Can someone who claims to be the father force paternity testing ?

[hindsight]

Hello,

Hopefully someone can answer this question for me, I have been through a majority of the statutes for the state of Minnesota but I'm having a hard time establishing what can and cannot be done with this issue.

First of all.. I have 4 wonderful boys ages 12, 11, 9 and 8.
They all have the same mother to whom I was married for almost 11 years.

Not making this winded as I could certainly bring up the seperations and affairs (none by me) the question was presented to me when our now 9 year old was just a toddler. "If one of the boys wasn't yours, which one do you think it would be ?"
I hadn't considered this at all and I also didn't know how I could have ever been asked that question.. I'm still haunted by the evening that she asked me and I never once had a desire to find out "for sure".

Putting times together and a little thought, I figured out that one of them possibly wasn't my son but my response to her 2nd question.. "What do you want to do ?"
I responded with..
I don't want to do anything, I look at all 4 boys as my own and I am the only Father they have had.. there is no reason to change that.
We kept this between the 2 of us for years.. well, until our divorce last year when she got drunk and told a couple friends.

Now.. she is calling me crying saying that the "potential" father is saying that he wants to find out for sure if he has a son or not.

Myself believing that I am the Father, I have been the Father and I accepted the responsibility of being this boys Father even when presented with the possibility that I may not be.

My ex-wife on the other hand is trying to say that she would like to know for.. as she has explained.. "later hereditary health issues". Not only that but because we live in a smaller town.. what happens when he one day finds out that he may or may not be my son. How do we deal with that then ?

Perhaps someone can shed some light on this but my most important question is..  even though the mother of my boys and I are divorced, we have a joint legal / joint physical agreement and it is working. I am named the Father on all 4 birth certificates as well as all of them having my surname.
Does this guy have any rights and do I have any rights to stop him from screwing things up for my boys and their family as they know it now.
The "potential" father and his family are all wanting results, I'm wondering where they were 10 years ago and only thinking about how it would affect my son and his brothers now. I am considering an OFP but don't want to stir any water if there is simply nothing they can do.

Please enlighten me if you can..

Thank you in advance !

[Zuntzu]

If your former spouse and you share legal custody, and she decides to cooperate with a dna test while the child in question is on visitation with her, as long as she notifys you, there might not be a way to stop it.

As to the "potential father" wanting to know now, there might be issues on the horizon regarding shared time with the "potential father", as well as another visitation modification including him...unlikely, as I agree...where was this guy the last 10 years?

You are the boy's father, no matter what.  You have been raising him as your own, with no distinction between him and his brothers, and you'll continue to treat him as your own, no matter the results of a dna test.

Hereditary health issues, while possibly a valid reason for a test, seem pretty lame to me...is there a possibility your former spouse and the "potential father" are dating, or are looking to? This might be a shot across the bow of things to come, and taking the initiative (as you are already doing) is a great idea.

I'm not going to pretend to know the laws in your state, but I'd definitly get a free consultation with an attorney, to see what steps need to be taken, if any.

Hang in there, I'm sorry to hear about your former spouse doing this to your family.

[Kitty C.]

Getting DNA testing for hereditary factors is probably the MOST valid reason I could ever think of to even do the testing, at least in this situation.  Given that it's been quite a few years, you have certainly developed a relationship with the child and have been established as the father since birth, and no judge is likely to change that, having the information in regards to possible congenital diseases or conditions could very well be invaluable at ANY point in the child's future.

If, for no other reason, do it to protect the health and well being of your son.  And he IS your son.........nothing will ever change that.  With the dramatic changes going on in healthcare, you can't shortchange your children, if there's a possibility that foresight could prove medically beneficial to them.

It's been proven that, if precautions are taken early, many diseases and cancers can be either eliminated or decreased in severity dramatically.  If, for example, your child's DNA proved that he could be susceptible to a certain cancer, which could be effectively decreased by certain diets if action were taken NOW, wouldn't you want to know that NOW?  I know I certainly would.

[hindsight]

I can understand the validity of testing for health purposes but there is a little more background to the story that I could have shared that didn't really seem applicable although is a reasonable argument to add.

The "potential" biological father, his parents and sister used to be very close with my ex-wife.
In fact, the sister was best friends with my ex-wife in high school.
The relationship with the brother is what ended their friendship.
The parents of the "potential" father have also known my ex-wife for most of her life.

Living in a smaller town, and the ex-best friend of my ex-wife having 2 kids of her own in similar age groups.. the potential for this to become an issue later amongst the kids is there.

The issues regarding health though.. it is not as though we don't know mutual people who could keep us informed as to hereditary health issues in their family without compromising the current arrangements that we have with our children.

I don't find the issue regarding health to be that important as even though I don't know the family as well as my ex-wife I know that the health of the "potential biological grandfather" isn't the greatest and there is history of heart problems and alcoholism in their family but there are also issues of heart problems in my family. Right now.. broken hearted thinking about it.
If she doesn't push the issue, I certainly won't.
If she has concerns about "potential" health issues, she can call the "potential grandparents" but our son doesn't need to be drug into it
to satisfy her curiosity. Its not an issue of money at all either but if they do insist on pushing the issue, I would go after 50% of 10 years back support and put it in a trust fund for my son.
Not sure if I have that right or not.. or much of any for that matter.

[jilly]

I have a question for you:  Who does he look like?  You? Your ex? The 'potential" biological father?  Sometimes it doesn't take DNA to know who the Daddy is!

[hindsight]

Well.. to be honest, its hard to tell but I can also be honest and say that it doesn't matter to me really. I look at him as my son but thats a given.

If I had seen pictures of the "potential" father when he was 9 or 10, perhaps I could provide a more educated answer but right now its hard to say.

[Kitty C.]

I know about living in small towns...I am in one myself.  Something that happens in one end of town, you hear about it in the other end about 5 minutes later.  But given the same scenario where I live (which is ULTRA conservative and deeply religious), I wouldn't hesitate.  

It's always possible that the 'potential biological father' or someone else in his family may sometime be the ONLY match for bone marrow or a kidney.  And in regards to medical issues, fate can turn on a moment's notice.  DNA testing is a much more involved process than tissue matching............are you willing to risk your child's life against what a few townfolk might think or feel?

And also looking at it from the other side........if he is NOT the BF, then you won't have to worry for the rest of your child's life and you won't have the need to consistently 'keep your finger' on what's going on with that family.

[Zuntzu]

If this is eating at you, that might be the reason it was "slipped" when your former spouse was drinking.  I'm trying to think of something that could potentialy undermine a fathers confidence as much as a statement about the paternity of one of his children, and I'm pulling a blank.

If it's bugging you, get the test.
If it's one of those things you'd just rather not get confirmed, let sleeping dogs lie.

Kitty's right about the "peace of mind" factor though.

[hindsight]

It bothers me to a point but then it doesn't bother me. Some days are different than others.
I would like to know but then I have to tell myself that it doesn't really matter.. but then what happens one day if it does matter ? Will I slip and say or do something that I don't mean ? I don't want to nor do I intend to but I've said and done things in the past that I didn't intend to do.

[joni]

you will always be the father to this child, I think you're rights are established for that.  

food for thought

but think about this, do you want to face your son in 10 years, when he finds out the potential truth and resents you from keeping it from him?  especially if you fought to keep this from him?