Feeling helpless

[stillsober34]

I have not seen my daughter in four years. I am divorced, four years ago, I got clean and sober. The last time I went to court over custody, I tested dirty for marijuana. (Four years ago). I was sent to a mediator. The mediator suggested supervised visitation. I was asked to go to a facility, and sign up to have supervised visitation. I did so, and the facility called my ex-wife to set things up with her. She refused. I was told to try another. I did so, and she once again refused. At the time, I was trying to get my life together. I was told to get things in order before I tried again. It's time now. I am afraid that if I pay a lawyer to represent me (that I cannot right now afford), that she will simply refuse me visitation again. I talked to several family law lawyers, each one telling me that to see my daughter would cost me about $15,000 to $20,000. I am a good father, and only want to see my baby. If someone can offer advice on how to go about doing this, I would be grateful.

[Lawmoe]

Your situation will not get bettere with e time. The longer that you wait to act, the more difficult it will be to repair the relationship with your child.

Your only course is to file a Motion to establish parenting toime. Once supervised visits are orrdered, you must follow through and schedule the visits. If the other parent refuses to comply you must enforce the order by filing a Motion for contempt.

Establishing these parental rights will take work.  If you give up easily, you will never make the cut.

[MYSONSDAD]

I would hold off on going for custody. Was there a court order signed by a judge in regard to your visitation?  Do you have documented proof of your ex refusing to go along with your supervised visitation with the mediator?

If your looking for visitation, there is no way it would cost that amount of money. You will need to find an attorney to file the motion for you.
If you can not afford it, what about legal aide?

You also need to know that 4 years is a long time. You should expect supervised visitation for at least 6 months, at your expense. You need to rebuild a relationship to your child. Right now, you are a stranger. Start with the supervised and go from there.

Expect to take drug and alcohol testing 24 hours prior to your visitation. This is a normal procedure. Offer to do it in front of the judge. And again, it will be your expense.

Can you show the court improvements from your past life style? Employment stability? Your place of residence? Any professional that will speak on your behalf?



"Children learn what they live"

[stillsober34]

Thanks for the reply. When I started with these difficulties, I had gone from having money, a house, employment, etc. to being broke, practically homeless, etc. The many court visits, mediation, and my own alcohol problems cost me all these things. Now, I have a decent job that I have had for two years, a home, and a decent vehicle. I am still paying debts. I sent many letters to the ex, telling of my life changes. I sent gifts to my daughter, only to have them refused. My Mother visited her in her school once a week, to pass messages between us, pictures, etc. The ex apparently won't even allow my daughter to mention my name in the house. There was no issue of abuse with the ex or my daughter. I know it has been a long time. I know that my relationship with my daughter has been compromised. I wish only to repair it and be allowed some visitation. I am afraid that a new prolonged battle with my ex will cost me again. The judge that denied me the first few times was actually removed from the bench because of her sexual preferences and the fact that she catagorically denied many men visitation with their children, no matter what the facts were. I have a lot of fear over it. I am going to write a letter to the ex once more, and keep a copy of it. I can't really afford to hire an attorney yet. I must do something. She needs me and I need her.

[stillsober34]

Thank you for your reply. Yes, there was a court order signed by a judge requiring supervised visitation. Yes, I have documented proof from the facility that does the visitation of her refusal. Lawyers seem to want a lot more than I can come up with. I will have to look into getting help from a para-legal or legal aide.
Four years is a VERY long time, for me and my daughter. I know that the relationship between us has been damaged and compromised. I want to repair it and gain some sort of visitation. I don't mind paying for supervised visitation, but the problem is the flat refusal by the ex to participate.
Drug and alcohol testing is not a problem for me, but the ex used it as a weapon in the past, trying to require "hair" testing once a week, requiring a haircut that looks like a cancer patient, and if only urine testing, she wanted to get me every day within one hour of her request, which would be virtually impossible. I argued the point in court, making it so she would have to pay for the testing if I was clean, each time. This curtailed some of it. I have been clean and sober in the program of Alcoholics Anonymous for almost four years. I can get letters from friends and my sponsor saying so. I have no other way of proving it.
I can show the court all of these improvements you speak of.
What professional do you mean as far as speaking for me?
I know this will be difficult, because the ex is very hostile, and will never cooperate unless forced to. It's always about my wallet. Wishing it could be easier is useless. I have to do what I have to do. I just need some guidance so I don't have to go back and correct mistakes over and over.

[Kboeds]

Stillsober

First of all WAY TO GO!!! on your sobriety

My DH has a similar story to yours. His original visitation was set at 4 hours every other Sunday at his Ex's home and Christmas day in the Ex's home. (NO FREAKING WAY!!) She is the reason he had a drug problem to begin with. After the divorce, DH left MI and moved out of state. He went to stay with family and get his life back. DH could not call the kids without Ex spending an hour or more (long distance) telling him how he ruined her life and how he should have just killed himself and that would have been the best things for her and the kids. Needless to say he didn't call very often because it wasn't worth putting up with her for an hour or more, just to get 5 minutes on the phone with the kids. (Usually spending that 5 minutes telling him how he made mommy cry.)
Well, you've been there, when you are at that point in recovery, your self esteem is holding steady at about a 1.

Once DH and I met, I encouraged him to call the kids more. Never mind what the Ex said, I was here to lift him back up after she tore him down. It took a little time, but she finally stopped keeping him on the phone so long and now 5 1/2 years later, she wont even talk to him.

DH obviously couldn't travel 2000 miles to spend 4 hours with the kids in her home EOW. Two years past before he finally had the strength and the ability to go for a modification.

Heres what he did.. DH was told by the state of MI Friend of the court that he needed to request the change from the Ex. They told him that unless she refused the change they would not accept the request.
DH sent a letter to his Ex stating the changes that he wanted, we sent it certified mail and kept a copy for our records. When the return mail receipt came we attached it to the letter. Ex wrote back and stated that she would not agree to the changes and that the children would NEVER leave the state of MI with him.
We filed with the Friend of the court for visitation modification. The Judge ordered DH to visit the kids in MI during holidays from school for 6 months, DH had to have attendance signed at his NA meetings to show he was going to at least 2 meetings a week, and he had to have random urine test done once a month. DH did all that was ordered of him and 6 months later we went back to court. DH was giving 2 weeks in the summer, every other Christmas, Thanksgiving, Winter break from school and Spring Break. We get the kids 3 or 4 times a year and they ALWAYS leave the state of MI to come to Texas.

So if you have a Friend of the court type service try them, be prepared to have to prove yourself to the courts. (Ex drove 36 hours round trip to CO to see the kids for Christmas (judge said so) and the Ex only allowed him 4 hours with the kids.) Once you do all that, expect it to be rocky for a period because of all the change, but I can tell you it smooths out and the bond can be rebuilt.

Good luck and don't keep waiting... you need to get the ball rolling.. YOU CAN DO IT!!! If you can win over an addiction... you can do anything!!

KB

[MYSONSDAD]

KB was a wealth of information!

I have never been in your situation and did not know the best way to help you.

Hair testing seems a little radical. I know there are other ways. The letters will help, but testifying in person will make a greater statement. Just start putting together every document, letter or anything else you can use in your defense. Have some type of file system, so you can find things quickly. Be organized, look professional. I find it hard to beleive that a judge would deny you time with your daughter.

Go into the search engine here and look for your States links. There is a vast amount of articles that will help you.

It will be crucial that you follow the order to a T. Impress the courts and make your ex look like the fool. YOU BE THE BETTER PERSON.

Good Luck! Keep us posted.

And Congrats on your 4 years!

"Children learn what they live"

[stillsober34]

You almost brought tears to my eyes. Hope is really what I need. Thank you. I am lucky in the respect that my ex lives only two or three miles away. I left many a birthday or Christmas gift on the porch, only to find that is was discarded unwrapped on the street. I spent five years changing diapers, getting up early to pick up the little girl I loved, that was waiting with outstretched arms and little tiny fingers for her Daddy. I remember coming home from work to see her in the window waiting for me. I miss her terribly. I started on the path today. I wrote a new letter to the ex, stating my intentions, letting her know I would not stop at filing contempt charges, or whatever it takes. I sent my phone number, mailing address, and email address to her. I suggested that if I got no response, or an agreement to follow the terms of the last court order, I would follow up with a visit to court and a mediator, and then contempt charges and change of custody if necessary. I love my daughter. It's time.

[stillsober34]

The hair testing was used primarily as a weapon. She got tired of paying $120.00 a pop to see a clean test. I would use the same system in defense of what little hair I have left. ;)
I have things filed and I am good with finding what I need when a judge asks for it. I am capable of looking very clean cut and professional. I have the truth on my side. I didn't come this far to give up and curl in a ball. I will fight the good fight. I'm sure that there is a judge out there that wants to see a little girl with her Daddy. If not, one day she will be old enough to make her own decisions about her life. I wish she had the power to do so now. I'm sure she gave up on rescue long ago. I only hope she still wants to see me. She was five and a half the last time I saw her, with a sherrif's deputy standing behind me while I said goodbye. She cried and cried. So did I. I was very very angry, and felt incredibly powerless. I am still powerless today, but I will have lots of help. Thanks for the reply. I will keep all posted, because there is another hopeless and forlorn Dad out there that will need my help one day. I appreciate all the advice and hope I am getting.  I sure needed it. I am full of fear.
I didn't get sober to get my daughter back. I got sober for me. I was dying inside. I like who I am today. I hope my little girl will too.

[Kboeds]

You said you wrote a letter already. It made me think of something else.

  Be very careful what you say and how you say it. Every time you speak, or write anything pretend the judge is standing there listening to or reading every word you say or write. I say this because you never know when the things you say or the words you write are going to get handed to the judge by way of tape recording or copies of your letter.

DH's  Ex will not agree to anything that is not in the order... NOTHING!!
During times of dispute, we have found that one way to help keep her calm is to write                 cc:  Friend of the court    at the bottom of our letters. There have only been a few that have actually been forwarded to the court, but just putting that at the bottom, makes her think that we are keep the file updated with communication to protect ourselves and she usually calms down.

You might try that..

 Write her with your request, for visitation. Suggest that for the first few months you and DD only have day visits for a few hours at a time or maybe a little longer, but not overnight yet.  Write to her that you understand it has been a while since you and your daughter have been able to have a relationship and you believe it is in your daughters best interest to start slowly and work your way up to regular visitation. Mention how it saddens you that she has felt the need to keep your daughter from seeing you and meeting you for visitation. And that part of your recovery is to make amends to those you have wronged. Tell her that although you understand that she felt it was in your DD best interest to keep her from having a relationship with you, you feel that the time has come to change that and that you feel it is in your DD best interest to establish a relationship with you again.

That was kind of a sample. 1) there is nothing said there that would tell the judge you are being vengeful,. 2) at no point to you degrade BM and you actually speak as though you believe she felt she was acting in your DD best interest. 3) You mention your recovery in a positive light. 4) you bring attention to the fact that she has been denying you visitation form some time (positively)
You see where I'm going with this? There is no threat, you are totally keeping your daughters best interest in mind and the things you are saying show that. If she threw your letter in front of a judge, you would have nothing to fear.
Give her 30 days to respond or you will pursue legal options in the best interest of your daughter.

There is hope! Keep plugging along, it will happen for you and it will be wonderful!

KB