Any ideas would be helpful!

[dontunderstand]

How to proceed?

I will try to outline the important points. We live in WA state.

My DH and I have been trying to get reasonable visitation for my 7yr old SD. Due to lack of good representation, this has dragged on for the last 3 yrs. (Now have competent representation)

Everytime DH and SD spend any amount of time together, BM pulls her away and makes excuses for no visitation. We had SD 2 days and nights a week and every other weekend which worked out great! This was not a court order yet, we were waiting for the court date. Mom decided to take away weekday visits because this is "disruptive" to SD.

Now we get to the meat...SD has missed over 60 days of school this year and been tardy over 40 times. (With us, she was tardy 1x) Mom blames tardies on SD "behavior problems" SD has no bx issues at school or else where. She was not even enrolled in school for 2 mo. She has changed schools 3 times and just got caught up in reading, (due to DH working with her) she was VERY far behind! (we have daily attendance records)

BM has moved over 7 times in the last 3 years, just abandoning the residences. ( Have letters from prior residences) Moves w/out notifiying DH. BM disappeared for 1 1/2 yrs while DH went TDY for military. No phone # either, now stating DH choose not to see daughter.

BM can't keep a job, can't stay on state assistance (won't participate with program requirements)

BM states major issues with DH "not caring about SD safety" "not putting her in a car seat." BM has 17 muni court issues including hit and run and false reporting, not wearing a seat belt, no ins. speeding etc...

BM calls police and makes false reports against DH that include 4 degree aggr. assult. (requested police report)

BM calls SD while visiting and tries to manipulate her into wanting to come home (have taped conversations) We went to a therapist and have pages and pages of "my mommy said"... IE "if I like you and be nice to you then I have to live with you and you won't take care of me and I will never see her again" "Dad is consistant and is progressing well with visits"(documented)

The list is endless. The 1st commisioner saw through the crud and told her to stop trying to turn daughter against DH.
2nd comissioner believed every single lie. We requested reconsideration hearing.

We now get SD 1 day a week for 4 hours and every other weekend, and every other holiday. DH can only call SD 1x a week!

We are devastated. SD is so confused, and feels so guilty for spending time with us.

What else can we do?
How do we proceed?
Please help! And thank you!

Hang in there, your kids are worth it!

 

[joni]

if your new atty is truly competant, he should be filing a set parenting plan with the court YESTERDAY

what are you waiting for?  until you don't see the child at all?  then the judge is going to look you in the face and say....'why did you wait so long to complain about this?"

you're losing credibility every day.

ask for a parenting plan that includes 50/50 shared parenting time.  I think you have a strong case for that....if not for physical primary custody.

[dontunderstand]

We did ask for a parenting plan and physical custody.  The problem is that BM is a pathological liar and unfortunately this commissioner believed her.  We got 1 day a week 3-7pm and every other weekend.  Every other holiday and 1 week in the summer.  That is the fimal order.  The problem is that BM is still not getting SD to school on time and she is still moving in the middle of the night, etc...  and in order to go and get the final order revised, we have to wait for her to contempt or get more info. so we can request a change of custody and actually have a shot....any other suggestions?

[joni]

what about getting a GAL appointed?  generally the court follows their recommendation, which could be good or bad for you.

1 week during the summer is downright pathetic.  how can that be in the child's best interest?  what was this mother lying about with regards to you?  

can't you get this appealed?

[jopanate]

Since you mentioned TDY, I assume you or DH are military?  There are two things I can say about that...one, try to get some help from JAG.  SD is still a military dependant, so they should at least be able to provide some information.  The second is what about deployments or PCS (permanent change of station for the non-military out there)?  Does BM express any concerns over that?  Even if she doesn't, she may once it becomes a reality.  Just a few things to consider when aproaching this.

The other thing I would say is watch out with regards to taping.  I know my state (Nebraska) has some of the most liberal phone taping laws, but they still forbid taping conversations you are not a party to.  Check the local laws, and if it is illegal, destroy those tapes and forget what's on them, because you won't be able to use it anyway.

[dontunderstand]

We asked our attorney for an appeal, however the comissioner was "well with in the guidelines of the law" so I guess there are no grounds to appeal.
As for a GAL, apparently when we agreed to go for the final plan we gave up the right to a GAL until something new comes up, so now it is a waiting game...
1 week in the summer is pathetic!  The real pathetic part is that we asked for the week after school got out so we could take SD and my daughter to Disneyworld so SD could FINALLY meet DH family and we were DENIED even though it was our weeked so we would have just gotten a thurs and mon.  The comissioner said we could "change the tickets and our plans and go in August" during the week he appointed.
Nothing BM does is in the best interest of SD!  
She lied about everything.  There were 13 pages in her last declaration.  She said DH and I do not look out for the safety of SD, IE a car seat (she is way too tall) and this is coming from a woman that has 17 incidents with muni court for hit and run, reckless driving, false reporting, not wearing a seat belt, speeding, etc.  She said SD missing 60 days of school was because SD has been sick "with every cold and flu that was out this year because she never went to daycare"  (She did go to daycare) She was tardy 40 times because "SD has behavior problems."  Yet she has NONE at school or when she is with us.  She said she is buying a house, but she doesn't know the address and she has abandonded every residence she has lived in, the list is endless!  Every single thing we do in our house she claims she does and takes credit for, good example, DH plays school with girls and we bought workbooks for them SD was far behind in reading when we started all of this her reading took off!  BM sat in court and said she came so far because she is such a "dedicated mom"  UGH!
It is never ending...

[dontunderstand]

Thanks!  DH was military, however honerably d/c'd almost a yr ago.
As for taping, it is more for us  to try to combat BM manipulation because SD gets off the phone in hesterics and then lies and puts alot of stress on herself to cover for mom.  Also for our attorney so that he knows what we go through and how to better approach our case.  Not admissible in court, not intended for...

[Luving StepMom]

Unfortunately I don't have much advice for how to proceed at this point to try and see your SD more, but I wanted to tell you that you're not alone!  My DH and I have been going through almost the exact same issues over the past few years with my SS - BM has been evicted from last 5 homes, moves in the middle of the night, has 2 warrants out for her arrest, etc etc.  

So we moved to the same city as SS to try to see him and help him get out of this situation. Bm agreed to 2 nights/week and everything was fine and dandy until she realized child support would be adjusted because of that and everything changed. We even offered to keep CS the same right before we went to court, but by that time she wouldn't agree to anything.  

The judge didn't think us moving to the same city and my DH working out of the home now was "significant change" so we couldn't go for change in custody, and he wouldn't agree to the 50/50 request we were asking for.  We even had a custody evaluation done by a GAL who said that 50/50 would be best and that SS needs to see his father more AND that mother has issues with being good role model, etc.

So at this point we've exhausted all we can in the legal system - that is until she "hangs herself" and we have enough for a significant change.  We have decided to swallow our pride and kiss BM's butt, because that's the only way we get to see SS.  We're going to focus on what we can do to impact his life in the short time we have him now (1 night/week and every other weekend) rather than focusing on how we can have him more in the future.  

I know it's not the answers you want right now, but know that you DO make a difference in your SD's life right now, even if it's less time that you want to have with her.  Continue to build a strong relationship with her and have confidence that she will grow into a smart young woman who will probably choose your DH to live with once she has a chance!

Best of luck...

[dontunderstand]

Thank you so much! It is just so nice to talk to people who know 1st hand what it is like.  It is so frusterating that WE do ALL the right things and the ones that lie and manipulate GET everything!  I will tell you that since we started on this and started seeing in depth how BM operates, the legal system in this great U.S. is absolutely rediculous!   Our legal system needs a SERIOUS overhaul.  
I am sorry to hear that you too go through what we go through.  I wish it upon no one!  It has definately taken a toll on us, but we too like you will continue on praying and fighting the entire way, she is DEFINATELY worth it!  
I wish you all the best and yes she will hang herself sooner or later and for all involved lets just hope that it is sooner...