Losing Battle?

[proeder1]

My son and his live in girlfriend of seven years are engaged in a bitter dispute for custody of their two young children (3 and 5).  Shortly after they moved in together, "Susan" confessed to my son that she was a "reformed" cocaine addict.  My son works long hours and although Susan has always been something of a "drama queen", things seemed to be tolerable until shortly after the birth of their first son.  My son began coming home from work and finding that Susan had been laying around all day, the house was always a mess, and dinner was not going to happen unless he prepared it.  Susan complained bitterly that she had been stuck at home with the baby all day and needed time with her friends.  She began going out several nights a week and not coming home until morning.  The situation continued to deteriorate with loud arguments and the police were called on several occasions.  Susan was arrested for prostitution and pleaded with my son for "one more chance" to get her act together.  She made several half-hearted attempts at rehab but showed no real commitment to getting her life on track.  My son told her he was fed up and she would have to move out.  She refused and an argument began that turned physical after she kicked and scratched him.  The police were called and although she claimed that he had assaulted her, she was placed on probation for domestic violence.  A couple of weeks later, she pawned many of their belongings and took off with his car.  My son figured she was gone for good and I watched their children until he returned from work two weeks later and found her at their home.  Another argument ensued and the police were called along with child protective services.  Even though Susan was on probation for domestic violence and my son had bruises where she had kicked him, he was arrested for domestic violence. My grandchildren were placed in my custody and we began dealing with "the system".

   Susan has never held a job and has received food stamps, housing, medical care, counseling, and legal services courtesy of the taxpayers .  My son has paid a small fortune in legal fees and attended anger management counseling at his expense.  Susan, on the other hand, has had to start her drug treatment, anger management, and parenting classes over time after time because she continues to miss classes and counseling sessions.  She has visitation with their children three afternoons a week and doesn't show up half the time.  She has never paid a penny toward child support and has told me she will be getting "every red cent of my son's check" when she gets custody.  For the past year, we have been going to court and Susan has managed to get one continuence after another in order to give her "one more chance".   The case worker assigned to the case has spent many hours investigating the situation and, after four months, recommended full custody for my son.  Still, the court continues to delay ruling.  Six weeks ago, our caseworker was transferred and a new caseworker was assigned.  We went to court last week and the new caseworker asked the court for a three month continuence to allow her an opportunity to evaluate the case.  Yesterday, she called me and said she wants to make sure Susan has all the support she needs and every opportunity to prove to the court that she can take care of her kids.  I asked her why we were doing this when my son has already proved that he can be a good parent and she told me that it's so devastating to remove children from the mother's custody that they always bend over backward to make sure the mother has every opportunity and resource available to help her learn to care for her children.

    I'm at my wit's end.  There are many men out there who are committed to the safety and well-being of their children but I have seen firsthand how difficult it is for a father to be granted custody.  I see so many organizations who offer counseling and support to women but can't find anyone who is dedicated to helping fathers work through our out-dated and biased legal system.  What's the answer?  Susan continues to receive food stamps, free legal representation, and free counseling while we've spent all our savings on attorneys and legal fees.  Still, all we hear from Child Protective Services is about how hard Susan is working to address her "issues".
The new caseworker seems to be dedicated to working with Susan and talks how about how proud she is of her "progress".  What are we supposed to do?  Sit here ans wait until the system decides that Susan has progressed enough to win custody?

Pat   

[Giggles]

My brother was in much of the same situation and has finally been awarded custody of his 2 children.  He had to fight not only the mother but also the State...thankfully he was able to prevail. It is an extremely biased system but not completely impossible.  You speak of a "caseworker" but has a GAL been assigned?  A GAL is basically a lawyer for the children.  Also, what does your son's lawyer say?  Perhaps you may need a more aggressive lawyer???

You may want to post this to Dear Socreteaser...he's helped me out quite a bit but be sure to read the posting requirements and follow them.
Good Luck!!!

[proeder1]

Thanks for the reply and advice.  Yes, a GAL has been assigned but he's pretty much a "sit back and see what happens" guy.  He knows the children are well cared for in my custody and has been more or less invisible at all the court hearings.

My son's attorney was adamant that we just wait and let Child Protective Services see what was going on.  He feels sure that they will see how Susan is and award custody to my son.  This was a good strategy because Susan has continually failed to follow through with her obligations.  The first caseworker (for six weeks) thought Susan was "desperately in need of help" and was very supportive of her but began to see how she was after a month.  Enter the next caseworker, again, she felt that Susan would be able to care for the kids and did everything she could to help her.  She, too, did an about-face after about four months and recommended custody for my son but Susan's attorney continued to get continuences in court.  She was transferred after eight months and we were assigned the "caseworker from Hell".
This woman was blatantly biased and did considerable damage in the time she was on the case.  She approved overnight visitation for Susan even though the previous caseworker had said Susan's living arrangements were not adequate for overnights (she's living in a three-bedroom house with three of her girlfriends and two other children).  She also ordered my son to begin "parenting classes" even though the previous caseworker had said he was wonderful with the kids and she saw no need for him to take classes.  She was very rude and opinionated with my son and accused him of "having some woman living with him".  This is absurd because the last thing he wants right now is another woman.  He hasn't even seen his friends or gone out for months.  She gave glowing reports about Susan and didn't even mention my son in her recommendations except to say that he needed to take classes.  After six weeks, she "no longer works for CPS" and we've been assigned a fourth caseworker.  I've only met this woman once and she seems fair but says she sees no harm in following up with the previous caseworker's recommendations.

So..we're in a holding pattern.  My son can't get into parenting classes until the end of July and Susan is "playing the game" pretty well right now.  She's been clean and sober for six months and is doing everything she's been ordered to do.  How many times have I seen this?  She can look good for short periods of time but she always goes back to her old friends and old patterns.  What scares me to death is that she may be able to hang in there long enough to get custody.

I'm new to this site and I'm wondering about your suggestion to send this to Dear Socreteaser.  Who is that?

Thanks!

[IceMountain]

Dear Socrateaser is another of the message boards on this site.  Scroll to the top of the page and click 'Jump to another Forum'.  You can choose Dear Socrateaser from there.  As the previos poster stated, make sure you read his posting rules before you post.  

[jopanate]

I'm not sure this is legal in your state, but you can check by calling the police or state attorney.  What I did to document how my ex wife was acting was went to Radio Shack and bought a small $40 tape recorder
(Model: CTR-123).  They will also have an attachment that will let you plug it into a phone line (CAT #43-228A).  To save money in tapes, also buy a wire that will let you connect it to your computer.  This is a cable with an 1/8" male end at BOTH ends.  This will plug into the tape player and the "microphone in" jack on the computer.  Then, every time there is something you can use, transfer it to the computer, then you can reuse the tapes.  Be sure to document ON THE TAPE date and time the call started.  You can also name the computer file whatever the date is.  Remember, you need to check the legality in your local jurisdiction.  Some states will give you jail time for this, and that's the last thing you want when going into a custody battle.  Good luck.

[proeder1]

Thanks for the suggestion.  We actually did this some time ago.  The laws in KY state that the device is legal as long as the party owning the phone is aware of it.  Believe it or not, from the day we installed the recorder, the screaming phone calls stopped.  It was almost as though she knew it had been installed.  There's no way she could have known and it's been amazing to us that there hasn't been a harrassing call from the day we set up for recording.  We probably blew it when we told the caseworker we were going to record her calls.  I find it hard to believe but I wonder if the caseworker blew the whistle.  It's VERY strange that she seemed to know.

[jopanate]

Yes, it sounds to me like the case worker told her.If you make a mental list of all who knew, then think about who could have told, you can get to the culprit pretty fast.  Good luck, and keep us posted.

[4honor]

Give her $300 and hope she jumps off "the wagon"... it's cheaper than a continuance... don't forget to give her a 1099 for next year's taxes for that gift.

If she is really getting her act together, then the kids win. If not, it should shorten this mess.

Is it legal?  YEP?
Is it ethical? Maybe!

[proeder1]

Latest Update:
Children came home from Saturday's overnight visitation with Mom.  I asked them if they had fun at Mommy's house and the five-year old told me "We don't go to Mommy's house anymore.  We go to Jay's."  I asked him who Jay was and he said, "You know, that man."  I asked him if they slept at Jay's house and he said they "had one of those beds you blow up and put on the floor."  

I left a message for the caseworker to call me two days ago.  She still hasn't called.  I never get an answer on her phone.  Just leave a message.  I've left three in the last two days.  In the meantime, the boys went for their afternoon visit with Mom yesterday.  I asked them if they went to Mom's or Jay's.  The five year old told me,"I told you, we don't go to Mommy's house anymore.  We went to Jay's".

Evidently, Mom has a new boyfriend and is living with him.  I'm really steamed about this because I told the caseworker Mom did not meet the criteria for overnight visitation (a separate space for the kids with their own bed and drawers) and she assured me that Mom now lives with another woman and she meets the criteria.  I know Mom got one of her friends to say they're living together and it really burns me to know that she's lying and getting away with it.  I don't know if I should tell the caseworker or just try to follow her to "Jay's house" and get evidence."

[swilloug]

I know what you are going thru!!  In May of 2003 I received a call from my SIL and she needed a "safe" place for her and her boys.  The kids' dad was in and out of jail with them fighting all the time and he final got put away for several months for beating her with an axe handle.

Once she moved in with us we realized how strungle out on meth she was and that her kids were dropped off anywhere and everywhere.  All I wanted was the kids to be safe and have a shot at life.  A few weeks past and she could not live with our rules so she would be gone for days while my husband and I cared for the kids (atleast we knew how and where they were).  Then she ran with them.  With the help of some friends we tracked her and she was picked up on prostitution and meth.

The kids went to foster care the first two weeks or so of July while we worked on getting custodianship of them.  We had them for five months she rarely would show up to her visits and blamed us for her loosing her boys.  Oh and I forgot to mention she was pregnant again on METH!  She had the baby in October while she was in "rehab."  The initially took the baby from her and that was the only child she was conserned with but they gave her back since BM was "supervised."

December came and they returned to their mother.  This was a total shock since she had only really started rehab at the beginning of October.   We have not seen them since but know that she married the kids dad that beat her.

I could go on and on, but my best advise to you would to make sure you show up to ALL the court dates.  I truely beleive this is were we went wrong.  I know she lied about what we did and didn't do for her and or the kids, so they saw her as this "great person."

We have not seen the kids in a year and a half now which makes me very sad but I hope that their parents have finally made good changes for all of them.

Good luck to you and document, document, document!!