Another update on frustrated newbie.

[HFXMOM]

Ok, so last night the BF and I were talking. I asked him if he had a chance to talk to his son. He said a little bit, but didn't want to say too much with his daughter there. Completely understandable. So I left it alone. Later on when his son went to bed (did I mention the son is 11, on add meds and goes to bed when HE feels like it - usually arounf 11-12 PM), we talked again. I asked him how the discussion went, he told me that he asked his con why he wanted to know if I was going to be there. He son replied with "I just did". BF asked him again why he wanted to know. Again son relied with "just did". BF left it alone. So when we were talking on the phone, the son left his bed, came downstairs and my bf almost jumped out of his skin. It was as thought he didn't want to be caught on the phone with me. He started stuttering and everything. I could hear the son in the background asking "dad what are you doing" BF replied "nothing, I'll be up in a minute to uck you in".

So after the son when back upstairs to bed, I asked BF why he acted like that. He told me it was b/c he didn't want his son to hear the conversation. I can understand that part - except here's the thing. BF was whispering so low on the phone (so son wouldn't hear him all the way upstairs - which is three levels, and BF was on the bottom floor), that I could barely hear what he was saying and had to ask him to repeat himself numerous times.

He told me that he didn't want to make his son upset by asking what was going on. I asked him how the hell he would ever have an open relationship (which he doesn't have - son is too afraid to talk to him b/c he knows how sensitive his father is and doesn't want to make him cry) with his son, if he was afraid to sit him down now and talk to him? Needless to say...I was imformed that BF has to do a lot of thinking. I said ok. So do I.

So this morning, I get a text, asking me how I am. I replied. He then asked me to go skating with him and the kids. I declined. Told him I was still upset over last night. Said he would try to talk to son again. I don't believe him. I mean I think he will, but I think his efforts will be fruitless (will downplay the situation). I asked him if he had time to think. Said he did, and that he really wants to be with me, but feels torn between me and his family. I told him for the love of god don't. If he really feels that way, he shouldn't be with anyone right now until he can learn how to find that balance.

I feel so caught in the middle. I'm more often than not lately thinking it's time to get out. Concentrate on my own life for a while.

[Kitty C.]

This goes a lot deeper than I initially took it to be.  Your BF is not only walking on eggshells around his ex, he's doing it with his kids, too!  JMO, but he really needs to get some outside help and grow some thicker skin.  His actions with his son on the phone is a big eye opener.  There's no reason he should have to act that way around his son and he does not have to justify anything to his son, either.  He's an adult, he has the right to talk to whomever he wants.

But one other thing to think about here.....at least regarding his son.  With a son diagnosed with ADHD in 2nd grade (he'll be 20 in April and is still on meds), I know how tricky it can be to dose and time medication so that it is effective and doesn't interfer with sleeping and appetite.  So if his son is taking his meds too late in the day (depending on the dose, even 4 pm can be late enough to screw with sleep patterns), it's no wonder he can't get to sleep until midnight.  Over the course of the last 10-12 years, we've changed DS's dosing, timing and medications so many times, I've lost count.  We've even made a change and then had to change it almost immediately because the previous didn't work.

And if your BF's son is 11, he may be going into a growth spurt, meaning his dosage will need to be changed as his weight changes.  We've also changed DS's dosage and timing based upon what he needed academically.  DS was one of those who needed to be medicated 7 days a week, as it also affected him dramatically socially.

[Marsha]

Hi,

I've been reading your posts.  You sound like you are trying hard to have a healthy relationship with this man, and being as supportive of him as you can.  I have my own opinions/preferences, and I also know we are all different in what personalities work for us.  I am personally afraid of "pleasers", which is sounds like this man is, because its simply hard for me to be a 'strong woman' with a man who is not strong in himself, i.e. on his own is willing and able to set good boundries for himself, etc.

With complete due respect to you, it seems to me you are taking on the role of therapist and/or mother with this beloved boyfriend.  I hope you don't mind my saying that.  The only reason I do is because while clearly the boyfriend is showing a specific personality trait, as is his youngster, you are playing a part in this puzzle, despite your good boundries in letting him be with his kids alone on his parenting time.

I think this guy needs to work out his parenting issues on his own, and not make them a condition of his success with you as a boyfriend.  Thats setting up a relationship where his parenting behavior is based on your approval.

I hope I haven't said too much, if I have I am sorry.  I just see, what looks like to me,a unhealthy pattern that I don't see withstanding the possibility of a healthy long term relationship.

[HFXMOM]

Kitty,

You have no idea. He is going for councilling, and is awaiting the call for his first appointment date. Until then, I have suggested that we keep things at a good pace. He wants to see me every night. I think 2-3 times a week max is good for now. He's behavoir changes to almost childlike if we see each other more than that (and only seems to happen when he gets tired). To be completely honest, I'm to the point where on one hand I hope that councilling and meds (we think he's add as well) will help out b/c when he's not being childlike - he is unlike any man I have ever met (good and bad qualities). On the other hand - it's like I KNOW deep inside that it will not last. It's just like Marsha said, I feel more like his personal therapist, and legal council (I could write a book on Family Law, been there so many times with my ex). He asks my opinion "what would you do", but doesn't utilize it, not even some little tidbit. He hears what I say, but if he doesn't like how I have handled it, he comes back with " to each their own".

I understand the issue with his son, as both my children and I are ADHD. However, I have never been "babied" by my parents, and I don't "baby" my children. He does with his and can't understand how I can be so "adult like" with mine as he puts it. We all take our meds at the exact time everyday so we can be in bed at a reasonable time every night. His big excuse is " my daughter goes to bed at 9 b/c I only see her every other weekend, and my son goes to bed that late for the same reason (other than meds)" Did I mention his daughter is only 4 years old?!

Now that I have vented....LOL I guess the moral of the story is that it's a damned if I do and damned if I don't situation. Time will tell.

[HFXMOM]

Hi Marsha,

Thanks for writing, and no offence taken. I respect a person that can say what they mean, and mean what they say. You know...no BS!...LOL (That's how I am). I agree, I'm a woman with a very strong personality (take it like a man so to speak), and the man in my life needs to be just as strong, if not stronger b/c sometimes I need to be told "no" or " please be quiet - you talk too much"...LOL This man is definately NOT that! No self confidence, no self esteem, questions every action he does, and what he says. I like a sensitive man, but oversensitive is hard. Don't get me wrong - this man has so many good qualities, but sometimes I'm not sure that's enough glue.

I do more often than not feel like a mother to him. I've said a few times that if I wanted a third child, I would have had one...LOL

Like I told kitty, only time will tell. Right now my life is so busy (with my daycare, and I'm going to be moving this weekend, and just "life" in general), that I don't have time to dwell on his problems - so I don't. I have a rule I live by, and I tell him this all the time! "Worry about the things you can control, and the things you can't control..just go with the flow, b/c everythinghappens for a reason".

[Kitty C.]

"Worry about the things you can control, and the things you can't control..just go with the flow, b/c everything happens for a reason"  That's me all over!

Personally, I'd be taking some BIG steps back.  It almost sounds like he wants someone to take him by the hand and lead him through it.  But then when he asks you for advice, but never considers any of it...........if he asks again, tell him you won't tell him anything. To me, that's a slap in the face, because it almost seems like he's purposely asking what you'd do just to do the opposite.  If he disregards your opinion that much then he must not have much respect for you, either.

I know what you mean by being strong and needing that 'therapeutic brake' (so to speak!)...I was lucky enough to find that with my DH.  But as strong willed as you seem to be, dealing with someone who lacks that much in self-confidence and self-esteem turns it into a 'parent-child' relationship........definitely NOT good.  And I know there are many 'good' people out there, but if you aren't compatable emotionally and mentally, what's the point?  And it appears the compatability in your situation is on opposite ends of the spectrum, sad to say. 

As for his kids, who knows.  Maybe the counseling will do him some good.  BUT.....sometimes people quit because they're being told what the don't want to hear.  I'd be watching very carefully for that.  But for your own sanity, you might want to take a long, hard look at where you think this relationship is headed and if you know in your heart that it just won't work, better to end it now than to suffer more later.  You know what I mean?

[MomofTwo]

What you do is really all up to you... You see, hear, and feel the red flags but you are hanging in there.  No one can tell you what to do - especially when you know things are not good and don't feel right. Clearly you are concerned because you are here.  If you choose to accept all of those things about him, then you can't complain about it.   I am certain you feel he has positive qualities, but I read all of your posts and I am not certain why you are hanging in there.  He has anger issues with his ex (not sure what makes you think he wouldn't eventually treat you the same),  you don't like his parenting style... those are HUGE issues to contend with in a relationship.  You don't like how he has befriended his children. One thing I have learned is you cannot make someone act the way you do or the way you want them to - that is not your place in his life and will only lead to more issues.  I am not saying his way is right, but perhaps you are not the person who should be telling him how to parent.   I am not defending him, but maybe he feels torn between all of the people in his life - an ex that there are control issues with, children who he doesnt know how to parent, and now a new girlfriend that doesnt approve of his parenting and places demands on him.   I understand you say he makes you feel great, but maybe what he needs is to heal himself and his relationships that already exist in his life, before he can have a healthy relationship with anyone else.  If he doesn't heal himself, he won't be capable of giving you what you so clearly want and deserve.

PS....Sleep deprivation in ADD is a typical symptom and is not necessarily related to the meds, although they often exacerbate the situation.