How to handle this one??

[United]

Background: Dad was granted primary physical custody last year.  This was done on a temporary basis, but it's been over 7 months now.  Mom has had difficultly accepting this.  She stated in front of both attorneys and DH that "she will never agree to it and won't accept it".

Even though we have been careful to include her contact info on all emergency cards at school and doctors office, this has not been good enough.  She has taken it upon herself to go to the school and create new cards for each child, listing herself and her new husband as contact for  "child lives with" and using her phone numbers as contacts.  Dad has been put down as "emergency contact when parents not available". In addition, she listed DH's phone number incorrectly on the school card.  

At the doctors office, for which DH provides sole insurance coverage through his employer, she changed the contact information again listing her address only .  I found this out because the doctors office called our home and asked for her by name, as they had a test result for SS and couldn't reach "her" at her other numbers.  She has also called DH's insurance directly and changed SS dentist without our knowledge or consent.  When DH has spoken to her about this her response has been "they are my children and I am entitled to make any changes I see fit".  It is very frustrating.  

Anyone else have this issue with your ex?  Any thoughts on how to deal with this with the doctors office, etc.  Aren't there HIPA laws concerning privacy which should come into play here?  I need the knowledge from those who have walked this one before.

Thanks very much!

[ocean]

What is in writing about "legal" custody? As for the school, if you show them that your DH has custody as of now, they should not be changing the emergency cards or giving her the chance to change them. She can request a copy and then ask to be put on the form (if she was not already). If you can get a copy of that changed emergency card for your files that would be good :)  
Does she have visitation from school at all? Sometimes at my school, if it is the NCP's custody day then it gets a little crazy about who to call on which day.

[United]

Legal custody is 50/50.  And yes, there are days when mom picks up the kids from school directly.  That has been a big issue.  I once went into the office to sign out my son (DH and I have two the same age at the same school) and on the wall next to the phone was a note from mom and in big letters it stated "Do Not Call Father on MY Days! Always call mother first!!".   To me it was not really surprising and kind of sad, but to the office staff, well, they were a bit rattled and bent over backwards so as not to upset her.  How are they supposed to know when it is "her day"?  And isn't it really supposed to be the kids days?  

Well, I don't see this problem going away until the kids are 18, but I was just wondering if anyone had any brilliant solutions I could try.  

Thanks!

[Troubledmom]

Regarding the school "knowing" which parent to call... we provided the kids teachers with a pocket calander that has each parents days marked ~ Blue for Dad & Pink for Mom ~ the teachers look at it when there is a problem that needs a parent to be called.

Get a copy of that Emergency Card. It may be useless at the moment but could make a difference later down the road.

With the medical records issue, provide each of the physicians, dentists, etc with a copy of the court order. Let them know that indeed joint legal custody is shared by the parties but the children's primary residence is with the father. Ask that they put a copy of the order in the childrens file. If you know your states law for the designation of "primary" parent use it. Generally the designation of primary parent in most state laws is for the legal purpose of giving the child a permanant address for the purpose of school, medical, and other such matters. Quote the law if you can locate it.

Good Luck

TM

[Lawmoe]

First of all, let me complimemnt you. You must be the one that committed the infamous theft of the painting  "Scream" since it is your icon.

Try providing both the school and the medical provider with a certified copy of your custody order. Inform them in writing that records should not be changed without your permission. Keep detailed records of the other parent's conduct.

Your case is winding toward a trial on the custody issues. Make sure you have evidence to present.

[United]

What painting?  That's really just a self-portrait most days.......  

Your advice is sound regarding providing certified copies of the order.  It really just urks me to have to go to those lengths (involving folks not in the family...you know).  

As for the trial, we had one.  The outcome of which was the shift of custody to dad, at least temporarily.  As mom stated previously, she will not accept it, ever.  She is holding to her word.  We have noticed a definite pattern of undermining since the new order was adopted. This is especially noticable on areas where we set up consequences for the kids and she will not uphold them.  In fact, on one occassion we told SS he couldn't use his computer for 2 weeks.  Well, mom bought him a new one so he could use it at her home.  So, you know, her home is more desireable that way.  It's very divisive.  And the kids are the ones who suffer most.

At this point I believe we are doomed to high-conflict.  It take two to cooperate, but only one to make cooperation impossible.  

Thanks for your response!