What are our chances?

[wantmykids09]

My husband is 27 and has two kids from his previous marriage.  They are 7 and 4. (we also have 2 kids together).  We used to live in the same town as they did but when we graduated from college last year we moved 4 hours away.  It is written in the decree that we are allowed to present a change of custody and my husband and the ex can work something out.  Our problem is she will not negotiate with him at all.  He wants to see his kids and they want to see him but for her own selfish reasons she wont let him budge on the current order.  The current order says we have them every other weekend and since it is stated that he is supposed to be responsible for all transportation he would have to go get them and drop them off.  She wants him to drive down every other weekend to get them if he wants to see them.  We were trying to negotiate having them more in the summer to make up for lost time but she wont negotiate, she keeps hanging up on him.  She has violated several of the clauses in their divorce decree over the past 3 years.  We want to file for some sort of joint custody where we would have them all summer and over most of Christmas break switching off Christmas every other year.  We also want to put in the new order for both parties to be equally responsible for travel...meeting half way.  My husband has a great job, we have a 3 bedroom house, and the kids love their father.  We have realized that if we want to have them we are going to have to go through lawyers/court.  What are the odds that we would be awarded more custody?  Would we be able to file for primary?  (Ex wife doesnt have a job but is remarried to a guy that does)  Like i said before she has violated clauses:  she decided on her own that the kids were not safe with us and wouldnt let them come over which is not for her to decided (these claims were later found unsubstantiated and made up by DFS).  She doesnt inform my husband of anything that the kids have going on in school, doctors, etc.  like she is supposed to.  She pulled my step daughter out of school and didnt inform my husband.  Several other things too.  My big question is should we try to get them or since he is the man would we just get screwed over like we do with his child support?  (we live in missouri if that helps)

[MomofTwo]

Can you clarify some of your posting...does Mom actually now deny Dad's visists as in he has made the drive and attempted to pick them up and was denied  access or has Dad not actually gone to pick up the children due to the distance created since the move?  If she denied the visits, is there any documentation substantiating this (police reports, anything??)  Make up visitation is usually ordered when one parent has been denied their visit, but if Dad never made the attempt at his visits, he may have a hard time getting make up visitation approved for (ie the entire summer) and Mom has a good arguement for Dad hasn't bothered with his children.  This will also make a difference if he petitions for a change in custody if he has not actually spent the time already ordered with the children.

If the order says Dad picks up and drops off, then Dad picks up and drops off.  It is not up to Mom to have to drive for him to see his children if it is not ordered, especially since at the time of the orders Dad resided in the same town.  Typically, the parent who moves and creates the distance that did not previously exist ends up responsible for all transportation / costs.  You and Dad are the ones that moved so it would seem very unlikely that Mom would be ordered to drive, but  you never know unless you petition for it.

What issues has Mom violated and has Dad ever filed contempt previously? Was she found in contempt?  A change in custody is usually a very big deal and Dad will have to show 1) change of circumstance (not yours - the childrens) and 2) how the change is in the best interest of the children.  Being that he moved from their home area, he may have a hard time requesting physical custody of the children. (not impossible, difficult).

The big picture is what really matters here....Has Mom actually denied visits? Has Dad actually attempted to see his children? EOW as ordered or once in a while? How is Dad having physical custody best for the children? Mom not working is not a reason to remove custody from her.   What are Dad's current orders? If he already shares legal custody, he is at will to be completely involved in the children's lives and decision making without Mom having to tell him everything.  Does he take this initiative now?   This would all be evaluated in a custody determination.   

[wantmykids09]

She doesnt deny them now but in February '06 she he went to pick them up and there was a note saying "I do not believe the children are safe with you"  She only let them come over when he threatened to call the sheriff and charge her with kidnapping.  She also denied him visitation from Nov. 2007 to dec. 2007.  He wont file contempt because he feels that since he is the man even though she is the one in contempt, and it states that whoever is in contempt will have to pay both parites attorney costs, that the judge will order that they have to both pay for attornies and we cant really afford it.  He is just convinced that he will get screwed because he is the man and he got screwed on the original order/decree.

So yes she has actually denied visits.  And she will probably do the same this summer when he goes to pick them up and they will most likely not be there.  The change was in the best interest of the children so that he could provide for them (it was his only job offer).

We really just want a custody revision since she wont compromise out of court.  We just want it on paper so she cant violate anything and there is an actual order with the courts.  He has attempted to see them several times but she always has them somewhere else or just wont let them see him.  She makes them call him by his first name and makes them call their step dad "dad" and my step son has said that she tries to turn them against my husband.

They have legal joint custody but since she has primary it is written that she has to inform him of all changes. (it is in the decree)  Even though he is supposed to have a decision she never gives him one.

Let me know if this is enough info.

[ocean]

Hi,
Travel- He will have to keep doing it since he moved and it was already ordered that way.

Change visits- Yes, you can use that 4 hours every other weekend is too much travel on the kids and you. Ask for longer weekends (most schools have off one time per month so ask for that weekend only) and do every other year of the week off breaks. (Here we have off 5 days for Thanksgiving, a week for Christmas, Winter break and Spring Break,...long weekends Jewish Holidays in Sept sometimes, Columbus Day, Martin Luther King, Memorial day..)
Then you can ask for a longer summer break. Ask for more, and settle...

How long ago did you make the last arrangement in court?

[Davy]

WantMyKids

It is certainly understandable and reasonable why the father feels and does what he does.

It is most unfortunate that many fathers and their children are called upon to endure.

Under the circumstances you have described this so called mother is likely to continue to make matters worst for the children.  In some circles her behavior warrrants child abuse charges and the visitation denials may even be criminal.  Check the articles section, Custodial Interference, to see if Mo. considers visitation denial as criminal.  If possible, seek that route with your sherriff dept. or other law enforcement.  You might be surprised.  Consider that if things were reversed and the father had the mother's behavior what would likely happen.  It might be different than the monkey in civil court.

There is much information on this site you may find valuable.  The information has been authenicated and approved by the administers over a long period from others with similiar experiences.  I would strongly encourage building a case file (with approx. dates) of all occurrences you deem unhealthy to the children (requests, denials,etc.).

Continue to be focused on the well-being of the children and try not to over reach bad mouthing dear mother.  She seems to be doing a pretty good job of that on her own.   

From what you have posted it seems that your anticipated requests not only have merit but are a neccessary for the children and some might say a change of primary custody.  Others may attempt to find or make excuses for the mother and that is the primary reason the children and the father are in this situation in the first place.

If you have to deal with the monkey, you may consider finding an atty (male or female) that does not usually perform in your local circus.  I retained a Pecker, Woody one time in IL ( I'm from TX) and had an immediate leg up.   Seriously.... let them know what I thought of them without saying a word.  It worked, at least for me, for a small but very serious issue trying to prevent children from giving dispositions against SF and mother in Parental Term. case.

Best to you and your family........

[shaden3]

It sounds more along the lines of modifying the visitation schedule, not modifying a custody order. The custody regarding making the bigger decisions is joint in this case? That is usually in the best interests of the child, and to switch to sole you would need to switch the physical custody, as well. It doesn't seem that this is what you're hoping for, but rather requesting a change in the visitation (or parenting time) schedule.

As for the mom's assertions about "safety," if there's no consideration about why she has concerns (whether you agree with them or not), the battle will be eternal. Maybe getting down to the core of the issues, rather than accusing the other party of being "unreasonable," you will find that mom will be motivated to be far more cooperative and compassionate to dad's needs.

Most people who are behaving in ways we believe are utterly irrational can be eased through their fears when the other party takes them seriously and shows respect. I bet this seems ridiculous to people dealing with difficult parties, but very few conflicts are completely intractable. Most often the parties must both continuing to cause friction,  much like rubbing two sticks together to make a fire. If you remove one of the sticks, honestly, the other will follow suit (eventually) and stop trying to make a fire. Sorry for the tortured metaphor, but it really is hard to continue conflict without both parties engaging on some level. We've gotta get introspective, sometimes, even if we're sure it's all the other person and not us.

As for the travel, most times the noncustodial parent is the one responsible for the travel. It's difficult, that's for sure, but it more often than not what the judges deem the standard arrangement.

Decide what you want to change, decide what it is that matters. If it's more time, a petition to modify visitation is a good place to start. Better yet, showing mom that you're willing to brainstorm to improve matters is even better.

[Davy]

From the post it substantially appears the mother's behavior is completely without provocation by the father which, historically is the case.  Besides analyses has found accusations as frivilious which is also the case or a sad reality.  No matter how others try repaint with learned philosophies it is a sad reality and usually continues until children react negatively.  Children deserve better.  It is a good thing one parent desires to take a stand and protect the children.

[orgncwby]

I believe a modification of parenting time is where I would start.  But be wary, because father has not made consistant attempts to see children the judge might be hesitant.  Mother could possibly state that father has not showed for visitation so far so why should mother drive two hours for father not to show.  Personally there is no distance to far to see my children.  I used to drive eight hours one way for visitation of my children before I had them.  Every weekend i did that for over a year.  Anyhow my point is that if your children are important to you, you will do whatever it requires to make sure you spend as much or as little time as you are allowed until you are able to have it modified.