what can i do?

[sadsmile]

My brother dated a girl and lived together for about 2 yrs. They are no longer together but they have a four year old daughter. Recently she met a new man and after dating for one month moved him in her home. There were no problems until she started dating this man. Now she won't let my family see her (before she came over almost everyother weekend), and gives my brother a hard time, and is even telling my neice lies about my family and now says because of us she needs therapy. She wants her to call the new boyfriend DAD and my neice refuses. He pays support and helps with everything even her other children which are not his. They are now going through a custody hearing with a mediator and now I am afraid the close relationship he has with her and my family has with her will be afftected. She does not want my brother involved at all, all of a sudden. He has been there since the day she has been born. They have a wonderful relationship and he is a great dad. What can I do if anything?

[janM]

He is doing what he should do to obtain his rights. Until he has court orders, he really has no rights and Mom can do as she pleases. Mom's behavior "all of a sudden" is because she wants to replace him with the "new daddy". I hope the court is aware of this, it will not look good on her. Is there a guardian ad litem (child's attorney) on the case?

When he gets court ordered parenting time, he can allow other family members to see her. What you can do, is be supportive of him. That's all. Let us know how things turn out.

[sadsmile]

Thanks and I will keep you posted.

[cautiousfather]

You say they are working through a mediator?  If they can't mediate this thing if it works there like it does in my juridiction they'll be heading to court.

I'd be going back and gathering all the financial records I could showing what has been done outside of child support.  Also if there are people especially those outside of the family who can attest ( and may be willing to testify) to his involvement that would be great.  Your family can provide testimony to his relationship with her and with the family but if there is a family minister, daycare provider, neighbors or friends who have witnessed the closeness with your brother and your family it could be helpful.

Secondly, if he has anything in writing (letter, email, saved text, etc) or if you know someone she has stated to or in front of that she doesn't want him involved and wants the new boyfriend to be "daddy" it could be very valuable.  Do they currently communicate directly in anyway?  If so, if it's by phone and your state allows one party recording, I'd jump on that.  Same way if they meet in person, it would be a good idea for him to always have a digital recorder on him.  I got one at Radio Shack that is date and time stamped and allows you to download to a computer.  Also, I'd be going through any pictures or home movies that have been taken when bm was there with daughter and with daughter alone over the past 4 years showing it wasn't a problem until the new guy showed up.

It sounds like the bm is getting on the "health professional" bandwagon.  So she has an expert witness to back up her claims that it isn't in daughter's best interest to spend time with her dad for any reason.  This is not good.  It's surprising how some of these professionals can be sucked in based on only a onesided story.  It damaged my case but it could've been much worse as some steps were taken to head off at least some of the damage.  I'd be sure my attorney (if it comes to that) is fully aware of this.  My attorney was aware as I told him and he blew it off and it came back to bite us.

I'd say one way you may be able to help is by doing what you're doing here-----getting input and perspective.  Also, you might serve him well by doing all the research you can about your state's statutes on custody and more importantly your district courts statutes.  I found the default parenting plan for my district on line. This can be very time consuming and at times draining.  Some of my family helped me with it.  We kept a three ring binder which we then copied for my attorney. 

[Marsha]

I would think another thing dad could do is when he files papers, as part of his case that previous to this new bf, that he and daughter have had a wonderful relationship.  Perhaps family members, even though it may be considered hearsay, could write succinct letters stating their observations of the relationship up until now...and be put in the order as attachments to dads written declaration.

[sadsmile]

Well, they went to the mediator and they are having joint custody so she will be with him 2 days a week, and on weekends. and they will alternate holidays. He also drives her to school and picks her up everyday. Also, now there is a appointed guardian ad litem for my neice. The good thing is my neice is very vocal that she wants to see her daddy and is not very fond of the boyfriend. In addition to our surprise her (the mother) siblings have all spoken on my brother's behalf which is great. So we will continue to pray that this stays amicable and continue to document everything because it seems to always be changing.

[Marsha]

That is great news!!!  Hopefully mom will eventually grow up and develop more respect for the dads role in his daughters life.

[cautiousfather]

Sounds like a lot of people of her number.  That really is a good thing.  I'm shaking my head here that it's nice they got it right (that doesn't always happen). 

A precedent has been set now if he's got her 4 days a week and is transporting her to school everyday.  That's going to be hard to change.

Congratulations.

[sadsmile]

Well she was pretty pissed about the outcome. But when you bring the boyfriend of 3 months to a mediation hearing it doesn't look so good. Because really he has no say so in what goes on. But that's her own stupidity. The good thing is they didn't want to change the routine that my neice had grown accustomed to which was her dad taking her to school and picking her up was kept in the agreement. In addition the child appointed guardian is a great idea. They really do want to do what is best for the child, and I know 4 may be young but she makes it very clear that she loves her daddy and her grandparents and want to see them. I just hope it stays amicable you never know and man as a woman it is sad to see that the system really doesn't support fathers. Something has to be done. And my advice to other women is if the Dad is there and is supportive let them be a Dad stop making it so hard for them. This has opened my eyes as well.

[Lovestoread]

I don't think it's so much that the system doesn't support fathers, as it is that fathers don't assert themseves as much as they should.

They don't realize that they have as many rights as they do. They feel that they are beat down from the word get go, know what I mean.

They need to go out there and grab the world by the big ones.

Tell your brother I wish him luck.

Fight the good fight.

It's worth it in the long run.

My son's ex tried to replace him with a new daddy, and the guy is already long gone. Yep. Go figure. :::Shakes head::::