summers?

[stunneddad]

I have a daughter who will be 3 in april. Her mom and I have been splt up for about a year and a half but have split custody 50/50 and all has worked out fine. I recently lost my job and had to move back to my fathers house which is 3 hours away. Dragging my daughter back and forth is definitely not in her best interest but neither is loosing her dad. Her mom wants me to accept every other weekend and 2 weeks in the summer...  thats just not enough time to be an effective father. I want to push for 1st, 3rd, and 5th and the whole summer, is this realistic. I live in Tx. I will be moving about and hour closer in a week, and have a stable safe environment in which to have my daughter in, and I dont want to loose the very close bond we share already. I would push for 50/50 until school starts but I still dont have a job lined out. I had a heart attack when my daughter was 11mo and mom split shortly thereafter and Im still trying to regain my momentum. She stayed home the first 11mo with her and I was the primary caregiver for the next six, then we went to 50/50. Once I am more stable I plan to move back and volley for 50/50 again. Thanks in advance....

[MixedBag]

hmmm...the entire summer?

I think realistically 1/2 the summer is what you'll end up with.

But if you want more, keep this in mind -- the child is entitled to some summer time with both parents.  As the CP, I would fight you tooth and nail from having ALL of the summer with our child.

Think about it...

and above all GOOD LUCK with your health so that you can continue to be a parent in your child's life!

[stunneddad]

I see your point.... but is true that once I am stable again, if i move back to the same school district and have a stable environment I can petition the court for 50/50 split again, or is it once I agree to this, that's it, Ive lost out on the childhood of my daughter for good?

And thanks BTW about the luck on my health....

[MixedBag]

IMHO --- the sooner you get yourself back into the position of being able to do 50/50, the better.

Until then, go by the current order as much as possible.....stall, delay, and stuff and then when you are back, she will have to go by the current order -- which is (maybe?) still 50/50.

[stunneddad]

What is "IHMO"?

We have no current order from a court, but what i mean is  finishing my degree and then move back to her school district within the next couple of years....or is that too late?

What I want to do is better myself now while I have her less time, because honestly Im not in that great of a position to take care of her half the time monitarily... which is why im agreeing to any of this in the first place... Either way I go, weather through the court or on our own I am still gonna loose time. My question now is in regaurds to the possiblity of accepting  less time now, then in a couple of years or so, when I am in a better position, moving closer and asking a court agree to 50/50 at that point.... or at least more time with my daughter? Is that realistic?

Either way being closer to her is my goal, I just need a place where the cost of living is not so much in order to pull this off. My goal is to have my degree and be debt free. yes I will be about 2 hours away for a couple of years, but still have her the 1st,3rd,and,5th, alternate holidays, alternate her birthday, every fathers day, and some in the summer but in the hopes that once my "house is in order" I will get more time.  Does that sound like a realistic plan?

I think honestly taking so much money out of both mine and her mothers pockets if we hire attorneys only hurts my daughter in the end and decreases her standard of living in the near future, not to mention it doesn't help me achive the goal of being more financially stable and being able to move closer.  I do want a judge to sign off on whatever we agree to including her mom not leaving the state, etc...I do not, however, want to give up being her dad....what are your thoughts?

[Kitty C.]

IMHO - in my humble opinion.

The child is only 3....as for summers, I would ask for a graduated plan (this is ONLY if you don't end up with 50/50 in the long run).

DS was 4 when we worked out a custody agreement, which was interstate (1800 miles apart).  Summers started out with 4 weeks and graduated up 2 weeks every year, to where it was one week after school was out to one week before school started.  A couple reasons for this:  it gave DS some 'breathing room' in between exchanges (DS was severe ADHD then) and allowed for MD and DDS appts. before school started.  But this makes sense for a long distance visitation plan.  Since you're only 3 hours away right now and have every intention of moving closer, it would be easier to split up the summers so that she can spend more time with both parents. 

If you do end up with 50/50, what I would recommend is not changing a thing during the summers, but if either parent is planning on a vacation during that time away from home, a request should be submitted to the other parent no later than a certain date (say 5/1 if you would have to make reservations or whatever).  Say either parent gets up to 2 weeks extended vacation....regardless fo whether you decide to go somewhere or not.

I know where Mixed Bag is coming from (MB, you know me!), but I also understood how little DS got to see his dad.  I never got to enjoy fireworks with my son until he was 14, because his dad died the summer he was 13.  He never got to go on any camping trips with us, unless we went for a weekend before or after he went to his dad's.  DS and I missed out on a lot for 8-9 summers, but I still would not give it up for anything, for what little time he got with his dad.

[stunneddad]

I understand splitting the summers, especially if we are 50/50, but as it sits she is asking me to acccept less than 1/3 of the year...and thats a conservative estimate. I am just wondering if the plan I am laying out is realistic. I still dont have a clear answer on that. Also I am trying to find out if I give that time up now to better myself and put myself in a position that will clearly be more beneficial to my daughter do I have a shot at 50/50 later assuming it doesnt disrupt her school schedule? - Thanks.

I am sorry for DS's loss. My baby almost lost me at 11mo....its scary to think about. I have changed many things in my life to be able to walk her down the isle...and every turn i get too seems like more stress than the last. If I can hold on to a relationship with my daughter I feel everything will work out.

[ocean]

Once you go to court and get any type of visitation down then in becomes VERY hard to change so ...if you wind up in court over this then no you will not be able to change it easily. If you go to court the only suggestion I would give is to put in there "when father returns to school district visitation will switch back XXX"
She could still fight that if it has been a long time but at least you will have that written in there...

Depending on the schedule..until school age you could do one week on and one week off? or longer weekends?

[MixedBag]

I understand splitting the summers, especially if we are 50/50, but as it sits she is asking me to acccept less than 1/3 of the year...and thats a conservative estimate. I am just wondering if the plan I am laying out is realistic. I still dont have a clear answer on that. Also I am trying to find out if I give that time up now to better myself and put myself in a position that will clearly be more beneficial to my daughter do I have a shot at 50/50 later assuming it doesnt disrupt her school schedule? - Thanks.

I am sorry for DS's loss. My baby almost lost me at 11mo....its scary to think about. I have changed many things in my life to be able to walk her down the isle...and every turn i get too seems like more stress than the last. If I can hold on to a relationship with my daughter I feel everything will work out.

You're not getting a clear cut answer because there isn't one.

In all the states I've dealt with (OH, WV, AL, GA, NV and England), none of them have anything in their codes/laws on when the child is supposed to be with either parent.  Unlike the child support side of the law, it hasn't been defined in the laws to give you a place to start.  See years ago, CS wasn't defined, so you haggled over it.  Now parenting time isn't defined and you haggle over that.

Here's what mom will argue -- "She is asking me to accept less than 1/3 of the year" -- well, YOU moved away so that 50% of the year is impossible.

I understand that going to college will in the long run be a better thing for you and your child, your future and all that good stuff (finished my MS degree too), but until you get an order in place a lot of that doesn't matter.    Here's where I think -- IMHO again -- that if a Mom says "going to college" the court will be more lenient than if the dad says "going to college".  Not fair,  and thanks to this place dads have made progress one step at a time.

Sound harsh?  actually just trying to be realistic.

Kitty has a very warm heart and is one of the few who understood that her son needed time with his dad too......early enough on so that her son could have time with his dad before the father's unexpected death.  I believe in that too and would have loved to have it as the NCP to our son for the 11 years I had to endure.   Now for me, the shoe is on the other foot, thanks to our son, and when he moved here, Dad received more time than I did as the NCP (but he and Camilla still witched about it and don't get it).

[stunneddad]

MB, your realism is appreciated and believe it or not prefered... heres where I am, I have gotton her to agree in writing that once I finish my degree and move back in school district that the 50/50 will resume... now, should I just have the agreement notorized and signed or should I get a judge to sign off on it thereby bounding me to this new schedule? If i get a judge to sign an agreement signed by both parties stating the 50/50 will resume, what kind of position does that put me in when I go to court later if needed?

BTW - thank you guys so much for your fast responses... I cant tell you how nice it is to be able to talk even if I dont get the exact answers I want, lol....