Need some reassurance

[T0052SC]

I have finalized my divorce back in April.  Now I am dealing with clean up and life.  The problem I am running into is differences of opinions with co-parent counselor and me.  I wonder some times if she is bias.  Here are the two situations:

One visit we were to discuss the children's involvement with the church.  Just to let you know I was awarded 50/50 physical with my residence being the children's residence.  So now they attend the church in my town, school in my town, and doctors in my town.  The X has just decided that she didn't want to take them to church any more, and that she didn't agree with Methodist because she was catholic.  I had to prove to the counselor that this was bull because the X may have been confirmed catholic but always practice Methodist by showing her the old Methodist marriage license and baptismal.  But none of that mattered the counselor still questioned me heavily of why I wanted them to participate in church.  The X didn't get questioned on anything.  It made me feel as if I was wrong for wanting this for the kids and she was right with out cause.

The other is during another visit we discussed how if one of us could not watch the kids, because we were out of town or had to work late that the other should be given the right to watch the kids.  This was originally brought up by the X during another visit.  I brought it back up because lately the X has been working a lot of night and has had her mother pick up the kids and watch them all night.  I told her I felt that if this was a constant schedule with work that I should be able to watch the kids because the kids should have at lease one parent involved with them.  I told her that if this was only every now and then that it wouldn't be a big deal for grandparents to take over a night here and there, but the grandparent shouldn't take the role of a parent.  Back when my X brought it up the counselor thought this was a good thing but when I brought it up it was not reacted upon the same light.  The counselor instead questioned me constantly about the affect this would have on the kids if I was to watch them the majority of the time.  I told her that it can't be too bad if the majority of divorces end with only one parent spending the majority of time with the child and that at least this would bring a sense of stability into the kids' life, instead of never knowing who is going to be there.  My X never got questioned the counselor just thought it was a good thing when she brought it up but not when I did.

Some history; the X has had a lot of problems with the kids.  She has not developed a relation with them partly because she does not spend time with them when they are with her, and the other part is that she puts her self first and her needs so the kids are always put on the back burner when with her.  Some examples; her BF has two older boys that always beat on the kids but the X never stops this from happening in fact she yells at her kids when it happens making them feel as if it was their fault.  

I guess what I am looking for is some reassurance that I am not as wrong as I feel, and also your opinion if the counselor is being bias.  Any help would be great.

[wendl]

Well I would think the kids could go to any church when that parent has them.

As for 1st right of refusal, I feel it is better for the other parent to be able to step in if they reside close enough.

How old are the kids??

I would request a copy of your file from the counselor and see what he/she has written down, once you review them set up another appt and point out the facts she has written down and is now not agreeing with.  Sounds like mom has had some alone visits with this counselor and filled his/her head with crap.


**These are my opinions, they are not legal advice**

[BestMom]

It sounds to me like it's not working out.  I would bring it up to the counselor privately face-to-face.  If She keeps trying to deny it and act like it's nothing make sure you firmly explain how important this is to you and you are only trying to make things fair for everyone.  If it still does not work then I would speak to her superior or ask to have a new counselor.  Sounds to me like she IS biased.  Maybe it's a woman to woman thing and that's why she is getting onto you so much.  Maybe deep down she doesn't think a man can do it.  But hey.. the kids normal address is your house so someone must have thought you could do it right?  Stick up for yourself!

[msme]

It appears that you are argueing with the counselor. Also, you seem to be defending your position by bashing your ex. That is an absolute No-No. So what if she questions you. answer all questions in a straightforward manner & only state facts.

Never mention the ex in a negative light. If you keep on target and be polite & a gentleman, & she goes against you, then you will have lots of ammo to defend your position.

If asked why you want right of first refusal, simply state that no one is better qualified to care for the children than their parents. Therefore if their mother is unavailable, then they should be with you, & vice versa.

If she persists, stay calm & repeat yourself. If she demands more, counter with a question. How much more is there to the issue? Our children should be cared for by their parents.

Use the same strategy with anything she throws at you. Only discuss the issue & how it affects you. With Religion, keep it simple. You feel that it is important in the children's lives. You intend to take them to church on your time. She is welcome to take them on her time. It doesn't hurt to expose children to different religions when they are young. if anything, it teaches tolerance & understanding.

Good luck & God bless!
You never get a second chance to make a first impression!

[CustodyIQ]

Hi,

A few thoughts:

1. Every counselor is biased because every counselor is human.  If your perception is correct, then I strongly recommend that you fully document what transpired in every session, the same day you have the session.  If this counselor has a personal problem with you (or how you come across), it could be trouble down the line.  So, your one-page summaries of each session could be of huge benefit in the future, if you ever are back in court and counselor testifies.

2.  Counselor is infringing upon your constitutional right for freedom of religion and your right to instill such in the kids.  While you can't tell her to F off, you simply say, "It's important to me and for the children that they are impressed upon with good morals and the teachings of the Bible.  I don't question their mother's religious decisions while they are with her, and I would appreciate the same respect on what is apparently a difference of opinion.  A hundred million people in this country are religious.  I don't have to explain myself."

3.  On the right of first refusal, I agree that it'd be BEST for a parent to be the parent.  However, if grandma isn't a BAD person or parent-figure, then I suggest you let it go on that point.  If/when you see the kids suffering from it, then you raise it again, either with the counselor or in court.

Keep in mind that you may return to court at some point, if things don't settle down.  If your kids are beat up at mom's home, and if you document that mom ain't home 80% of the time and it's having a detriment to the kids, then you simply go back to court in 6 to 12 months and try to modify custody.

But in the meantime, do your best not to piss off the counselor.  Some counselors have added the credentials G.O.D. after their names.  Be respectful, and rather than let anything get into a heated debate, always remember the invaluable phrase, "Well, I understand your position, but I'm afraid this is one of those things where we'll just have to agree to disagree."

Even though the counselor may be a butthead, it's not in your interest to have her ever testify against you.

Finally, your arrangement is still very young.  Things may settle down after a few more months, as each parent gets accustomed to the new way of doing things-- and each parent realizes that he/she no longer gets to nag or demand control of the other.

[T0052SC]

Thank you all for your advise and insight.  A little update on the subject:
Chruch
The church thing has been rectified to some point.  The counselor is also the children's counselor so during one of the kids sessions she asked them what they did on Sudays, the kids talked non stop about church and how much they enjoyed it.  She asked about times they don't go to church and my son said it was ok because he can pray with daddy.  The counselor took that to the next apointment with my ex and I and now my ex has me pick the kids up on her Sundays and take them for the moring to church and fellowship afterward.
Right of First Refusal
This is an unresolved issue.  The ex still maintains that she will not allow me to watch the kids when she can't.  It really hit a head a couple of weeks ago with the kids and I during vacation.  At the end of vacation the CO says that the other parent can pick the kids up at 3:00 PM.  She called the day before to tell me to drop the kids off with her mother because she was going to work all night.  I asked her if the kids could just stay and finish our plans and I would bring them over the following morning.  I explained that this should not be a big deal since she was working and the kids would probably rather finish our plans than end vacation to sit around at her mothers till the next day when she picked them up.  She stated caling me all kinds of names and demanded that they be picked up at 3:00 PM.  

I really don't know what to do about this.  Back when this all started the counselor told my ex that she needed to spend more time with the kids and stop pushing them off on me.  My ex took this as to stop letting me care for them but continue not spending time with them.  She still does not spend time with them but instead of letting me care for them she pushes them off on her mother or a sitter.  For example this week my ex was to have them last weekend, Monday, Wed, and Thurs.  My ex only saw the kids Wed the rest of the time they spent with sitters and her mother.  This isn't an occational thing it happens every time she is to take custody of them.

[T0052SC]

In the beginning of the counseling I made a very good impression to the counselor.  I have signed a release so she can talk with my counselor so they can work as a teem.  My counselor has told me that the co-parenting counselor thinks that I am a great parent and that there mother is a looser.  It is just that we don't seem to get anywhere lately.  I have discussed this with my counselor she has told me that it is normal in group counseling for the strong person to be riden hard because the counselor know that the person will comply and the weak person to be baaby stepped because if they are not they will feel as if they are always the problem and should not return.  I do see what you are when you say I am defending myself and inturn bashing.  Thank you for pointing this out I will watch it more in the future.  I just feel as if I have to defend every point and use examples that inturn bash the ex.  I will watch that from now on, thank you for the advise on terms to use.

I know at some point in the future that I will have to take the ex back to court because she is not complying with the order.  She is to pay me half of expenses for the kids, life insurance, half of school tuition, and move to my town for school transpertation.  She has done knone of this the only part she complies with is taking the kids on her days, but yet only takes them to a sitter.  I have the residence for the kids when it comes to school, doctors, activities, and church.  Will this give me any security if and when I have to go back to court?  Will it set a president?  

[msme]

you have the advantage in the fact that the courts usually won't disrupt the status quo. As long as the kids are well cared for & doing reasonably well in school, they don't like to uproot them. Of course it all depends on the judge.

Good luck & God bless.
You never get a second chance to make a first impression!

[backwardsbike]

Document that then document it again and again. Keep track of what days she uses a sitter and for how long if you are privy to this information. You will need it when you return to court.

I do not think that most courts expect a parent to be with their kids 100% of the time but I think the parent needs to spend a maojority of thier parenting time with the children.  Why else have parenting time?

[ape032]

I am a step mom of 2, girl 10 and boy 8.  We had a court order for co-parenting counseling.  Mom lost primary legal and physical due to PAS, she was awarded summer(2 months) physical and legal custody. At our first couple of visits we felt like the dr understood us, was on our side then we met with the dr and BM.  Complete turn of events. All of a sudden we were getting beat up every visit from dr.  She stayed on our case, told my husband that he "barely won custody" and that it "wasn't by very much". We were furious, we called our attorney and asked to change dr's. We felt like she was siding with mom and mom was eatting it up. We kept going and eventually figured out the dr was just pushing our buttons. She wanted to see how we handled situations and how far we would go to do what was best for the kids. She wanted to see how much we would compromise for the kids sake. After several visits, she turned the tables again. Pushing BM's buttons, asking her to make changes, compromise- BM refused, she would not budge and the dr let her know real quick that she didn't have to do anything. Dr would just mark it in her notes and if we ever went back to court she would have to testify that BM was not willing to work together and not compromising for anything.  Well here we are- we have depositions next week and a court date the following week. Our motion is to stop the summer visitation, as mom cannot and will not communicate with us about the kids and witholds information from us.  She is still trying to alienate them from us.  She hasn't learned anything from this.
Stick to the truth, keep your cool and NEVER say anything bad about the other parent. You can only control your actions not other peoples. Do what is right for your kids and everything else will come in time.