My EX has not seen our son for over two years, help!!!!

[grtdaddy]

hello here is alittle run down,
my ex lives out of state, she has not seen our son for well over two years. has not talked to him on the telephone, sent him christmas gifts or birthday gifts. she has a history of mental issues, she was even in the mental hospital a week or two due to telling her work she was considering using my gun on my son and myself then killing herself. i filed for divorce with legal and physical custody with reasonable visitations for her. She filed a response back agreeing to the physical custody but wants joint legal, and a set visitation schedule.

My problem comes with, my son does not know her. he is 7 now and the last time she saw him he was 4 years old. she lives in Arizona, i Live in Northern california where our son was born and raised. i am afraid she would attempt to steal him, i do not trust her what so ever. She drinks quite alot and is under medication. When i talked to her about the visitation asking her what she wanted, she stated she doesn't know yet. and by the time we enter mediation she would come up with something.

My son is doing excellent in school, is advancing in karate and is very well taken care of. I have many people offering to testify and write letters in our behalf after hearing of this. I even considered his school teachers. Any and all advise or comments welcome, thank you.

[gemini3]

Ask for supervised visitation based on the fact that she has made threats against your child's life and her own, and the child doesn't know her.

[grtdaddy]

i will do that very thing. Do you think she will get joint legal custody? shoyuld i hire an attorney at this point? can i hire one after filing these papers?

[shaden3]

hello here is alittle run down,
my ex lives out of state, she has not seen our son for well over two years. has not talked to him on the telephone, sent him christmas gifts or birthday gifts. she has a history of mental issues, she was even in the mental hospital a week or two due to telling her work she was considering using my gun on my son and myself then killing herself. i filed for divorce with legal and physical custody with reasonable visitations for her. She filed a response back agreeing to the physical custody but wants joint legal, and a set visitation schedule.

My problem comes with, my son does not know her. he is 7 now and the last time she saw him he was 4 years old. she lives in Arizona, i Live in Northern california where our son was born and raised. i am afraid she would attempt to steal him, i do not trust her what so ever. She drinks quite alot and is under medication. When i talked to her about the visitation asking her what she wanted, she stated she doesn't know yet. and by the time we enter mediation she would come up with something.

My son is doing excellent in school, is advancing in karate and is very well taken care of. I have many people offering to testify and write letters in our behalf after hearing of this. I even considered his school teachers. Any and all advise or comments welcome, thank you.

You have several options. You may want to check with an attorney about: 1) filing for  temporary emergency full custody due to the threats of abduction; 2) asking for strictly supervised visitation through an agency; 3) ask the courts to mandate a psychological evaluation; 3) bring your son to a therapist who may be able to evaluate the situation on his behalf; 4) ask for full legal and physical custody, and 4) ask the courts to appoint an Attorney for the Child (Law Guardian).

Please note that mediation is not appropriate for those without the mental capacity and severe substance abuse to engage properly in the process. Rates of compliance for these agreements are very low. Don't sign anything you don't feel is in the best interests of your child. Also, reunification with an absentee parent comes with many subtle difficulties, so look for a therapist who may have some experience in this area if you decide to find a counselor.

Again, bring the threats of abduction and harm to the forefront of your quest to protect your son. Good luck to you.

[gemini3]

You can file for sole custody but, if you end up with joint legal, it won't affect the visitation.  You can still ask for supervised visitation.   

I would hire an attorney.  There are a lot of great articles on this site about how to find a good attorney.  Make sure you interview several.  You can save money by taking the papers to the courthouse to be filed yourself, after your attorney has looked them over.

You can hire one at any point, but if you're going to use one I would do it now.  That way you know exactly what to put on the papers, and the best way to do it.

[grtdaddy]

thank you for the replys,

i have already filed for physical and legal custody. she stated she agreed to physical but wanted joint legal. Do you think i have a case for her not to have it? my family of course says i do but that doesn't mean anything. I plan on contacting attourneys asap. I have to protect my son. Do any of you think a judge would allow her to take him out of state after not seeing or talking to him for over two years? I also put in the papers she was a risk for taking him out of state, and visitation would have to be in california and in our county. any feedback on these questions? thank you!

[grtdaddy]

well i went and retained a lawyer, in fact the best one in town. and he seems to think this is a slam dunk case. we will see, but at least i know my baby is safe from being snatched. I will have my temp orders signed by a judge friday.

[MixedBag]

Shaden, I have to disagree with your commend about mediation.

In certain circumstances -- like what he has described -- mediation can still be appropriate with the addition of an advocate or professional assistance on the mother's side (in this example).  And I'm not talking about having the mom's attorney present as the "professional assistant", but someone like a counselor, social worker, or someone that mom trusts for advice more down to the personal level.  It could even be one of her parents if her relationship with them is good.

[shaden3]

Shaden, I have to disagree with your commend about mediation.

In certain circumstances -- like what he has described -- mediation can still be appropriate with the addition of an advocate or professional assistance on the mother's side (in this example).  And I'm not talking about having the mom's attorney present as the "professional assistant", but someone like a counselor, social worker, or someone that mom trusts for advice more down to the personal level.  It could even be one of her parents if her relationship with them is good.

MixedBag, I believe I understand the point you are making regarding mediation, and I am glad you put this out there. I agree that bringing all parties who are important to the decision-making (and who the primary parties agree to have join the mediation) should be there, absolutely.

It's really a personal preference for the type of mediation practice.

More specifically, when providing conflict res services for families (especially regarding parenting plans) I would shy away from having a mental health professional there to advocate/counsel/guide a party with impaired mental health capacity there for several reasons.

The founding type of mediation in this country began as "facilitative," where we look for an agreement as the focus and less on the lasting relational needs. These agreements are more often suited for landlord-tenant, buyer-seller, etc. However, for helping the parties find a way to deal long-term, change the way they communicate, move through the past and the pain, a more "transformative" approach may be best. This allows for far less mediator input. Hard, very very hard to keep one's mouth shut and know when to jump in! But it's a practice that benefits the parties, the kids for more years, gets over the mountain of pain (rather than around), makes the parties directly responsible for and benefit from the hard work, and sees far more compliance than the older forms.

Truth be told, far too few "real" conflict professionals out there who are willing to take the time and do the much more difficult job of transforming these high conflicts to ongoing opportunites to heal. I think of Prometheus Bound for these couples, because the struggles are never resolved, but they're used to redefine the relationships. Some days are bad, but the good ones are worth it.

To that end, in this type of relationship mediation, an advocate would be inappropriate. However, for a short-term agreement (which, yes, may be exactly what the OP needs!), this might be considered.

[grtdaddy]

well she showed up with a lawyer. which come ot find out was retained for her from one of her online boyfriends. they i got the the temp order, but they responded with joint custody with legal and physical. we had to talk to a triage person which set up two seperate two hr visits with our son this weekend. I am also getting counseling for my son, i want him to be okay mentally. my lawyer says she has no shot at custody, but i would like to hear from you guys as well on your thoughts. I am going to the womens refuge tomorrow, because a couple years back after we split my son and I went there for some help. due to the mom being VERY verbally abusive to both of us, but more so my baby. any advise?