when is the child put first?

[[email protected]]

This has been a long and grueling 2 years.  My daughter was never married, he broke up when she became pregnant.  For 9 months he went back and forth declaring the child was his to the child wasn't his.  When the baby was 1 month old dad filed for full custody and full name change.  During the first year that was changed to visitation and wanting our family name off the birth certificate.  The court ruled to keep the baby's name unchanged. 
Although my daughter is honoring standard visitation, the courts have not signed off on it because dad keeps throwing in demands or changing lawyers.  He is not paying child support and is fighting against what DHS says he will owe.
My concern is how my grand-daughter is faring during her overnight weekends with dad.  We've told him several times that she is lactose intolerant yet he continues to give her milk and milk products.  We know this because at 2 she has begun asking for ice cream and has blistering diarreah every Monday after a visitation.
My daughter only allows my grand-d sweets on rare occasions and in modaration.  However, now grand-d is coming home asking for candy and soda.  Dad refuses to stick to any bed time and does not give her naps so that by the time we pick her up on Sunday nights she is exhausted and cranky.  We have to spend the next day or two detoxing her and dealing with a worn out cranky child who has had an obvious sugar overload.
The lawyer says we can't do anything about it, it's his parenting style.  When does it become what's in the best interest of the child?  Why do we have to suffer and watch the baby suffer because dad is still in the 'I'm gonna get you' frame of mind?
We have tried to talk to dad about this several times, but he walks away saying he's raised 2 kids.
Can anyone tell us what to do?  we are at our wits end.

[Giggles]

About the only thing you can do is listen to your lawyer...he's right.  None of what you say will hold water in court and most judges could view you as trying to take away the father's rights.  That would not be a good thing...you could be labeled vindictive, controlling and could even possibly LOSE custody altogether.  It's happend....so don't ever think it can't happen to your daughter!!!

Thing is....YOU also have to put the child first!!!

The best thing you could do is try to be civil with the father, explain to him that the doctor says milk and milk products aren't good for the baby.  Perhaps even send along the alternative with the child so she isn't uncomfortable?  It might be uncomfortable for you....but it is what is BEST for the baby!!!  Let go of the control when baby is with Daddy...wish the baby a good time, etc....

[[email protected]]

Each visitation we send a suitcase with everything baby will need: clothes, toothbrush, toopaste, first aid kit, thermometer, tylenol, a few toys, a few books, and snacks, diapers.  We have sent cartons of soy milk, but dad says he doesn't need it.  We've sent juice, but again he says he doesn't need it.  Do we keep sending it anyway?
We are too aware that the courts like to look at mommas who try their hardest to insure a healthy well-balanced child as 'overly protective'.  We have not asked the lawyer to make any statements about our concerns over the baby not being fed correctly or given enough sleep.  These are just our concerns.
But, dad says we don't have any right to call and check up on baby even if she has been sick and we are worried.  Baby has had a history of ear infections that we have just recently overcome (knock on wood).
We try to be civil and accomodating towards dad, since my son is in a similar situation we know full well that when the parents cooperate the child is much better off.  My son and his ex have a great working relationship and cooperate on everything.  I know this can work, but both parties need to work at it.
Also, dad pulls a lot of overtime and we have no idea who keeps baby when he is at work.  Hopefully it's someone caring like his mom, but don't we have a right to know who is tending her?
Dad has changed lawyers for the third time now.  Each time he doesn't get what he wants he switches lawyers. 
I'm just very frustrated.  I guess since I know that this can work for the best interest of the child I don't understand why he seems to go out of his way to do the opposite of what we request.

[janM]

We've told him several times that she is lactose intolerant yet he continues to give her milk and milk products.  We know this because at 2 she has begun asking for ice cream and has blistering diarreah every Monday after a visitation.

If this happens again, have mom take her to the doctor or ER and have it documented. If it's not bad enough for the doc to contact child services, have him write something up stating that she is NOT to have dairy products. Send that with a certified letter to Dad and warn him that if he doesn't adjust baby's diet accordingly, mom may be forced to take legal action (not sure if she'd have grounds to do that, but it might get his attention). CC it to the court to be placed in the file. If mom has an attorney, have him send the letter.

As for the other stuff, not much you can do. He can use a sitter if he wants.

[Lovestoread]

To me it just sounds more like a control issue than anything else, but if the child is sick, I'd be taking them to the doctors and having it documented.

The ear infections that another thing too. Is the child around second hand smoke? There's something else you could possibly have put in your court order if you wanted. But if the bio mom smokes too, what's the sense?

[Marsha]

Agree with the advice given you.  My daughters father takes poor care of her, she is now going on ten, and I just have to suck it up.  The courts see time with the mother and father as paramount, and unless there is neglect or abuse going on (even been some of that...no biggie), they don't look at the smaller stuff.  While big to you, it IS a difference in parenting styles...many parents raise their kids on sugar, dairy (do agree with the poster to get a doctors note), strange bedtimes.  I am still dealing with handling "transition days" with kid gloves...the courts don't give a crap about her best interests - her emotional and psychological state of mind.   The courts aren't really equipped to go there, they don't know our kids.

However, it sounds like dad keeps taking mom to court right?  My ex did the same.  Every time things were tough here for her because of the last round of court ordered changes for her.  So each time I attempted change where I could.  She can request to be able to call and say goodnight to daughter, she can request to be notified of caretakers (not sure if the court would grant that or not), can request communication weekly with dad as to childs welfare...perhaps email.  She can ask, if she wants it, court ordered coparent counseling with dad for a set period of time.  All of this can be done in a responsive declaration when dad files a motion.  No, there is not nearly enough for mom to file her own motion, but she can get her two cents worth in when dad files.  Hope that helps.