Childs wishes

[mango]

We have had 50/50 plan with SD, age 11. (Neither parent or family has history of abuse, drugs, neglect, mental illness, or police records.)
BM openly hates BF, and myself.

BM has always wanted sole custody and has been working/programming her daughter for years, and finally getting payoff.

BM court ordered a GAL to listen to childs wishes.

SD is now 11, and is saying she wants to live with mom. She said she only wants to see BF and family once every couple months. However she says she "loves" her dad, and her 3 (half) siblings and Bio-grandparents, and myself (step mom) etc, but does not want to visit very often anymore. She doesn't feel "special in our home, and feels like an outsider".

Probably a result of the mother putting in her head that we love the other kids more, etc. etc.

Sometimes as a family we can't always buy everything she can as she does at her BM as an only child. This is used against us.

However, if you see her with us, she has a ball with her siblings and can't wait to be with them. But when she speaks to her BM on the phone, she only tells bad things. Like I'm tired because, the kids woke me up early, etc" Mom of coarse, says poor thing, it must be so hard on you to put up with it over there....

You know the drill.

GAL came over and saw how bonded she is with family and took her out for ice cream and heard first hand her "desire" to live with only mom.

GAL tells us she said it with an emptiness, and thinks she does not understand what she is asking for. Suspects an outside source. She said she will not go to the extreme of changing the parenting order to sole custody, but says she must make some changes (reducing the time with BF) to make the child "feel" as if her wishes have been addressed.

So, that means reducing her time with dad, and siblings etc. Giving the programming parent MORE time to program and destroy the relationships totally.

It seems the GAL's do not have much experience in PAS. Would'nt it be  a HUGE red-flag that the child doesn't want to see her BF & siblings anymore? Would it be an insult to give her info on it?

We feel pretty helpless. We can't go to counseling because BM refuses it.

GAL said she might ask for family counseling before making her decision.

Anyone have any advice for us?

[MixedBag]

you have a PM with a solution....

e-mail me if you don't get it.

[jilly]

I'm sorry I don't have any advice for you.  But a comment you made gave me the chills..

<"she says she "loves" her dad, and her 3 (half) siblings and Bio-grandparents, and myself (step mom) etc, but does not want to visit very often anymore. She doesn't feel "special in our home, and feels like an outsider".>

That statement, though not word for word, is very close to something my 7 year old stepdaughter said.  She has been having behavioral problems at school and hubby has been talking to her about it, as well as issues she has regarding separation between her Mom and stepdad.  She told my hubby that even though she has toys, clothes and her own room at our house she doesn't feel welcome there. I was astounded when my hubby told me she said this and was racking my brain why she would feel that way.  Your post just opened my eyes where this is coming from.

I am so sorry that your SD is being subjected to this kind of mental abuse.  I can't imagine a Mother doing that to her own child.  Just boggles the mind.

Good luck to you all.

[DecentDad]

The only strategy I can think of is to hire your own child psychologist to do a more thorough exam with his daughter.

It'd be a bit costly, but if you put a child psychologist on the stand who can testify as to his belief (and per what the child told him) is that the mother is pressuring the child to feel this way, it could do serious damage to the recommendation of the GAL.

DD

[mango]

What is the solution? I didn't get it. (?)

[mango]

The GAL did say she wanted us ALL to  get counseling. But I think the BM will object.

Hopefully the GAL will write a motion for it. Not sure how that works.

I asked if we could have someone inparticular that (I know could detect PAS). She said she would write in for this counselor.

I am praying that it all works, and gets detected.

The BM is clever and is having SD state that she "loves us", so it doesn't seem like PAS. But she says she doesn't want to see us, doesn't jive.

Our insurance covers couseling. The only problem I see is getting the BM to allow it. The parenting order states that "both parents" need to consent to medical decisons. So if she objects it could be tricky.

The good part is that we are coming into the summer, and the BF gets the first half of summer and BM gets the second, so if we get her full-time, and get couseling, we might be able to turn it around in a few months. Get her back to wanting to see us again.