Question

[MomofTwo]

No one can tell you how this will play out for you.  The courts will look favorably that you are wanting to be in their lives again. The issues that could be questionable are -- you walked out on them emotionally and financially for five years and the time you have been back in their lives has relatively been short term, you still owe a great deal of arrears, you admit you keep things adveserial with Mom,  the children have shown a negative response to you being in the picture cooberated by others.   

When was that last order done (that removed that weekend per month)?  Typically, a  change in custody is based on 1) change in circumstance and 2) best interest of the children.  Since that order appears to sound recent, what change of circumstance has occured since that order ? With you not being involved for years and then when you have been, they have possibly already shown a shared custody would not be in the children's best interest. Additionally,  shared custody does not eliminate child support.  Also, do you reside very close to Mom and the children? The courts will look at proximity as well as how your relationship is with Mom.  The courts will most definitely evaluate parental cooperation in an evaluation for shared custody.

[Angus571]

She got the one weekend back last week at the settlement meeting.  I also lost an hour, I was dropping them off at 8pm now it's down to 7pm on Sunday's.

Trial is set for May.

[Angus571]

Sorry, I should forgot to answer all of you questions.

I have lived about 3 miles from where they have lived.  I also have to start therapy with my oldest, don't know when that will start.  I don't know if therapy is good or bad?

[Angus571]

Update:

She got her lawyers to push the trial back until Nov/Dec'ish....I don't know if that is good or bad?

[gemini3]

Coming from someone whose father walked out on her and her siblings after divorce, I think that you're going about things in the wrong way.  Unless their mother is unfit for some reason that you haven't disclosed there is no reason for it.

Having a parent disappear from your life is devastating for a child.  I don't know how old your girls were when you left, so how they express it wil be different based on that.  For a long time I wished my own father was dead because that would be easier for me to deal with than him just leaving like he did.  He chose not to be part of my life.  Imagine what that does to a girls self-esteem?

From your children's perspective you up and left them for four years.  They had to deal with that, and learn to get along with the knowledge that their father doesn't want anything to do with them (from their perspective).  Now you're back and you're demanding every weekend with them, and now even 50/50 custody.  Have you talked to your girls about that?  Do they want to split their time between you and their mom?  How can they be sure that you won't ditch them again?

I am glad that you made the decision to be part of your children's lives, but I don't think that what you're doing is right.  You're really upsetting the apple cart for them, again.  The fact that their grades have dropped is evidence that the current situation is weighing on them.

My suggestion to you would be to withdraw your motion and spend some time and energy regaining your children's trust and focusing on what their needs are.  Hopefully the counseling will be a good thing, and a good forum for your daughter to express how hurt she was by what you did - and for you to make amends.

[Angus571]

Is that what a judge see's already?  Or do I not have a fighting chance?

[Davy]

Not to discount Gemini's feelings and perspectives ... it is clearly understandable.  I think it is an individual thing often influenced by those around a person. I continue to feel blessed that I had both parents. 

I tell this little story in hopes that it may help someone.  My dad only saw his father a couple of times in his life.  Once before he left for WWII, another when he returned, and he came by the house one time when I was about 10 years old.  Not much was said about him ever only Gramma (the ole coot) would occassionally tell how he stoled my dad's piggy bank and ran off when dad was 3 years old.

My Mom somehow has always blamed dad for not going to the doctor in time with colon cancer.  He's been gone for 39 years ( 52 yrs old at time of death) ..My sister was able to find my dad's dad when he was on his death bed. He came from out of state immediately. Dad glowed as his dad reached across the bed and softly grabbed his mother's hand.

Recently I attended a colon cancer seminar and learned that a deadly colon cancer grows silently for 8 to 10 years before the symptoms even appear.  In the past I use to have discussions with mom concerning the very facets of losing a loved one via death and divorce so I called her as I left the seminar to tell he the good news.

I guess the point I'm trying to make is that death is permanent and divorce is not.  Even in death, I still love my Dad and know that my dad loved me.  In divorce I think the causes could very well grow silently for years just like a cancer and  there is a certain love connection between a parent and a child ALWAYS.  Oh dear God I hope so.  Please don't tell any one but there is a love connection with the mother of my children.  If you do I'll just say you're a frickin liar. ha !

The bottom line : A love connection will overcome ALL.  Dad is doing the right thing and he should be encouraged. His presence is immeasureable.

[gemini3]

Davy, I agree that he's doing the right thing by being present in his children's lives, and I absolutely encourage him to continue that for the rest of their lives.  Obviously my own experiences give me a different perspective on this issue, but I think an important one. 

I think it's important for parents on both sides of the aisle to know what losing a parent through divorce does to children - so that our anger doesn't end up harming the ones we hold most dear.  CP's need to know exactly what they are doing to their children when they interfere in their relationship with the NCP, and NCP's need to know what they're doing to thier children when they walk out.  Sometimes, because of alienation, the damage to the parent-child relationship is so great that it is impossible to maintain - and I understand that.  My heart goes out to the parents I have met here who felt that had no choice but to give up on a relationship with their children.  It is frustrating, knowing the struggles of so many, to see people who are afforded a relationship with their children and take that for granted and walk out on their kids. 

I applaud him for going back, and for being part of their lives now.  I just wonder what his kids think of all this.  I wonder if they feel like he's treating them as property and not people.  That their grades have slipped shows that something is bothering them.

JMHO

[Davy]

Gemini;  As we know these matters are complicated and there is seldom a simple answer or resolution especially with atorneys/courts involved.  The kids grades slipping may be related to the  fathers's reappearance but the direct cause could be due to the mother's reaction and snide off hand negative remarks directed at the father which is upsetting to the kids.  We just don't know.

Considering the father's access was reduced and now the trial has been pushed back from May to Nov/Dec I think is telling.  These actions could be likend to giving the father a finger wave and now they want to use a stobe light during a colonosophy while they should be giving the mother a hysterectomy.  If they can't find something wrong with Dad they may just make things up (his ass).  Hopefully, Dad will watch his back side especially since he deems himself  responsible for the initial cause of actions.  It appears he treats the mother with respect !

The kids will be called upon to suffer while the case is prolonged.  One would hope the parents could come to a final resolution themselves.  Neither (and the kids) may be happy with the court's decisions.

[cvcs]

...but the direct cause could be due to the mother's reaction and snide off hand negative remarks directed at the father which is upsetting to the kids.  We just don't know.

Help, Davy, where does Angus say this?