Long post, but lots of custody/divorce questions...

[debtman00]

When my wife & I got married, she told me the two most important things to her were financial responsibility and honesty.

We agreed to separate our finances, split all the bills and work on our own debt. We both came into the marriage with about $10,000 in debt. She has paid off about half of hers.

Four months ago, after 5 years of marriage and two kids (2 and 4), she found out that I've been lying to her about my credit card debt. I was laid off the year our daughter was born and spent time working from home and helping take care of our daughter and haven't focused on getting on top of the debt since then and now have around $35,000 in debt. The money was spent on home repairs, gas, groceries, etc. and there were numerous things I paid for and didn't split with her because I knew she made less money than I did, and, after I went back to work, she was only working 3 days/wk. (at her own, home-based business) while I worked 5 (although I always watched the kids on nights and weekends when she needed to get extra work done). I lied to her about the debt because I knew she would freak about it and I kept telling myself I was going to fix it, but never focused on it and never told her that I couldn't afford to do something.

Now, she's ready to leave me and keeps telling me that our entire marriage was based on lies.

Other than the money, I'm a great husband and father. She's told me that I'm a great guy an an amazing father, but just doesn't think she can ever trust me again. She says it's too late to change things and I should have changed them 7 years ago. We went to counseling, but the counselor said it wouldn't work if both of us weren't willing to admit there was a chance to work things out and move beyond the past. Some of my family is convinced that she's going through a mid-life crisis and isn't happy with her own situation.

I've helped her get her business running, and have spent countless hours doing anything she needs for her business. I have always supported and encouraged her to follow her interests and activities and am always pushing her to get involved in things. And she keeps telling me that our marriage has never been a partnership and I've never done anything to help her out. After hearing that, I'm sure she can convince herself of anything, and, even though she's told me she would never take the kids away from me, I don't want to rely on that.

We're still living together. I've been to financial planning, debtors anonymous meetings, have a debt management plan set up, and feel better about my finances than I ever have. I'm taking lots of side jobs and, with my current budget, should be debt free within 2 years if I keep up this pace.

I keep telling her that I want, more than anything, to do anything I can to work on our marriage, save our family, repair the damage I did, etc. but she seems to have already moved on (cutting me out of pictures she posts online, removing her "married" status from her online profiles, spends all her time chatting online, making new "virtual" friends, taking trips with her friends - male and female, told me she is going to "explore her relationships with her male friends" and that we're not accountable to each other), but gets angry with me if I start doing things that look like I'm moving on (meeting my friends for a drink, going out, getting involved in things I did when we first met, etc.).

I'm just trying to keep things as friendly as possible, so, if we do break up, we can stay close enough to share the kids and be pleasant to each other. However, out of guilt, I'm taking over doing most of the chores around the house, and am constantly walking on eggshells to avoid making her angry.

She thinks we should keep living together, in this emotional limbo, until I finish fixing up the house and we can sell it and then we can both move into our own places and "figure out what's best for the kids at that point."

I have a great job that's very flexible, my family is in this area, but her family is either out of state (VA), or 2 hours away.

My concern is that I'll bust my a** fixing up the house, we'll sell it, then she'll move to be closer to her family and I'll have to quit my job, and move to follow her to be close to the kids.

I'm currently paying the entire mortgage (since last April when she was having problems keeping up financially and we decided that it was fair since she doesn't work as many days as I do), and her business is at a slow point right now. Since this all happened, we decided that I would watch the kids every weekend so that she can work, so we have equal work time, but she hasn't needed to since her business is slow right now.

I've figured out that I could re-finance our house, buy her out of half the equity, afford to pay all of the bills by myself, change my schedule at work to be 4-ten hour days so that I could take the kids 3-4 days/wk. and we could split custody evenly. Assuming that she can use the money to buy her own place and that she stays in the area.

So, all of this to get to the questions:
1) Is there any way to keep her from taking the kids and moving without getting into a big custody battle?
2) If it does come to a custody battle, is there anything I can/should do to put myself into the best position to get 50/50 custody (at least)?
3) Is it better to get divorced while in debt or wait? Better/worse for child custody?
4) Is it bad for me to keep paying the whole mortgage if we're equal w/kids?
5) Is there any reason to spend money and energy fixing up the house vs. buying her out now? I'd rather not sell the house, but need to get out of debt before putting any more $ into it, and, if she's planning to leave the state, I don't want to buy her out and then have to rush to sell to move closer to the kids.
6) How long do I have to be nice, do the dishes, laundry, clean, cook, watch the kids, etc. and put up with her telling me how this is all my fault? Should I keep spending my time doing things to help her with her business or tell her that I don't have time since I'm working so much to reduce my debt?
7) Anything I should avoid as far as child custody? Anything I should watch for with her?
Since we've always split the bills (other than the mortgage for the past few months), do I need to worry about her trying to get alimony?

I think that's it...thanks for any help, and for the time spent reading through this...I know it's long winded, but I wanted to try to get all the details in there.

[Gestalt]

So, all of this to get to the questions:
1) Is there any way to keep her from taking the kids and moving without getting into a big custody battle?

Depends on how adamant she is about moving- preventing her from moving the children out of the area WILL take a trip to court

2) If it does come to a custody battle, is there anything I can/should do to put myself into the best position to get 50/50 custody (at least)?

Have a time schedule and a proposed parenting plan that supports that. (Such as the 4 10 hr day schedule)

3) Is it better to get divorced while in debt or wait? Better/worse for child custody?

I think the answer to this will depend on how well you and your wife have kept the debt/assets separate with regards to how they qualify (or don't) as marital property/income/debt.

4) Is it bad for me to keep paying the whole mortgage if we're equal w/kids?

Bad in what respect?

5) Is there any reason to spend money and energy fixing up the house vs. buying her out now? I'd rather not sell the house, but need to get out of debt before putting any more $ into it, and, if she's planning to leave the state, I don't want to buy her out and then have to rush to sell to move closer to the kids.

If there is a chance at reconciliation- why not refinance together and include all the debt into the refi? Otherwise...if this were me- I would make sure what was going on with the kids prior to making any property decisions that could impede my ability to be with the children.

6) How long do I have to be nice, do the dishes, laundry, clean, cook, watch the kids, etc. and put up with her telling me how this is all my fault? Should I keep spending my time doing things to help her with her business or tell her that I don't have time since I'm working so much to reduce my debt?

Totally personal decisions for this question- for as long as you feel it's the right thing to do.

7) Anything I should avoid as far as child custody? Anything I should watch for with her?

Just keep being a good dad, and- not saying your wife would ever do this, but I do know that a common tactic to gain the upper hand in divorce scenarios is the domestic abuse/restraining order route. Never put yourself in a position where you could be on the hook in that way.

Since we've always split the bills (other than the mortgage for the past few months), do I need to worry about her trying to get alimony?

This depends on the length of the marriage, any prenups, disparity in incomes, etc. Do you suspect she will request alimony?

I think that's it...thanks for any help, and for the time spent reading through this...I know it's long winded, but I wanted to try to get all the details in there.

Good Luck

[debtman00]

Thanks for the reply! Just to clarify a few things:

1) What might be some factors that could be used to keep her in the area? Her job is online, while mine requires me to be here physically. What are the odds of going to court and spending money on legal bills and being able to require her to stay in the area?

3) We have always split all of the household bills evenly, but decided up front to keep our credit card debt completely separate, so my debt is mine, and hers is hers, even though much of mine was spent on home improvements. I have more debt than her ($35k vs. $6k), but have a payment plan set up and have put myself on a VERY tight budget to pay it off ASAP (which will still probably be 2ish years). I was just wondering if it will reflect poorly on me to have so much debt? Is there a better/worse chance she could seek alimony/child support (if she takes the kids out of state) with my high debt load? I don't think she would seek alimony, but if she moves and I stay here with the house and job, I'm not sure how much she could seek in child support and that might not fit into my budget...of course, I would pay it, but I would rather sell the house (in that case) and move to wherever she goes and try to find a new job/house.

4) Is it bad for me to keep paying the entire thing if she decides to try to get alimony, saying that I was paying the whole mortgage and supporting her, even though, now, we can potentially work the same amount of days.

5) She's giving me NO indication that there's a chance at reconciliation, no matter how I try to "fix" things. She says she can't trust me and never will. There's no way she would agree to refinancing to pay off "my" debt. I'm not sure I want to delay my debt payments to spend $ on fixing up the house so we can sell it and then have both of us looking for new places to live when I can afford our current house and can refinance it, buy her out and she can look for a new place nearby.

7) No prenups, married 5 years, always split household bills evenly (up until last April, when I took over the whole mortgage payment since she didn't have as many days to work), she's always made about $10k less/year than me, but has always paid her half of the bills.

Thanks!! Also, I have an appointment with a lawyer tomorrow and will be asking many of these same questions...can you think of anything else I should be asking with our situation??

Thanks again!!

[tigger]

5) She's giving me NO indication that there's a chance at reconciliation, no matter how I try to "fix" things. She says she can't trust me and never will.

Have you seen "Fireproof"?  If not, rent it when it comes out Jan. 27th.  In the meantime, pick up a copy of "40 Day Dare" (book). 

[Kalkir]

Regarding alimony, that can vary a bit.  In Pennsylvania, spousal support is automatic and incontestable while the divorce is pending.  The payor's obligation will be dependent on the income differential, and will affect the payor's child support obligation as well.  It is possible for a custodial parent to be paying spousal support and recieving child support, and the Commonwealth makes asjustments accordingly.  But until the divorce is finalized, the spousal support is automatic. 

If the marriage is rather short, then Pennsylvnia, in general, awards little or no alimony in the divorce itself.  My ex managed to drag out our divorce process for five years, and I ended paying spousal support longer than we were married. 

Once the parties get lawyers, the adversity level tends to escalate.  The attorney's are not interested in reconciliation, but rather in protecting their client's rights to property and income.  Be sure to read the articles on this site about protecting yourself, as things can get very ugly very fast.  Right now, as long as you are making an effort to save your marriage, she has all the power and control, so she would be foolish in a way to end the current arrangement quickly.

As soon as she believes she is better off having unilateral control and possession of the property, she will not hesitate to cut you off completely.  I may be wrong in my assessment, but given her actions to "appear" single already, she seems to already be in the mode of consolidating her superior position in the relationship in anticipation of terminating it.

If you are feeling like I did when the bomb hit my life, then you are perhaps feeling powerless to fix things.  That is because in effect I was powerless; my ex had made a unilateral decision that destroyed the basic fiber of my identity as a family man.  I was hit with a restraining order based on fabricated charges, I lost contact with my son for weeks, and then spent years and every doillar I had fighting to stay in his life.  It is now 8 years later, and I am pleased to say that my son has has the benfit of both parents in his life.  But it cost me everything I had and more,  in money, and in blood, sweat, and tears. 

It does no good to get mad at the system.  It is better to recognize that for most men, a marriage split up with kids involved is like starting off with a first and ten on your own 5 yard line.  You do not go for the big plays in the early stages; you grind out the first downs until you get field position.  It requires patience and perserverance. 

This site is a tremendouse resource; I never would have made it through the first year as well as I did had it not been for this site.  The wisdom I picked up here has stayed with me through the long years since.  And I have a happy 12 year old son who is worth everything in the world to me, and he knows it.  And that was my entire goal: to ensure he knew he was loved by both parents.