I'm a newbie to this forum, and oh so frustrated! Badly needed advice/opinions..

[HFXMOM]

Ok...as much as I would like to keep this post short and sweet, I'm not so sure I can. (

So here's the story. I'm involved with a man that makes me feel like I'm the only woman alive. He treats me the way all women want to be treated. Great right? Yes! Wonderful. Here's the issue. He has a daughter from a previous relationship. She is as cute as a button. Shy as can be, and did I mention cute as a button?!...LOL Her father loves her to death, and dotes on her in a way that I've never seen before.

This is where the problems start. If she's rude to someone, it's "oh she's just tired", or he'll use humour to cover it up. I've spoken to him about it, but I get " I only see her every second weekend..I have to spoil her to a certain extend". He thinks she's not getting what she needs from her mother (I know she is). He goes on about how she never eats right at her mothers, however I know she doesn't eat right at her father's either "oh, we had a late lunch and she didn't feel like eating much". (so junk food and chocolate cuts it right?)

He's in court battles with the ex, and asks my advice (as I've been through it so much with my ex, I could be a lawyer (paralegal background count?) however won't take it. I could go on and on, I think both he and his ex could benefit from parenting classes, and he's already made an appointment to go to private councelling to deal with other issues.

For ex; here's one recent situation. Last weekend was his mother's b-day. Whole family is home (BIG family). All grandkids there but one. His ex said " this isn't your weekend". This coming weekend (tomorrow) is his daughter's brother's birthday (confused yet?). The ex said "I'd like her to be here for it" Yet this weekend is his weekend with his daughter. So he says " how about if you drop her off Friday night, I'll have a b-day cake here for him, and she can share his b-day". He told me this and I said "Are you serious?!" He asked me why...I clued him in to the fact that if all his friends are going to be there, she's going to want to be there too. He says "well, it's my weekend with her, I want her, why can't I have my cake and eat it too?" I replied" so you want to make her miss her brother's (whom she lives with) birthday party for your selfishness???" "Well...." was all I got. So I suggested that he make arrangements to pick her up immediately after the party and keep her for the remainder of the weekend. "Hmmmm...I didn't think of that" he says. He's so intent on having a pissing match with his ex, that he can't see what's is really happening.

I've been frank with him and told him that the whole situation makes me very uncomfie. He asks me if I'll ever get over it. I told him when he's able to get a better grip on the situation, maybe. I've backed off significantly. It's the only way I know to deal with it right now. Any other suggestions??

[tigger]

Run. 

If he's wanting (as you put it) a pissing match with his ex, he's not ready for another relationship.  If he's too busy being his daughter's weekend dad, he's not ready to parent her. 

It's a mess in the making and you already see the red flags.

[Kitty C.]

It sounds like his divorce was pretty recent (meaning within the past 2-3 years).  He and his ex are playing a 'tit-for-tat' game that will ONLY hurt the child in the long run.

Someone once told me about exes:  'You have to love your child more than you hate your ex.'  It took a long time for my DH to 'get' that.........and now he either just shakes his head (when she acts like she's a few bricks short of a load) or only pities her.  I know it was a turning point in my relationship with DS's dad.  Once we got to that point, it was much easier to co-parent.

Now, your BF will probably tell you that he already does love his child more, but when he makes comments like wanting his cake and eat it too, he's not coming close.  When ALL his actions regarding his daughter is what she needs (and NOTHING to do with his wants), he will be on his way.  But as long as both he and his ex want to play that game, the child will suffer.  You don't mention how old she is, but guaranteed sooner or later she will pick up on this.  If one parent doesn't nip this in the bud now, she will learn very quickly that she can play one parent off the other to get what she wants, which isn't necessarily what she should have.

Also, hopefully when he's in counceling, he will be told that regardless of how much time he spends with his child, he must always be a parent.  Not a friend and certainly not to spoil her.  He's setting himself up for major problems, especially when she gets to her tweens and teens.

And you're right in backing off...it's called 'disengaging' and if you do a search on this site, I think you will find an article about it.  Prepare yourself.....the road might get bumpier before it smoothes out.

[HFXMOM]

Ok..Thanks for the input btw. )

His daughter just turned 4. I mentioned the "parenting" thing to him, as opposed to being her "friend". The response I got was " but I don't want her to hate me". I laughed and told him all children at some point in time will claim to hate thier parents for one reason or another. Not to take it too personally - that it's usually 'cos they aren't getting what they want at that time.

I also told him that I will not progress any further until I see some changes. Also told him that if the councilling doesn't work, we won't work either. I know everything takes time. However, I also told him that I have 2 children myself, if I wanted to raise a 3rd, I would have had another one by now. LOL Also told him that he and the ex need to do some serious growing up. Especially for their daughter.

They've been split up for 2 years now, and can not get a long at all. He claims to want to be her friend - if for nothing else than the daughter's sake. However when he talks about his ex, I hear nothing but bitterness and resentment.

I can honestly say...my ex is my bestfriend, and let me tell ya, it makes a difference with the kids. They are so happy, and are "typical" kids.

I want to hold out hope that eventually they are both going to grow up....but the light of hope is is dim right now. Not fading, just dim. *sigh*

[HFXMOM]

Update

Ok...so my bf got to see his daughter after her borther's b-day party. Good deals!

Last night, BF and I were chatting. He asked me what I was thinking about in regards to the "kids" thing. So I finaly spilled and told him that I'm tired of watching him be a "Friend" to his kids and not a parent. He kept trying to male excuses, but eventually he resigned to the fact that I had a point. He tried to tell me that I can feel free to help him parent. I told him that until he learns how to parent, it would only add to the confusion of me stepping in. He didn't see it that way. I told him I refuse to parent his children.  "So what do I need to do to ake the stress of of you?" he asked (god love him). I told him that he needs to step up to bat and parent. I also told him that until I see progress of this happening, I can't not be around him when his children are present for fear that I may need stitches on my tongue. I also told him that I was not trying to make him feel bad, or tell him how to raise his children. He said he knows that all I'm trying to do is help him be a better parent.

So today, we went out to run errands. He gets a phone call from his son's SF to make arrangements to pick him up. SF comes out with " it's just going to be you and you daughter there tonight right? Just asking b/c your son wants to know". I believe this to be true, as SF and BM are not the interfering type, and have been  very supportive with us.

I couldn't believe my ears! I said to BF " this is why you need to parent your children, your son actually thinks he can tell you who you can and can't have over?!" BF replies.."yeah, I guess you are right about the parenting thing. I DO have to have a chat with him, but what should I say?" I told him that he first had to make his son understand that this  is his house not his sons and he has to be more respectful of that. Once that rule is laid out, he's then to question his son to find out what the reason is for wanting to know "who is going to be there". And why it bothers him so much. Then he can work on things.

I was so upset that he immediately understood why I've disengaged from the situation by not wanting to be around his kids. And god love him....when he went to pick up his daughter, he asked my kids and I to go for the drive with him. I know he was trying to include us too. Which makes me love him even more. However I had to decline. He wanted to get together to take everyone skating tomorrow afternoon, but I declined that as well. I told him that this is his weekend with his kids, and he needs to have that. He understood. However, once the children go to bed, I'm willing to bet, he'll call (as usual) and we'll talk for hours (as if he hasn't seen me for weeks). He's having a hard time. We both are. *sigh*