is UNDIAGNOSED BPD. We were told by 10y/o therapist that she is certain that is the disorder we are dealing with after she talked with mom several times! Thanks again for the help!

[HeavenSent]

If it is a long way, I understand it would be a bit more difficult to make the drive for a maybe pickup.  But if it is local, I stll think it better to arrange a pickup time with SD only.  Even if you have to get creative...pick her up from school, have her walk out of the house and meet you at the corner at Saturday at 8pm, pick her up from church Sunday morning, or just tell her you will be there 30 minutes after she calls you.  Whatever it takes to avoid a scene in front of SD.

[pennyrwalker]

They live less than 1 mile from us. If we do not get the ok from her mom I hope she will still agree to come! If BPDmom says no then we will just go from there. We can call SD and tell her we will be there at 9am Saturday and she can just meet us outside. I don't think BPDmom will physically stop her but there may still be a confrontation with BPDmom or her husband. He has physically threatened my husband 2 times and BPDmom has called police on me 2 times(both were blown off by police!) Wish us luck and pray hard!